Life without love feels meaningless

[Mr. Roboto]

I feel like I'm living in a foreign country everyday, surrounded by people who speak another language. They can't understand me and I can't understand them. I feel alone. Lately, the only peace I get comes from hiding in movies or work. I exercise a lot but yesterday, at the school's fitness center, I ran into the girl I became friends with last year, fell in love with, was bluntly rejected by, and soon after hated by. I am hated by everyone there now too - a place I have to attend for two more years. They all look right through me as if I am not there. Elaborate thoughts of how to end my life occupy my mind. If I were with a therapist, he or she would ask me if I had a plan (just as their manuals tell them to ask), and if I were to be honest with them, I would say yes. I would say a closed vehicle, carbon monoxide released via the combustion of coal. I would say that detectors with three digit digital readouts are readily available at any hardware store. The problem is that such detectors have only three digit readouts and I would have to take readings from outside the car and produce some sort of algorithm by taking measurements over time to predict how long it would take for the inside of the car to have 6800 ppm of carbon monoxide so that I would fall asleep in less than 30 minutes.

 

Even people that I thought were the best friends I could ever have, have given up on me as a lost cause - a person who can't be consoled or cheered up with a tap on the chin and a comment of buck up, things will get better. They never have gotten better only worse overall - each new day brings more pain and the only certainty over the last 10 years has been that I will cry myself to sleep and dream of people telling me I'm not good enough, or worse dream about being happy and loved only to lose it at daybreak. I wish they could stop looking through me, I wish they could stop me and look into my eyes. I want them to know I am a good person, I want someone to love me and miss me. I want to LIVE or DIE because I am tired of being stuck in the middle. I don't want drugs or therapy, I just want someone sit with me on a couch and fall asleep in my arms. That's my cure - but it's one I can't seem to find. Am I not worthy of it? Am I a bad person for not wanting to be alone everyday? I hate this - what I am doing right now because this is why I lost all my friends - I COMPLAIN all the time. I don't want to complain, I don't want to be a burden, but it's all I know how to do when I don't have what I need to feel alive and happy.

 

Someone out there give me a solution that isn't Copied and Pasted - something I haven't heard a hundred times before. Tell me where and how I can find someone. Tell me how to make life a better option than death in a car, in the middle of the woods with the radio set on repeat. Please.

[rose2summer]

Mr. Roberto,

 

You seem to be in a great deal of pain,

 

I am sorry, hugs to you my friend,

 

It's hard when you feel alone in the world,

 

That others do not understand your pain,

 

It seems your happiness stems from others,

 

And not from yourself,

 

Have you actually received therapy from a psychiatrist,

 

You might just have a chemical imbalance in your brain,

 

Don't follow through with your car idea,

 

You are hurting but that's not the way out of your problems,

 

Imagine how much your family would me traumatized,

 

People really do care about you, I sure do on here,

 

And I haven't even met you,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[hosswhispra]

Life is filled with blessings and disappointments, Mr. Roboto. The disappointments we experience are the hardest on our souls. They cause our battle scars.

 

I am reading a book by a Rabbi (Harold Kushner) Overcoming Life's Disappointments, and I highly recommend it. Disappointments are unavoidable in life. Have faith and be assured that bad times do not last forever.

 

This too shall pass, my friend.

 

hosswhispra

[tmp0620]

Though I don't really have any advice for you, I can tell you that you're not the only person that feels that way. You've got to keep on going. I know first hand how hard that can be, but you just gotta do it. There's always the possibility (actually it's a probability) that things will change. It'll happen even more quickly if you help things to change.

 

I understand also that you're in a catch 22 (like I said I'm in a similar position). You're depressed and complain (or at least talk abouty our problems) and that can push people away because they don't know what to do. You need someone to be close to in order to feel better but the only way anyone can get close to you is if you get over your problems. It's very frustrating but you need to find something(s) that keep you occupied and happy enough to where people don't consider you desperately lonely and in pain.

[Mr. Roboto]

That's absolutely right - a catch 22. How long can a person live in a catch 22 situation? I tried moving on and hiding the past (not really getting over the past), and it got me new friends but when I turned to them for help, they wrote me off. This is a endlessly repeating pattern in my life - fresh starts that turn into utter disasters. Each time it seems like I get put up higher only to fall further. I can isolate myself, meaning only I would be sad rather than those around me, but I don't want to do that again. I don't want to live like that again. I went to therapy for for a few months. I am a psychology major so his rules and games were old hat to me. The stuff doesn't work when you know he's not really tallking to you but rather feeding your responses into the therapy computer program in his brain. The guy made an honest attempt to conceal this by throwing in relevant "uplifting" quotes from songs written before I was born. I wasn't buying it. He could listen to me complain all day because every hour made him $400 dollars from my insurance company. Even the friends that wrote me off would have happily sat there, nodded, and smiled had I been able to pay them $400 dollars an hour - an hour of "don't worry, be happy."

