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Well, where to start….

Ok, well first off, I'm now 17 years of age. I am not looking for attention and generally try conceal my emotions. none of this is due to girl problems or anything. I suck at writing, so if I don't get my point accross…. Blah…


I have been depressed for close to 3 years now. Around 4 months ago, I decided again that I had had enough and began my quest doing research on various methods. Having already failed a hanging attempt I was not about to screw-up this time

(My parents still don't know about the attempted hanging, told them I fell while skating (Fractured 3 ribs))

I decided Potassium cyanide would be the best bet, as we all know how toxic it is and there are several well-known success's with KCN. I eventually found an easy, reliable method of obtaining it legally; I am STILL sitting with close to 1kg of the stuff – took me close to a months to get it.


Well, long story short. Notes written, room organized, all ready to go, I was interrupted by an unsuspecting person and a freak accident… that was about 4 weeks ago.


I had a single good week, my mood was great, I was happy then I started going in a steady decline again.


Everyday for the past 4 months, regardless of my mood, I can be perfectly happy and still have this relentless desire to die; it's like a craving that I just can't get rid of. at the moment, I don't want to die, but I've still got this feeling… its like…. When you're watching a crappy show on TV and you just want to turn it off but someone else is watching it and enjoying it but you can't leave the room? Odd analogy, yes I know.


I went to a shrink last year but left because I wasn't sure I wanted to year but he had to say… that was before I admitted I have a problem. My grandmother has bipolar disorder. The shrink said that I had a very high probability of having both BPD and some or other personality disorder.


I don't know why im writing this, or what I want… blah

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Wow . . . Slightly irrelevant but true nonetheless - I so admire the clarity of your thinking, and your writing style has a personality that really appeals to me.


However. . . your depression. I believe you, having been there myself as a Bipolar sufferer, that you are not trying to seek attention. What I *am* curious about is the following -


1) Did you just suddenly start feeling depressed years ago, or did something significant happen in your life (either positive or negative?)

2) What scares you in life? In general?

3) Has your desire to die become a kind of obsession or compulsive thought? If you don't have a rational reason behind it, and it's "even when you're happy", then it's a compulsive, irrational thought process that may be helping you avoid thinking about something else - could that be part of it, at all?


I'll keep watching/reading/writing.

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I'll answer down the list.


1: As far as I remember it just sort of happened, around May 2004 - I cant think of anything that triggered it.


2: Aside from spiders, nothing really. I am not religious and thereforeeee dont have a fear of whats after. I am not trying to sound macho or anything of such sorts, I'm dead serious (bad choice of words, I know). If I were to answer, I'd say living. I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact that my mood swings could harm, whether it be physically or emotionally, someone I care about, however small that list may be.


3. In a way, yes, I guess it has. I see it as the answer to everything. if i've got a headache, my mind instantly goes to the fact that I have a sure-fire suicide meathod. The thing is, at the moment, I dont want to die, but I dont want to live either - just want to sort of switch off.


- Actually, one thing that DOES scare me, is that I might do something but not actually intend to... let me elaborate: Last time I was in London, I was waiting for a tube, it was like it wasnt me though, sort of like i was just a spectator if I can put it like that - I appeared intent of putting myself dead centre (yet again with the wording) in front of the approaching tube.

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I'd suggest you wrote all this because you want to make sense of it.


Possibly, there's a part of you that doesn't REALLY fancy killing yourself that much. If you did, you'd probably have done it by now.


You're probably in an odd place psychologically..oh wait...you are, you said as much!


It's ultimately your choice, but you have no idea of the positive (as WELL as negative) impact you could have on people, people who you have yet even to meet.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Like me for instance. Please don't die yet. I'm sure we can be friends. I hope you are feeling ok. Send me an email sometime: email removed

I have a bi-polar diagnoses, and go through intense slump moments too. At one point I went on a sucide method search just like you did.

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I am just back from a psychologist. He reckomended that I was put on a list of things, think there are three things he reckomended, but I'm being referred to someone else for a second oppinion sort of thing.


I am not unhappy at the moment... I'm fine.... so yeah...


I dont doubt another suicidal phase will come, just hopefully, next time I'll be more prepared for it.

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"I dont doubt another suicidal phase will come"


Thats a good frame of mind to have, I know it sounds odd but a traps only a trap when you dont know its there.


Readying your self and knowing that you can get throw the dark days mean you have a fighting chance of a good life the other side.


At the end of the day, every thing in your mind is of your own making, yes DNA has its part but its like seeds and soil, even a bad seed will grow in good land, but notting grows in bad ground.


The seeds your body its DNA, and the world around is the ground.

What changes the theys two "SET" parts is how own power over our minds.

The world around us make look like bad ground but the power of the mind can see what good and bad.


We can not change all of whats in the world nore unmake our bodys and its DNA but what we can do is be kings and queens of the land of the mind.


There we can reshape any thing to our liking,

Others can only hurt us if we let them rule over ower minds.


you see others do not give us pain we give ourselfs that pain.

No the pain of the body but of the mind and soul.


The hart ackes then sadness at loss, we can crush ourselfs and beat up on our selfs over things which matter not. I am like many I can not seem to hold back the dark times but when they come

I know my mind is MINE, that is what keeps me going, I know no matter how dark it gets that I will see it throw, OK some times the nice doc hands out the happy pills and some times I find I can not think start. But I know with time it will fade and go like a hail storm blowing over, to revile the blue once more.


Once it has gone I/we will still be there.


Knowing this truth has changed my life and has set me free from living in others eyes. When others fall rom greaf and pain I do not I see past it to the truth that life is and every changing place where we bob on the waves of furtunen and advenchuer.


Stress that o so constent push to have a safe and simpale like pulled away buy outsides who constantly seek to throth a spanner in the works.


Now as I get older I fand I can see stress for the foolishness it was, worry and fear.

and living in fear lead to pain and a loss of will, we sink and lose all our love of life,

we cry and pray and seek a way out of fear and pain.


but all we need ever do is stop letting the world tell us how to think, walk away from what othesr tell you to think and think for your self. See the life gos on in each brath lies joys.

Small Joys that others lost in worrys and fear miss becouse there eyes are blind.


Once you do this in which ever way you con you start to become hole once more, and more free.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You're writing this because it is a way to show your feelings, everyone needs to put them somewhere, yes you can put them to the back of your mind but then they'll explode out.


You sound just like me, and how I used to be.


For no reason I was absolutely feeling depressed and thought about ending it all regulary but yet, I had no serious problems.


I even scored my arm and several times I held a knife over my wrist.


It's just a mood I guess, probally hormones, I'm 18 - just a year older than you and now I'm fine.


Just a phase - Don't end it - there's alot more good out there and alot of the time I think to my self "heck, if I had of ended it back then I wouldn't be feeling this"


Think of all the good things that will come in the future, trust me on this - you don't want to end it.


Yes some bad things will happen, but you need the bad to balance the good, if there was no bad you could never feel the goodness.


There's alot more good to come my friend.

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