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To move in or not to move in.


JlizzyJ
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Very very very confused. Please help me with some advice!

 

I'm thinking to do counselling to get my head straight that's how confused I am.

I'm supposed to be moving in with my boyfriend in September and whilst I'd love to be with him every night I'm also concerned about the relationship.

 

We started off with a fantastic 2 months. Absolute bliss. Great communication, romance, love etc etc.

Then I played a great role in screwing this up by being stupid enough to share a bed with a male friend/ (ex lover from my boyfriend's point of view as we ended up sleeping together sometimes) whom I travelled with for 3 months and went to visit in Vienna when my bf and I were 2 months into our relationship. I was stupid and naieve and ignorant to the set up for when i would visit my friend. I didn't realise he only had one fold out bed. I didn't tell my boyfriend by text, email or on the phone as I didn't want to worry him and it's hard to start such a topic and so opted to wait until he asked a week later when I was with my bf in Budapest. Don't mean to make it longwinded but this is relevant as it keeps cropping up.

 

Just back from a two week holiday with my bf and whilst we had a fantastic time and never actually fought in the entire 2 weeks of 24/7 together, we did have one or two heart to hearts and I have my reservations.

 

I'm well aware that you can't expect the honeymoon stage to last but I do believe certain characteristics of the beginnings of a relationship should be there to stay. The things that made me fall in love with my bf initially don't match up with what I see today.

 

I believed he enjoyed communication and we talked for HOURS. Now the message I get from him is opposite. He hates talking on the phone. Even tonight he was the one earlier who suggested he call so i texted him to let him know I was free. When he did get round to calling me he was short. I didn't really feel like he was listening and finally he told me how he's still out with colleagues so he was going to go again.

 

In the beginning we'd kiss and cuddle for hours whilst I understand this cannot last, relationships have to be realistic too, I feel like now (eg during our 2 week holiday) he'll always find and have to do 10 other things before he can turn around and hold me and kiss me and even then he's looking at something else and he moves away quite quickly.

 

I feel a lot of the elements that were SO important to me that made me fall head over heels for him are now missing. We did talk it out during our holiday. He tells me not to beat myself up over what happened with my mate (he was more annoyed I let my mate treat me the way he did) and then half an hour later will tell me that things have changed because of what happened with my mate -he needs to build the trust back up. I feel sometimes he dismisses my feelings by saying I'm overanalyzing or that maybe my period is making me more emotional.THis annoys me as it's still how I feel regardless. During our trip he gave his general view on communication how if he knows someone is annoyed well it's their problem and they can deal with it. He's a sales trainer and thus has to train people a lot on the psychology of good communication and yet I feel he doesn't always communicate great himself. He says himself it's something he has to watch due to his parents bad communication.

 

PLs help. I'm highly confused. I love him dearly but I'm scared.

I'm also terrified of repeating past mistakes. I feel some of the issues I had with my ex seem to be creeping back up.

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First of all, don't move in with your boyfriend if you have any doubt at all. Moving in won't fix anything, it actually might make things worse.. So it's important to really feel good about it before doing it.

 

I don't like what you said about how he ignores your feelings. You made a mistake in the past, and sure it was a big mistake. But by staying with you he's choosing to forgive that mistake and move forward. Bringing it up everytime you have a new problem is not forgiving that. I mean, it's ok for him to need to gain trust again, but there's a difference still.

 

You need to really think your relationship over. You might love him, but do you love what he is and how he can be?

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Moving in with some1 is a very big step and if you guys do break up you will be the one who will have to find somewhere to move to. And for that reason I'm not a big fan of co-habitation before marriage. But I definitely don't think you should move in if you guys are having problems/doubts because then you won't be able to have time away from each other to think things through because you'll be together in the same house.

 

Jaiva

 

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