Living together while keeping a balance?!

[chigal28]

Hi all,

 

I've mentioned in some posts in the past that my boyfriend and I were moving in together. I was a bit nervous, as I had lived with a long-term boyfriend in the past and things didn't work out, but I also know this relationship is completely different (much more compatability, mutual respect, same values in life, etc.)--so I'm optimistic. We both officially moved in this past weekend, and so far things are great...there were a few small "debates" about toilet seats (up or down?), the number of shoes I have, etc., but all were resolved happily.

 

Here is where I'm hoping for some advice.

 

In the past, I've been very guilty of becoming too absorbed in whatever relationship I'm in, and letting everything else--friends, family, personal growth, hobbies, etc.--take a back seat. It wasn't healthy. With this relationship, I've very carefully sought to maintain balance, and it's been wonderful. I feel happy and independent, but also very into the relationship.

 

But now that we've moved in together, how do I keep that balance? It was easy when we only saw each other on weekends and once or twice during the week to make other plans with friends, but now that I'm coming home to him every night, how do I keep up with everything else I had going on? I'm VERY conscious of trying not to fall into a pattern of working, then just going home and spending time with him. I have plans with friends tomorrow night and Thursday night, as well as next Tuesday and Friday, but is there anything else I can do to make sure that A) I don't get too caught up in this relationship, since that would be the path of least resistance, and B) that we don't start to take each other for granted?

 

I want to keep up with the good balance I've maintained thus far, but I also want to make sure he knows that he's important and valued. I don't want to overcompensate for my past patterns by making plans with friends every night and not spending time at home!

[Meow18]

I think that just the fact that you realize you have had a problem in the past will help you a lot now.

 

Of course since you live together, chances are you will be spending most of your time with him, as you will be with him in the morning and at night, and most likely at times during the day. And that's ok.. you live in the same house!

 

But just because you live together doesn't mean that falling asleep together is valuable time. You need to still make plans and do all the things you would do before living together. Maybe even have a date night once a week where you get out of the house and go out to dinner or go on a long walk.

 

And also, it's important to still do things with friends. That doesn't mean you have to go out with them 4 times a week. But if they call you and you would like to hang out with them, then why not?

 

It seems like you are very aware of wanting to keep a healthy balance and that's great! And as long as you and your boyfriend have an open and honest communication with each other, then I think that chances are, you will be fine!

[VeganBohemian]

I've had the same problem. I did it with my last two relationships, but made sure NOT to do it for the last year with the relationship I asm currently in, although I did have some minor difficulties in the beginning.

 

Make sure to just do whatever feels right to you at the time. If you feel like going out with friends, go out. If you want to stay home and cuddle or something, do it. I would think that since you two are probably at work all day, the time you do have together (like at night) is really not all that much when you add it all up. Don't think so much!

 

Great job on keeping a balance thusfar! I know how hard it can be sometimes. I wish you lots of luck with your bf.

[chigal28]

Meow and Vegan, thanks so much for your helpful and encouraging responses!

 

Meow, I really like your idea of still having a "date night." Date night was always really special to my bf and I when we were living apart, and I think we managed to fit one in every week during the six months we were living an hour apart. That could definitely help keep "the spark" alive. Finances are tight right now, but we could definitely go for a walk and explore our new surroundings.

 

Vegan, I really like your suggestion to just kind of "go with the flow," not overthink things, and do what feels right that day. It wouldn't make sense to force myself to go out with friends if I feel like staying in, and I know he would never force me to stay home if I really wanted to go out with friends!

 

I feel very optimistic now...

[chigal28]

Oh, and Vegan, it sounds like you've broken out of some old patterns with your current relationship, too--that's great! It can be very difficult, but well worth it. Good for you, and best of luck to you!

[Meow18]

I like Vegan's thoughts.

 

There might be one week or 2 down the road where you just feel like staying in, and not going out with friends. And that's ok! Friends don't have to see each other every day to keep a friendship. As long as you don't cut off complete contact with them, or make it an everyday habit for 3 weeks in a row to turn them down for hanging out, then I'm sure they will understand.

 

And like Vegan said, just take it day by day and see how you feel when called by friends and see how much you and your boyfriend really get to spend quality time together.

 

There's no point in worrying about something that isn't even an issue yet. It seems like you have it under control at this point.