Dont know whats happened. Is there any chance??

[xentez]

sorry its a bit long

 

hey i have read quite a few topics on here but jus need to get everything out of my system and get some advice

 

my and my g/f have (were) going out for fifteen months. she told me she loved me after about 4 months and i told her that i loved her a month later on her 18th birthday. im am 20.

 

everything was goin great a few little bust up and then a major one a month after our year anniversiry. we spent a week apart. i wrote her a letter explaining everything how i felt etc, all the good times we have had and what is/would change/happen in the future if we had a future together.

 

i went into hospital for 3 days and she didnt visit. eventually said she wasnt wuite ready. i came out on a monday and she came to visit jus as i was leaving. went to the pub for a drink and said nothing about our "break up".

 

we talked everyday for the next few days by text about general stuff and eventually moved on to us. she said she wanted to tell me the day i came out of hospital that she was ready to get back together but jus wanted a few more days. we got back together on the thursday.

 

anywho. everything seemed better than before but then we started having arguments again. jus little ones (i thought they were) and we always made it up. then we had one whilst in a nightclub. she went back to her sisters and on the way home i rang her and said i was sorry etc, wanted her to be with me for the rest of my life and asked her to marry me. she said yes.

 

the next day we was both a little on edge but we was ok i asked her to marry me agin in bed that night and she said only if it is what i really wanted cause i was drunk when i asked before. i said i wanted it more than anything and so she said yes thats what she wanted too.

 

over the next few days she started bringing up baby names and naes of pet dogs we would have and where we would get married dresses etc and i printed off some rings off the internet for us to look through and she picked out a couple.

 

then we get to the week of the break up. on sunday before we again was talking about marriage future etc and everything seemed ok. then she started texting this bloke from the pub where she works. she is 18 remember and he is about 35 40. she texted him prettyy much 24/7 and she sent me a message at 00:15 one night when she told me she went to sleep and bout 22:50. i confronted her about it and she said she never sent one cause he was asleep. anyway i checked her online phone call list and she was texting him after she said she was goin to sleep.

 

we had an argument durin that week but again everything seemed to sort itself out. friday morning (day of break up) i asked if she still wanted to marry me, be with me, loved me etc and she said yes she did and she was goin to come back to mine on the tuesday and spend a few days together. (she had moved into mine since jan. i lived at hers a couple of months after we got together for 6 months. and the past 3 weeks she hadn't stayed at mine for more than one night)

 

anyway friday night i went up the pub to see her and it seemed ok. we were talkin flirtin behind the bar etc for about an hour and a half until HE walks in. immediately her attitude changes. she doesnt make eye contact with me. doesnt speak to me much cause she is now "working" when the pub is practically dead but still manages to find time to talk to HIM. anyway i had a few beers and went up to the bar and asked her if she wanted it over and if she did then fine. she looked upset and said talk about it later. i went to another pub after that cause i couldnt stand the atmosphere. i called her after she finished and she told me she wanted it over. i did the usual crying down the phone, dont do this, why etc etc.

 

decided to go back to the pub to talk to her. got in He had gone. pulled her aside but she said talk about it later. went outside and i passed out and started fittin on the floor. anyway i was told by two close friend i was with that she came out when she found out and was crying her eyes out.

 

i went ot hospital but got released same night. stress i think.

 

the next day i woke up and brought 12 red roses, chocolates, teddy bear and a card. i went to the pub and gave them to her but she didnt even look at them. stayed in the pub all day and asked if she meant what she said last nite and she said she didnt know and would talk later. anyway still stayed. should have left i know now. and HE came in again. would talk to me but would to him. two of my mates turned up and we stayed in for most of the day. i didnt talk to her much except when she served me at the bar. later that night i asked her what was goin on etc and she said not now. i asked a bit later for my house key back if it was over. she was hesitant about giving it back at first and then she went ot get it. i said i dont want it back if there is any chance of sorting things out even with time apart. she said she didnt know and aasked if i had her house key. i said i didn't so she said when i got hers we swap.

 

i left the pub and left her for that night cause she was goin out.

 

sunday morning i taxt her asking if it is over and if there is a chance of getting back together. she says its over and there is no chance. i ask why and she says its not working out. i dont understand only friday morning she said she still wanted to marry me etc. her dad texts me asking when her can collect her stuff. i am packing it up today (monday) for collection tomorro. i ask her last night that the phones need sorting out my contract phone is in her name .she texts back this morning saying that it cant be changed till sep 27th and if i dont pass credit check then i will have to cancel. she doesnt want it in her name after that.

 

she is the first of my girlfriends that i have actually loved and it was my longest relationship and i think it was hers too. but not too sure.

 

i am now going to go NC but what does everyone think. i really dont understand why things weren't all of a sudden werent working and how we have got to this stage.

 

any advice opinions would be appreciated

 

xen

[xentez]

blimey didnt realise it was so long

 

sorry all

[kadvati79]

No worries on the length mate, I'll send ya the invoice (my hourly rate ain't cheap tho!)

 

I want to condense my advice into three key messages:

 

1. Don't be hard on yourself

2. Try to bury the "why" questions

3. Leave her behind, but find yourself

 

Don't be hard on yourself

 

You know, there was probably nothing you could really do to avoid this. Its been said to me (and others) so many times on this board... but this has more to do with her than you.

 

Try to bury the "why" questions

 

Ah the why. The why sucks. If I have figured out anything, anything at all. Its that none of the whole breakup stuff makes any sense. I think its like the "butterfly effect". A small problem, some subconscious event, takes hold in you're girlfriend/boyfriends brain... that its not working, that theres a problem, and its one they don't want to solve. It grows, like a virus, till it swallows all rationality and even though they KNOW it could probably work out, they just don't have it in them to TRY. And this makes it hard, because they may still love you, but inside this subconscious thought is telling them that the KNOW its not working and they KNOW they're not going to try.

 

You will tear yourself to pieces trying to find these answers. God, I have ripped myself into shreds emotionally trying to find my own. I came to the conclusion there really was no reason why my ex left me. Thats why he is so embarrassed about it. He can't understand how he can love someone and not want to be with them at the same time. He wants to forget me because everytime he sees me is a reminder why he couldn't make it work.

 

Leave her behind, but find yourself

 

When people ask me (as they do) why I suffered so much before I finally committed to no contact, I tell them:

 

It took precisely that much suffering for me to earn peace.

 

I earned my life back, I qualified for it through suffering. As a reward I grew. NC is not something you implement, it is a journey of self discovery and emotional transformation that takes you to the next level. I am not "going" no contact, that is simply what I am doing.

[xentez]

thanks icemotoboy

 

its makes sense.

 

i have to pack all her stuff up today. do i pack all the gifts that i have brought her and the love letters we have sent each other over the months.

 

she has asked for the psp she got free with her phone back even though it was a gift to me. do i give it back.

 

i accidently broke NC today. i lost my phone and out of habit i phoned her number off my landline. she answered tho. whats that about

 

cheers xen