Why NC is good - speaking from experience

[tamara78]

I have seen many posts about NC versus contact with our respective ex's. For my part I can say that I have done both with two separate break ups. While I am not back with either of my two ex's, I thought it would be good for me to drop down my thoughts and feelings as regards the two courses of actions.

 

Break up 1: kind of a mutual break-up but then I wanted to give it another try and he didn't. I pleaded, begged, cried, did so many of the things I THEN thought would make him see how much I cared for him. I would invent any possible excuse to speak to him, run into him, all the while hoping that he would see the light and come back to me. It backfired. He never, not once, responded to any of my attempts to contact him. The more I tried, the worse I felt, but it was like an addiction. This continued for many months, after which I finally realised that it was all over. While I was fine with the fact that it was over, I was not fine with my low self esteem, the humiliation that I went through and the feeling of unworthiness. I truly did feel unlovable. And this is what took the longest to get over.

 

Break up 2(current ex): broke up with me because he wanted to "sew his wild oats" so to speak. I took in what he said, told him how hurt I was, that I cared for him very much and then disappeared. No crying, no begging, nothing. While its tough, at least I am not suffering from the constant anxiety of whether he will respond, what will he say, will he hurt me, etc. I am just suffering in silence, keeping all the drama and stress to a minimum, all the while knowing that I have done good and am proud of myself - and that, is very important in tough situations like these.

 

Comparing the two examples, I have to stress the importance of doing NC. It really does help keep you sane when your world really is falling apart. It takes a degree of maturity and a lot of self control, but the more you do it, the more satisfaction it will give you. My first ex never had the chance to miss me and the more I contacted him, the more I pushed him away and the less I was in control of the situation. With the second ex, I feel so much more in control of my life and my emotions - and that's what NC is about. And I am sure as hell that my second ex is wondering where I am and what I am up to, but he won't be hearing a word out of me...

 

Hope this encourages people to follow through with NC.

[majord23]

Great post tamara, thanks for sharing it.

 

In my experience, the most painful aspect of any break-up is not actually what an ex has done to me - but what I have done to myself.

 

Losing pride and self-respect is SO easy after a break-up, and if you are able to maintain it (usually via NC) then half the battle is won.

 

I still kick myself for some of my behaviour from several years ago...simply because I allowed myself to act in an undignified manner.

[tamara78]

Thanks Majord. I agree with you - hence the message to everyone in pain is to think before they act and know that holding back now will help you in the long run by both helping you heal and encouraging your ex to hold you in high esteem.