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The Shy Convo


kboykb
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Alright, being a shy guy and all I've realized that my conversation skills are what I lack confidence in. I honestly think I'm an attractive guy, so I have confidence in my looks, but talking is what holds me back from talking to a girl or making the first move. I've been single for about 6 months now and gone on some random dates here and there, and this is what I've noticed:

 

There are two types of conversations. When you first meet someone, there's the "getting to know you" conversation - during this time all you have to do is ask simple questions and a conversation will start. You can say simple things like "what type of music do you like" - "what are your dreams" - - anything in the form of a question will do. This type of conversation is EASY to me, and most likely is to everyone because you're just getting to know the person and asking questions.

 

The conversation that comes AFTER this conversation is what I lack skills in and inevitably fail at. Once you've been with someone for a couple of weeks or a month or so, you can't just call them and say "do you like" "what is your favorite" blah blah, basically you can't just badger the person with questions anymore once you've actually gotten to know them. This is what happened to me and my ex, our first couple of weeks together were great, but towards the end we had NOTHING to talk about because she'd call and I'd say "how was your day", "what did you do today", but that was it, I suck really bad at just making a random conversation or telling stories by saying things like "guess what happened to me today" - "this guy came in the mall today and he was.. " blah blah. When something interesting to me happened that day, I would actually practice how I was going to tell her in my head, but of course when I went to tell her the story it

fell flat or I didn't tell her at all.

 

Hmm, I am asking for help here but I don't know how to put it in the form of a question, lol. This isn't just a rant, it's just a weakness that I've noticed in myself that I need to change asap. People don't just ask questions, they talk, and I have a problem doing that. Asking nothing but questions leads to the uncomfortable silence on the phone, which leads to a loss of interest..

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What about general conversations? In the getting to know stage you learn things about the other person, and you build on what you learn about them. Presumably you have common interests - or else there's nothing to build on. What about the "Did ya catch the's?" or the "Hear about that?" Like television shows, music or common events.

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I'm slowly getting better at the convos now, I'm hanging around friends that have girlfriends and just listening to how they talk. Maybe my lack of confidence is what's making it so hard to talk, even with common interests. I just need to feel better about myself. You're right though, with no common interests there's nothing to build on, I dated my ex for 4 years so of course it was more than just asking questions, but maybe that was just because she was an extremely talkative person so it wasn't too hard getting a convo started. When I'm with girls such as myself is when the convo lacks get started.

 

One thing that i've noticed is that like, if there's a 3rd person I speak very easily, like if it's me and a girl, and one of her guy / girl friends are there talking to them also, it's easy for me to speak, but if they leave I feel this weird pressure like "now it's all on you man!", and that's when I start feeling weird.

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Open ended questions are good. Such questions that invite the other side to express opinions. Some good conversation triggers can be found in the news. Discussing what is going on in the world of entertainment, science, business (depending on common interests) can lead somethimes to very lenghty and twisted convos during which a lot can be learned about the opposite side.

 

For example, a quick glance at Google News today reveals that one of the headlines is "Family, friends gather for Irwin funeral". Just a quick mention about it can lead to a web of subjects: nature, animals, wild adventures, sea, vacations, tropical destinations, favorite vacation spots, crazy vacation adventures, night swimming, star gazing at the beach, drunk friends, all night parties....do you see how the conversation flow goes? When you talk about something try to register major points of the conversation and look for "hooks" related to different things that happened in your life.

 

For instance, a simple question: "Your favorite vacation spot?" could be rolled out onto other only slightly related events in your life like the time when you went to Mexico and while snorkling got stung by a jelly fish but you were not the only one suffering since on of your friends got sea sick and spent the whole trip on a boat puking his guts out but still it was the greatest adventure of your life and you saw humpback whales on the way back to the shore. Look how many "hooks" you can find in this one simple example: sea sickness, snorkling, vacationing, sea, whales, sailing etc. It's an unlimited supply of conversation starters/keepers.

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