 

I tried Wellbutrin and it gave me horrible daily muscle pains from the addiction to it. It made me angry, as opposed to being sad all the time. It also makes you wired and horny - which is just a reminder that you're alone. No one really knows how the brain really works and anti-depressants are just a shot in the dark - hence all the unpleasant side effects. It's just drug companies trying to make money.

 

If there's a problem with my brain, science doesn't know how to fix it without breaking something else that works. They used to give people cocaine for everything a hundred years ago - funny that we call those people stupid and primitive and then pop our anti-depressants that instantly boost certain neurotransmitters and yet we don't feel happy for 6-8 weeks later. A hundred years from now maybe we'll know a little more or a lot more and they'll call us stupid. Unfortunately, that doesn't help me now, suffering from a disease and the only cures available are worse than the disease. Swallowing a handfull of sleeping pills, as I did almost everyday over the summer, will make you feel all warm and fuzzy for a few hours but it's not happiness - it isn't real and because of that it goes away. I don't want some drug to make me feel happy for no reason. I want to be happy because I have something to be happy about. Does that make sense? It may not matter to those around me why I'm happy or not happy, but it is very important to me. If some pill makes me into someone else, how is that different from me being dead or in a coma on life support? What's most important is quality and genuine happiness in life, rather than simply maintaining your brain like it's just another organ that needs to be satieted to shut it up. Hungry stomach? - here's some food. Sad brain? - here's some serotonin. If there was a highly specific pill that would make it so I wouldn't desire love, closeness, and yearning to be successful and one day be a father, I would not take it. I want these things, not just the electrochemical responses they produce in my brain. I wish someone could understand what I am saying.

[Spugly Fuglet]

WOW if there was an olimpic medal for compliaining you my freand would win gold. science "can not help me" my freands "all live me", "I'm all alone", "the thripist dos not really know how to help ME! and dos not really care about ME!" "If there's a problem with MY brain, science doesn't know how to fix" "I! get put up higher only to fall further"

 

 

do you see a commen thred here, Its called self obsetion,

 

others like you when you talk about stuff they like, sports, cars,girls, music but then you swhich to the "I! need you to talk about me and what my needs are which is more of me" its shocks them but dos not help you I know how that feels its very hard to take becouse your looking for help with the pain.

 

See there just ordinary humans beings you do this to them and they get scared, they see under the serface of some one in real pain and they don't know what to do, one wrong word from them could put you in the co2 filled car, thats whats going throw there minds, unlike here where we say bring it on we would like to hear it all. But they do what most do they start avoiding you from fear.

 

Its kind of unfare, asking this of others, there lives could be justs as messed up as yours and mine and there we are asking them to take our pain on as well and feel it with us.

 

That's not a good thing i feel thats why I came here and I hope you did to, see it just feels unreasonable, not whem there are professionals out there who make it there life TO! deal with our problems and have tools to keep them selfs sain at the same time.

 

Go see the doc and take the meds if who you are now wonts to end there life becouse lifes unfear then so what if they change how you are for a bit.

 

last of all and this will hurt, until you larn how to live with yourself likeing all you are evry bit and exsepting who you are and then giving love and respect your self to the point you can get all a lot of your emotionl nutrition from jusy being happy with yourself. I know its darn hard but small steps get us a long way, I spent years hating my self and only now do I truly feel happy with who I am. And heres the hard part only you can give this to your self now matter how many out side your self tell you your ok its all down to how you feel about your self inside. The best way I have found to feel better is to be my self and blow evrfy one ease. Do good day in day out, be kind and help others. there is one thing you can do now which I feel will help, try every day to help others in small inseen ways, ask nothing inretrurn do it becouse you can. small thing, lolk out and care for others selflessly and see what happons.

 

do not through your life away just yet your only half way through larning.

[Gecko]

Mr. Roboto I sent you a PM, read it when you get the chance.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hiya Mr. Roboto Hows it going today?

[Mr. Roboto]

A friend of mine came up to me in class today and she just seemed to turn me around, and I have felt a lot better. She had read an email I wrote to her trying to get back on track as friends. Objectively, nothing has really changed but I feel better. I'm in that mode where I am primed for something positive to happen, but I have been in this place before. I want something good to happen for me more than anything.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Mr Roboto thats good your seeing some good things in your life, even if its moments they still show us hope. Thinking positive is a real key thing when your with others it rubs off and befor you know it your in a hole new place.

 

Grate news and let us know how you get on