Problems with Boyfriend's Daughter

[riverbunnie]

My significant other has a 22 year old daughter, and a 4 year old grandson. She has pretty much used up everyone else in her life, so she called Daddy to bail her out. He moved her here (wanted her to live with us), rented her a place, paying all her bills, buying her food. I work out of my home and was volunteered to babysit for her so she could look for a job. She had no money at all ... a car she couldn't pay for ... no tags on it ... a suspended drivers license ... no social security card or birth certificate to get her son in school or get any sort of government assistance ... moved her boyfriend here to live in the house we are paying for AFTER she was told not to move anyone in that place with her ... he stole her car ... and Daddy came to the rescue again ... she's always calling him for help ... he is completely consumed with her and his grandson. He has neglected our life and his responsibilities to me totally to help her. And, now he has moved out because I do not agree with his method of parenting. We have been together for going on 4 years. He told me his kids come first, and that I would have to accept that. I am hurt, confused and angry ... she is manipulative and knows her Daddy will always come to her rescue. Am I wrong to have such harsh feelings toward her? All of this has happened in less than 30 days of her coming into my world.

[justpaisley]

Your harsh feelings should be directed towards your boyfriend, not his daughter. She is only a product of his creation, her actions are largely his fault. If he's bailed her out every time she's faced with a little responsibility, he's raised someone that is irresponsible.

 

It's probably time for you to move on to someone of whose parenting philosophies you approve. His treatment of her will be a constant point of contention, because if he's been this way for 22 years, it's very unlikely that he'll change now. Once she's used up his resources, he's probably going to start mooching off of you and you'll find yourself in financial hardship.

 

If you want to stay with him despite this, don't let her walk on you. Don't babysit her son, don't pay for her house, don't bail her out. Let your boyfriend know that she's going to have to grow up, and that you're not going to enable her to remain a child. Just don't expect him to change. So many parents think that they have to remove any threat of responsibility or consequense to their children to prove their love, when that's doing nothing but hurting them, it's sad. But if that's been his philosophy for 22 years, it most likely won't change.

[n83]

It's probably hard to hear after all this time but your boyfriend needs to do things his way with his daughter.. even if that means that he is getting used and abused. That, however, is NOT your problem, and it was disheartening to read that he moved out so quickly over this. I think his actions tell you where he stands on your relationship in general.

[RayKay]

Well, it really is your boyfriends choice how to deal with his daughter, though that does not mean you also have to enable her (ie you could of refused to sit for the grandson on basis you DO work even if it is from home. and refused to let your money go towards her and so on).

 

He raised her this way, so while she is an adult and SHOULD know better, she also knows what she has been taught and learned from her dad. Unfortunately, he has to know himself that bailing her out is not doing her any good in the long run, but he may not be ready to see that yet.

 

I am not sure where you as a couple stand now, but if you do want to be together, you have to establish some boundaries as to what YOU will do for his daughter while respecting he as her father has right to do as he wishes....however not if it is putting strain on YOUR finances or life together - at which case you need to decide what YOUR limit is and what is too much for you.

 

I am surprised he just upped and moved out - were there any other issues in the relationship that may also be at play here? Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back?

[riverbunnie]

Yes, I must admit there is a bit more to the sordid affair. Therein lies my need for help and guidance. Which forum do I turn to? You see, not only have I had my fill of his daughter and her lying, manipulative ways ... I physically attacked her. I called her ... crying to her about how she had screwed up my life since she came to town ... how I didn't have anything personally against her, but my problem with her was that she had disrespected her father and me ... and she called her "Daddy" immediately after I hung up with her and told him that I had "called her cussing her and she didn't appreciate it" and wanted him to make sure that didn't happen again. So, Daddy calls me (unable to reach me and leaves a message) telling me that his daughter called, and "he would appreciate it if I would not call any of his children cussing at them." I was furious ... he did not give me the benefit of the doubt ... immediately, he believed her. So, I snapped ... and I am embarrassed and ashamed of what happened next. I was in a rage ... I went to her work place ... (I never punched her) ... but I took her head and banged it on the wall and kicked her with my boot like a yard dog ... it was horrible and I feel terrible to even admit what I did. My gawd ... ok ... so there you have it. A woman out of control ... and I am so ashamed of what I did ... all I do is think of it and how awful it was. I'm just not like that ... so, there you have it. And I'm not sure anyone wants the rest of the story ... this is like the biggest drama scene ever.

[southerngirl]

If you had done that to my daughter or son I would not only stop any relationship I had with you, but I would report it to the police. My 2 cents.

[RayKay]

That would of been more helpful to know initially.

 

I have to take back most of my advice, I think he was fully in his right to move out and end the relationship based on the verbal and physical violence. I know I sure would of if you did that to any child of mine, regardless of the "reasons" you felt you had.

 

. (I never punched her) ... but I took her head and banged it on the wall and kicked her with my boot like a yard dog

 

I don't even see why it is relevant that you did not punch her, you still beat her and could of seriously injured, or even killed her through a brain injury.

 

I am surprised they are not pressing charges to be honest.

[avman]

There's MORE to the story?

 

I agree with southerngirl, if I were him I'd press charges against you and never see you again. No wonder he moved out.

 

I'm afraid by your actions you've really negated anything I might have told you about the daughters actions. You are the one who needs counseling and therapy. Find an anger management course while you are at it. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. This mess was not caused by his daughter - it was caused by you.

[riverbunnie]

Agreed. I have an appointment with an anger management counselor. And agreed ... he should have moved out. As I said, I did not know where to turn on this forum for help. Whether to talk to someone about my despicable anger outburst, or to talk to someone about the daughter situation. In the end, what is done is done. I cannot take it back. I feel remorse and sickened by what happened. But, at the end of the day, I still feel so much resentment toward this person who is supposed to be an adult ... a mother to that child of hers and has done nothing but use and manipulate people for her own benefit and gain. However, it does not mean I should have done what I did. I'm not sure what I'm searching for here, but I appreciate all you have said to me. I agree completely.

[avman]

Well the thing is, there is no way to repair the situation regarding the daughter now. Regardless of what she did or how she behaves, your reaction was so over the top that it completely overshadows the daughter. That is where the anger management comes in. You need to be able to deal with your own feelings of resentment and anger without lashing out like that.