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i need some advice


pacopaco
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Hi all,

 

Can I break NC? I mean, my ex and I were friends for years even before we were together. I canceled my myspace account, because hers was filled with a bunch of stuff. She's gained weight, and the whole page hints of things that interest me, and maybe things i've said. She hurt me, but i know that what she did hurt her more than me. I don't feel like punishing her,and I know that NC is to heal myself. can two people heal together with time? I really am at war with myself here. I want to call her, but at the same time I do not. I'm afraid, for some reason, that she's going to say something that will hurt me again. I don't know what this could be, and I kind of feel that in not calling, I'm fearing myself. does this make sense?

we were such good friends. last time i saw her she told me that it's hard for her to talk about things because she is a coward. she said this, not me. I feel she's reaching out, and i'm not the kind of guy to let a friend down. i've never been, and why not help heal together, if there is a possibility.

The times we have broken the NC rule, we have a good time, and we talk, and then i feel myself back out. I don't think she has a malicious intent, but i'm afraid. I remember always saying to her that there is no reason to fear anything because what is ever the worst that can happen? did i just answer my own?

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she cheated one me. now don't get me wrong, I have a strong character, and I do believe people make mistakes. I could have been me or anyone. It's just that we were such good friends, and i think the damage done was more on her than me. I'm just thinking that maybe we both need the friend part of each other now.

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oh, my feelings now are like i posted above. we have spoken, and she has communicated to things that are important. we used to live together and we both talked about taking things slow, but i tend to back out. this is why i mean that i feel i'm fearing myself. am I?

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I think that if you are affraid she might hurt you than you still have feelings toward her. In my opinion it is still not the right time to be friends.

I personaly can't be friends with someone who hurted me. I really don't like beeing betrayed and hurt - two worst things for me.

It is normal that you have reservations toward her.

I guess when you "system" becomes completely free of her you will not worry about it, also the sad part is that than yyou will not be interested in friendship so much.

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well yeah. i do have feelings for her. i do love her still. i've never denied that. She's written me some things saying she loves me too. she's admitted her mistake, said she was stupid and selfish. that's I know that there really isn't anything more she can do to hurt me. she's dished out her worst, that's why I'm asking myself if it's just me that i fear.

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I've read your previous posts about this girl to get some more info. Now when I have some more info I must say I think I gave you the right answer.

So:

1. she doesn't deserve your friendship

2. hearing from her is a huge set back for you

3. you were cool with NC, so what happened now? Maybe some other factors in your life triggered this need to brake down nc?

4. The fact she wants to be friends with you is not something that makes you obligated to be her friend.

5. Your feelings are normal and they say something important to you:STAY AWAY FROM HER

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Interesting point, river dog. i'll have to consider it, but i don't now right now that it's true. I don't feel she has any power over me. not anymore. I'm stronger than i was. I guess the whole point of what i'm trying to make is this: after ten years of friendship/relationship, can two people heal together? it really seems sad to just drop it all. I know, she dropped it when she cheated, but i'm trying to have an open heart about things. I know people make mistakes, and the more i thought about what she did, the more i don't believe it had nothing to do with me. she has her demons of abuse. I'm not trying to be a hero, but what is a friend, and what is someone who loves you if they know all about you, see you fall, and leave you to bleed. I'm just trying to get out of my defense mode, because i feel in every situation i've been in, the best defense is to let go of things that you may not need defending from.

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paco,

 

Do not talk to this woman,

 

She walked all over your heart,

 

Cheating on you with her boss,

 

And when her boss didn't want her anymore,

 

Like used goods he was done with,

 

She comes back to you wanting comfort,

 

You deserve so much better than that,

 

No good-hearted woman would do what she did to you,

 

Don't call her, NC, and move on as best as you can,

 

Rose

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since when was loving someone simple?

If you listen to all the advice, it is, it's a fair, giving, open, honest, warm, cozy, rewarding thing, with wings and all. With the right person, but I never found 'em.

 

You're arguing well against what you don't want to hear. Fair enough. Do you have the courage and no expectations, really? She won't respect you for it, you know that. You are giving a lot of yourself and that is hard to reel back in.

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you know river dog, you bring up good points, but I respect myself. I don't need anyone else to respect me. I'm true to me. i've found that out throughout all this breakup mess. really, i have. I've always been the kind. If i'm going against the advice, it isn't because it isn't good, it's because I don't see things in black and white. This girl has confessed, i found out from her, she said she was stupid and selfish, all of which is true. I do love her.

As i said, she's been through things too. as a child, and even now she is reaping what she sowed. I never was a jerk with her, even when she told me about her cheating. I've kept my dignity, and i've remained a gentleman. now i'm no push-over, and she knows it. i'm just very strong in who I am. I don't see against the "why not" i never have, shy should i now? she's reached out to me, and i feel it. if i am a fool, then i am one on my terms, which makes me no fool, in the end. I do know what i'm getting into. I just have the feeling that people can heal together. what is most of this website about, healing. and we're all in this together, don't you think?

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O.k. you are pretty determined in your opinion that beeing her friend would be good idea. Or better to be said you want us to confirm your opinion and agree with you. So are you determined or you're asking us to reassure you?

 

You asked us are you affraid of yourself? I don't think so, you're affraid of her hurting you again.

 

I am not a very big fan of complicated discussions so I will say openly how I think that you are trying to find a reason to be her friend, and your arguments don't seem to convincing to me.

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well, I don't feel i need to convince anyone on this board. we're all here to share and to be "heard." i did call her last night, and she came over. he had a good long talk about things that happened, and things that need to happen.

She said things she needed to say so did I. we both agreed that talking and being there for each other was good. it's what i was looking for, in the end. and my insticnt was right. i was fearing myself, and I was thinking i was going to be hurt. she did say to me things that hurt to hear, but i heard them. i told her some things that hurt, but she needed to hear them. In the end, time is what everyone needs. it was a good night, and satisfying either for closure, or for a slow start. I don't know where anything will go, but i can let go, and give someone else a chance. if she (my ex) and i ever get back together, then it will be sweet, if not and both of us find other people, that'll be weet too. I'm glad I didn't listen to the advice on this forum. not that you all have not been a great help to me, but i've always been the kind to dance to my own tune, and my instinct was correct.

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I am glad you decided to do what you tought is the best. And also I am glad you are feeling o.k. and happy about your decision. It happened to me once too, I decided to post a question here and decided not to follow the advice and I've done the right thing by dooing so. it is hard to explain complete situation on the forum sometimes. If a problem is in the gray area you can get very different answers.-

Good luck

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