tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 ok so without getting into too much detail my ex left me 2 or so months ago for someone else. Unfortunately I haven't been good about NC and it has really come back to bite me in the rear I met someone online this past week and we got along great right from the start. She is absolutely amazing and I enjoy her company immensely. Last night we went to an A's game and I had the time of my life and she was just awesome to be with. Anyway the way I met her was through myspace. My ex sent me a myspace friend request and said she would just like to be on my friends list. I know it is the last thing in the world I should have done but I allowed it. Then she posted a comment on one of my pictures to the effect of "once upon a time this is the beautiful face I would wake up to". I know it isn't much but Tara (the A's game girl) has had issues with guys going back to their gf after getting involved with her and so naturally she doesn't do well with ex-gf's Anyway needless to say this has caused some conflict. I know this bothered her and although I removed my ex and her comment from my page and made my profile private I fear the damage has been done. I have explained myself and that I want nothing to do with my ex, but Tara hasn't been very communicative today and I fear she may not want to move forward. help please Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 do you REALLY want nothing to do with your ex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 absolutely, I was remaining friendly because I am a nice guy. Unfortunately in doing so I have really screwed myself up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I understand how your current girl feels. I think you should explain to her again that you do not have any feelings for your ex and that you want to get to know her. Then let your actions speak for themself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Rob, This is a perfect example of letting the past screw up the future! Now what should be fun and exciting is stressful and painfully familiar. You need to do away with your ex 100%. She constantly toys with you, sucks you in to breaking NC and she loves the fact that she can still control you with a snap of her fingers. How many times can Lucy pull the football out from under Charlie Brown before he catches on? Your ex knew exactly what she was doing when she put that comment up there, her ability to cause you problems was done with your permission! Until you learn to cut her out of your life 100%, you will forever continue to risk any future meaningful relationships. Aren't you tired of always being in the "patch things up mode?" Dating and relationships are supposed to be fun but letting the ex in the backdoor gives you no one to blame but yourself for the muddy footprints on your floor! News Flash: The ex isn't so stupid! RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 RC I understand completely. I don't blame Tara for feeling the way she does. I blame myself 100% for what happened and more than ever I am absolutely committed to NC and putting the past where it belongs. RC what can I do about the mess that has been made of this? I really like this girl a lot and don't want this to be the end of it. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hey, did she say it was over or that she was concerned? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 well we were chatting over random stuff and then she said that she saw that I accepted my ex on my friends list. I said yeah and I am regretting it because of the comment that she left... and that my concern about the comment was of how it made her (Tara) feel. I explained my reason for accepting the friend request... because I was trying to be a nice guy... she didn't say much after this except that she doesn't do well with ex-gf's, I said a few more random things, which got one word responses. I told her how I feel about her, that I think she is amazing and I really like her a lot. I told her that I am a faithful person and if she puts her trust in me I will not lie to her or betray her trust. I told her I understand her concern and I just hope that it won't affect things. last night we made plans to hang out tomorrow. I sent her a message saying I would like her to still spend the day with me tomorrow etc. Communication from her side has been very minimal, in response to all of the explanation, what I feel about her and how I want to proceed went unanswered. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I think she is testing the waters right now- i guess processing the information. Once you have been burned by this sort of thing you never forget...so it's a gamble for her. You know how you feel and what you will or won't do. She doesn't. What was her resosponse to spending time together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Rob, You have a huge heart and you're a nice person, you have to show Tara what your intentions are not tell her. Telling her that your ex is now gone from your life means nothing, show her but cutting out all contact. Tara has to wonder what part of you still longs for your ex. Show her where your focus and interests are. No matter the gender, no one wants to feel like an ex is lurking in the back of their BF/GF's mind. Let Tara know how she makes you feel, without going overboard. Just be yourself, admit you didn't think how your ex's presense on your myspace would make someone not trust you. If she really likes you, she will give you another chance. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 she hasn't responded to that yet.... I understand completley why she has concerns. I just know that she has nothing to worry about but getting that accross is another matter. Man RC is right, last night this was just all fun and exciting and now it is in repair mode...... I feel like such an idiot to let my Ex do this to me yet again.... I went from cloud nine back into my pit of despair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 RC, I hear what you are saying. I know for sure that she likes/liked me, she was the one that invited me to the ball game yesterday, and at the end of the evening she suggested she would like to hang out on sunday if I wanted to... I just hope that she isn't too afraid to take that chance. I have done all the explaining and talk about how I feel about her and what I would like. I feel that any more would start to sound annoying/desperate and maybe even an attempt to hide something. I have just had so much heartache this year that I have a hard time being positive about this situation. I have nothing but the most respectful and loving intentions towards Tara and I just hope she will allow herself to find this out. