great friend of mind is in an abusive relationship. what to do, what to do...

[XxMaErCs13xX]

She's a really good friend that i've known for about a year and a half now,...which is about the same length of the abusive relationship that she's in. Now, when we first met we were all buddy buddy, calling, texting, hanging out all the time; not crossing any lines at all because she and I were both in relationships. But we just generally got a lot very well. Now she's always told me about her BF since back then, about how he was very controlling, possessive, insecure, ya know...the usual stuff things that make up a rocky relationship. I told her that she was too good of a person to put up with that nonsense, but that I'd be happy for her as long as she was happy. Of course like most people tend to do, she stuck around to see if it would change,....and of course like most rocky relationships it didn't get any better. Things got bad, to the point where she couldn't do anything anymore. She couldn't speak with me, along with any of her friends anymore. He'd check her phone to see who she'd been talking to, or texting. She HAD a MySpace account...and he used to check that too. He would get mad 'cause she and I would comment each other back and forth. Anyway, I say she HAD one because he eventually made her delete her account. It was the same for any email account she had; he'd check them all. - She and I would RARELY speak once all that nonsense started. I met her in the summer of '05 so this has been going on for a while. I always told her that if she didn't get out soon it was only going to get worse and worse over time, and it has. She just happened to call me tonight out of the blu. She tells me that it's already come to the point where he's hit her a few times. She's changed her cell number and NO ONE ELSE has the number except her father. It's to the point where she doesn't do anything other than work, school, and be with him all the time. Other than that she doesn't have much of a life. Now I guess what I'm getting at is even though I've never turned my back on her, I've always been there when she needed to vent to me about her problem (her BF of course). She's always told me that she feels rotten for stabbing me and her other friends in the back in a sense, but she's glad that I've never turned my back on her. I'm glad she appreciates me being there but I feel since she and I are such good friends, and since I care so much that I should do something more. In this situation I don't feel that there is much I can do without over stepping any boundaries. I have friends that tell me just to let her be and let her make her own decision, she'll wake up eventually. And others say to take matters into my own hands and do something about it since she's a good friend of mind, even though to do ANYTHING would be totally against her wishes. I guess I'm kind of stuck here. I don't even know if there IS anything I can do since I'm on the outside looking in, u know? But that's my, or her delima. Any advice would be great. Thanks for taking the time to read this!!!

[Aurian]

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship...

 

If she isn't ready to leave, any help will be disasterous. If you try push her, she will look at you as an enemy, trying to get between her and her boyfriend. An abuser convinces the victim its them vs the world. The police are familiar with this - they come to protect the victim when the abuser is hitting her, yet when they put him in handcuffs, the victim will attack the police and defend the abuser. She will reject any help until she is ready. When anyone tried to tell me that my husband was abusive, I reacted badly against THEM. They didn't know the whole story, they were jealous, they were trying to break us up, etc. My husband knew who was likely to speak against him and brainwashed me to expect any word against him as being "proof" that they were trying to hurt our marriage.

 

That said...

 

Be there for her the best you can. When she is ready, she will need all the help she can get.

[candy604]

i think she has to wake up and realize she has the power to leave the abusive relationship. Does her parents know about this? they should and protect her daughter from such a horrible bf. She's not married and she has to realize this she can leave.

 

So sad..she'll wake up hopefully one day.

[BunnyLove911]

its hard to leave someone sometimes in that situation. you keep hoping they'll change, that its a phase, and it'll pass. When in reality, it wont, only you cant see it at the time. i agree with candy, do her parents know? i was in one once, and only once. when my father found out, i felt like i had the family support to get out of it. it hurts to lose the "routine" of the relationship sometimes, even though its hurting you physically and mentally. Give her support, and talk to her about talking to her parents. or parent.

[Fallout]

I suggest giving her this site to post on from work or any place her bf can't see and/or a book about this type of relationship...and ask her if she's ready to leave him if so get her out and make sure she has no contact with that guy