Hookup to BF...how can I change this?

[Kara]

So here's the situation...I'm hoping to get some opinions from the men here, but women too if you have any advice.

 

I've been having a summer "fling" with a guy I work with. We've known each other a year and half, always flirted and got along great. Attraction has always been there and we finally hooked up a couple months ago, (yes..sex) and pretty much have been every time we go out. (We hang out with a lot of people from work and we all get together several times a week..all good friends.) I usually stay the night at his place every weekend.

 

So here are the problems:

- I originally thought (like we often do) "ah a summer fling, this is fun and doesn't have to go anywhere..." But ofcourse, I have developed feelings and now would like to be more than his "booty call."

 

I have no idea what he would think of this idea...but based on everything I have observed, I don't think he is interested in more simply because...duh duh duh: I was too easy. I slept with him too soon, the chase is gone, blah blah blah... And he has said before (before me and him hooked up) that he would never have a relationship or respect a girl who slept with him on the first date. Now granted, we never went on a "date" and I knew him and we flirted a long time so I consider it different. I'm not the type to sleep around like that and I THINK he knows this. But I'm pretty sure his view on me has changed since we have just been having a physical relationship and nothing else. I fear that I am out of the "relationship potential" category now.

 

However, when we do get together...all signs point to he likes me. He is very affectionate... arms around me, holds my hand, cuddles in bed with me, has me sleep over just to sleep over (not necessarily always sex), and we talk every single day. I'm not the booty call that just gets a call at 3am when he's drunk. We hang out, he ACTS like he cares...doesn't go distant the day after or anything.

 

Anyway, now that you know the situation...I need to change this before it's too late. I want more with him, and I want him to consider me that "great girl I can't stop thinking about." Not "that cool chic that I get to have no-strings attached sex with..." How can I do this??? I know the obvious answer is "tell him!" But I sort of did already in the earlier stages of this. Probably too soon actually. I was teasing him saying "is that why you consider me nothing more than a booty call? Because I'm 4 years older than you..?" And he said "I don't consider you a booty call..we are having fun. Right? You're not wanting anything, are you?" I laughed and said no...and he said "ok, don't go falling in love with me ok? Lol..." And that was that. So I won't bring it up again...but want him to think of me as more than just sex.

 

Any help??!

[Rain__man]

Just a thought... but try feigning "busy as hell" for a few weeks and keep from contacting him. Whether it's just for a booty call or not, he'll chase you down eventually, and THEN you two should have a serious talk. I'm the anti-games guy, and screwing with him is not what I'm suggesting at all. What I'm saying is more of a "force him into some time without you, and then see if his feelings are there or not".

 

Either way, you should plan on the kind of relationship you had being over here and now. It will be extremely unhealthy for you to continue with NSA, when you obviously want more.

 

Just my $0.02

[annie24]

Well, I agree with rainman. I also think you should have told him the truth when he asked if you wanted more. you do, and it's ok!

 

i agree with distancing yourself a bit. see if he misses you.

 

i don't know... it is hard to cross over. it is very easy for a bf/gf relationship to turn into friends with benefits, but it is hard to make the transition the other way.

[maasikus]

hmm...i just have 3 comments...

 

1. He sounds childish to judge women based on when when they sleep with a man...Does he have any respect for himself then? Because it takes 2 hands to clap...

 

2. if you had feelings for him already , u shud not have lied to him..well, I can understand (being too soon to tell him how you feel), but you could have hinted by saying "who knows how I will feel later" sorta thing...

 

3. talk to him and just be honest...just dont get ur hopes too high

 

Good luck,

maasikus

[MaeMae]

It's only been a couple of months, but if you're stressing about it, I agree with maasikus. Be honest. If you can't communicate with each other what kind of relationship would that be anyway?

[Jayar]

I dunno... I think based on what he said to you earlier ("don't go falling in love with me...") the potential relationship boat has sailed. If I were you, rather than worrying myself about this for potentially months or years more, I'd move on and find someone to start a relationship off on the right foot with. Learn from this; you're not a NSA kinda girl!

 

If you cut the ties now and go into NC/LC with him he MAY come around after time and start pursuing you as a girlfriend. But ONLY if you can keep your head on straight and treat him like someone you want a relationship with... Meaning no sex through the initial courtship! IF he shows interest and comes back with the relationship mindset, then make him work for you!

 

Also, if he doesn't pursue you as a girlfriend once the "booty call" strings are cut, then rest assured nothing you would have been able to say to him would have changed those feelings. It's just that this way instead of begging and pleading and being turned down, you get to have his answer while preserving a little of your own dignity.