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Instead of texting i would call her. It's more personal. Let her know you understand how she feels..and can she give you a chance to SHOW her that the ex is not an issue. It's very scary to know an ex is lurking around with your mans heart around her neck....and I happen to think that no matter how much she likes you...she will back off- to save herself from hurt and aggrivation. Once you've touched the hot stove... you never forget how it burns. You could actually turn this completely around - this could serve as option for you and your new gf to communicate how you feel and also, build trust by your actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Rob, You are doing the right things, don't push too hard. Never bring up the ex again unless she does and then let her know that you have no problem with cutting all ties with your ex. Tell her you would never want anyone not to give you a chance because of lack of trust, that hurts more than being told that you're not worthy of dating because you have two left feet or an intense fear of clowns. Make her smile and get her back in to the happy zone. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 RC I understand what you are saying. I think at this point I should leave the contact with her at a stand still for the rest of the day. As far as calling her to make it more personal. Before she logged on to the internet and we started chatting I actually called her and after a couple of rings got a voicemail. I just don't know what else I can do at this point but wait for her response or give it a little more time... maybe tomorrow, being that we had plans for tomorrow. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Then good luck to you and I hope it all works out. Please keep me posted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 Thanks Healing and RC, I will be sure to post updates.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Best of Luck! RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigris Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I hope things work out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 The thing that is really disturbing me as I think about it all is that I have other friends on my myspace friends list that are women. I am not interested in these women in a relationship way nor are they me. However I am sure that now Tara has doubts and that imagination could be playing with her. The last messenger chat I had with her was around 11:00 or so and she was online ever since until about 10 mins ago (almost 4 hours) when she logged off I assume to go to work. I just have a bad feeling that she has decided against allowing herself to take the risk.. She hasn't said anything like I don't want to continue seeing you or removed me from her friends list or anything but I just don't see a good outcome happening here. I hate myself sooooo much right now. I am back to feeling exactly as bad as I did 2 months ago when I first started posting here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 ROB! Set backs are get backs! Get back to what was helping you heal and realize others are fragile too like Tara. Deep wounds heal slowly, so give her the benefit here and wait till tomorrow. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 No new contact.... yesterday I wrote a few sentences and then printed 2 or 3 large words of it per page.... about 30 pages or so in all. I took pictures of each page with me holding them.... I posted a private blog with the pictures in order.. I don't know I guess I figured it would show creativity and effort or something. If anything it would be different and maybe a little entertaining. Last night I went to the beach, it was fogged over but I watched the waves roll in and it was nice. I called Tara and left her a voicemail telling her that the waves were beautiful and I was thinking about her. I told her that I left a private blog for her and I hope to talk to her soon. I slept like crap last night.... anxiety or whatever I am sure. I woke up around 12:30 AM and checked my site and I saw that there was one more blog view than there had been earlier in the evening and that she had logged online sometime after midnight so I hope that was her that viewed that blog.. Just so everyone knows I am not at all desperate. I am 28 and I have only had 2 gf's and those two relationships spanned 8 years of my life. I am very loyal and faithful. I was cheated on and left for someone else by both of those women and it just reinforces in myself why I am who I am... because I can't cause that kind of hurt to other people. One of the things about Tara is that from the very start I have felt a strong connection with her. With my past two relationships, those feelings were something that had to grow... Tara is beautiful inside and out and I just think she is amazing. I just hope it isn't too late. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 Just an update. No contact from Tara. I sent her a text a couple of hours ago basically saying that I hope she is ok and I could use her help because I don't know what to do but I don't want things to end here. I said if she wants me to stop, tell me and I will respect that. I didn't expect a response and still haven't gotten one. It just seems like such a shame but what can i expect after a few days of talking and one evening with her. I think at this point I just need to back off completely and give up. Sucks... Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 nothing..... RC? Healing? any input? Can I honestly expect anything here? Or should I just give up and forget it all? I didn't get any responses to anything since around noon yesterday when the whole ex situation conversation happened. I mentioned that I still wanted to hang out today, I asked her if she would rather I leave her alone, I told her how I felt. She has been online several times today and I am almost positive that she has read the several blogs that I have written regarding her and my feelings about the situation. I just don't know what to make of it all and I need a little more outside input. Thanks Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Rob, As hard as it is, leave it in her hands. Healing as in she may of scratched off an old scab when she saw what your ex left on your site. Sometimes a little flashback like that will create an aversion to dating. Somewhat how you feel when you get hurt or frustrated. Don't post anymore on your blogs! That was your ex's medium of choice which caused this entire mess! As a matter of fact, don't make any updates or posts. Let the site sit idle as I'm suggesting you do as well. Don't throw in the towel yet. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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