These days are confusing

[Asphyxia]

Sometimes when i think of it my life is just so stupid. And i feel so angry about so many things these days. I dont want to go into too personal details but ill just say that i make it go to the point where i go downstairs in the basement, whenever nobody is around and ive had a bad day i just start yelling and screaming, until my voice goes out. Sometimes i can barely talk after these "episodes". I was just wondering if thats not as crazy as i think it is. I really feel like i need to talk to someone that i can trust. Things that go rushing through my head in these moments cause such rage that i never thought i could have.. people at school that sometimes make me feel like a goof and unwanted, love that i wish i had because im such a shy person and terrible around girls especially if i like them. I have such anxiety sometimes, but i guess thats normal as a teenager. I think it sucks. Sometimes im ok around people though. Its confusing. My family has and still is all over the place. My father lived a life that got him alot of money, landed him in jail for short periods of time and all ill say is hes lucky not to have been in jail for life. Right now he lives 3 provinces away from me and i havent seen him in a year. However we do talk on the phone enough. My mother has a business where she is often travelling, and she simply doesnt understand me, ive tried.

I dont have many friends. Not close ones. They are so boring really. Their is a girl ive liked for a long time she doesnt know, we were closer friends than we are now. I dont know how that happened. I feel sometimes that im not ready for a relationship i think because my life is pretty boring. I couldnt find a job lately. I dont have a car etc. I dont know if that necessarily matters but it makes you boring. We have things in common, the way we are and what we want in a relationship.

hmm. And i keep having the odd dream, the kind that makes me upset about waking up because ill soon loose the feeling of what i've dreamt about. Like watching a movie. The ones id have ever so often was of this certain someone whom i am fond of. Very weird dreams, like any other it never made much sense. A couple days ago i had a dream where i was acctually the person. I could see what she saw. I heard she was at the beach, and i dreamt of seeing through her eyes, watching the water. And she was sad and someone asked why. i never dreamt that way before. It was odd that i dreamt of her being sad about not being with me.

 

My problem is i have to many worries. Im confused about my future because im going to grade 12 and im not certain as to what i want to pursue. I have good marks but everything bores me, accept music and maybe graphic design but my mom wants me to be an architect or go into computer science. I could do it if i really tried. But id hate it. I would be unhappy, and i think the most important thing is to be happy in life. I think i should see a psychiatrist, i need to really access my life and just everything.

 

anyways enough of this.

thats all.

[craign]

So you said what your mom wants you to do.What do you want to do.Put all thoughts of money aside.I understand we need that to live .BUt whats your passion.I wont tell you not to worry i know the things that bother you are really important to you.Just take a day at a time,your not promised tomorrow you only have today.Its easy for someone else to sit back and say "ok this is what you need to do".Im not going to do that.Life isnt always easy trust me.12th grade ,i know that can cause alot of stress.But you have time.Dont try to take every day of your life and compile it in one moment.Not having your mom and dad there for support can be tough too.Do you know how many things there are to do that introduce you to different people.I live in oklahoma and i used to sit back and say ohhh i hate oklahoma theres nothing to do.There are soooo many things to do once i started looking and in turn they opened up different opportunities for work,dating and alot of other things.Dont go to your basement get out and find something healthy.Nobodys going to hand you opportunity you have to go get.I dont wake up in the morning and everthing is perfect.Everyday is a new day.Somedays i want to sit in the house and hide,and then i wonder why im so deppressed,And after awhile think im going crazy,and hate life,and say oh my life is boring.I have to get up and make my day good eat right,exercise and do healthy things.What goes into my head is what comes out in my actions.Be good to yourself.You came into this world alone you will go out of this world alone.So make your life a good life,only you can do it.