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Girlfriend's past bothers me......


VisionsOfNow

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Well, you can engage in a bloodbath, or you could talk to her about her past in a calm, open and understanding manner.

 

Whilst the first holds appeal, the second would probably be more endearing. Is this an issue she doesn't want to talk about? If not, then is it a possible reaction you're afraid of if you discuss this too deeply with her?

 

I'd talk about what you're feeling - but that and bloodbaths are my answer to everything - and how you feel about her past. Make it very clear that you trust her, but gently let her know that you'd like to learn more about what happened to her.

 

Hope this helped... =)

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I understand where you are coming from. I've been there.

 

Of course, she can't help the abuse, but your relationship may suffer from possible side effects from it. Has she been/need any counseling because of it?

 

The guy friends that like her aren't friends. They are potential suitors that can cause more harm than good in your relationship. I would have a talk with her and let her know this bothers you. You can't expect her to drop her friends, but let her know where you are coming from. You don't want to be controlling, but you owe it to her and the relationship to be honest with your feelings.

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well u know i came to this forum with a simliar problem man, my girlfriend who i love has had quite a sexual past and same with her shes a different person now.. but i have not had much of a sexual past, now she hasnt had sex with a ton of guys but between the age of 14-18 ive found out that basically shes blown "probley" around 30 different guys she said,, not to mention the one that really gets me is when she was 16 she blew 3 guys in the lockerroom at highschool, now that one i cant get out of my head, and its brings up odd emotions too cuz in some ways its kinda hot lol but then it pisses me off that she did that and that those guys got her that easy and then im kinda sad that nothing that cool ever happened to me when i was 16 hah, so its a odd one, but i mean i love this girl and maybe it wasnt smart to even ask her about her past but since our relationship has gone so far i needed too.. and now im just a mess but im not even really pissed off at her somehow i think im more pissed at myself i dont even know its very confusing.. so ya i know how ya feel...

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it's hard to understand what happened to her unless you were in her shoes of why she took the crap. If she's changed and grown, just let it be! Abuse is not her fault at all. You are probably sorry for what she went through and it hurts you that men would treat her like that. My mom was sexually abused as a child, and what she thought then was she deserved it or that's the way life is so i have to live with it. Could be what she thought too before and people may not believe her back then or she blamed herself for it.

 

You just have to let her past go b/c she isn't that person anymore and be there for her and show her what she deserves. A fresh start for her and a relationship to build on. I mean why bring in a problem if it's in the past and let it ruin your relationship. She probably doesn't even want to remember the past and just wants to look forward to having a better future.

 

I hope she does have some consuelling though, that pain she went through takes time to heal it's emotionally damaging. There's not much you can fix about her past b/c it happened but voice your concern and try to help her get over the past if she needs help.

 

Good luck!

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Is this an issue she doesn't want to talk about? If not, then is it a possible reaction you're afraid of if you discuss this too deeply with her?

 

We have talked about it but not extensively. I am reluctant to keep asking her about her past, because I don't want it to cause problems between us. And I'm afraid the more I find out, the more I'll think about it. But like I said, as a human, there is part of me that wants to find out more as well.

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We have talked about it but not extensively. I am reluctant to keep asking her about her past, because I don't want it to cause problems between us. And I'm afraid the more I find out, the more I'll think about it. But like I said, as a human, there is part of me that wants to find out more as well.

 

The curiosity will get to you, even if you don't realise it will begin manifesting in ways you don't realise - that curiosity will lead to doubt, and doubt is a stones throw from distrust. If I were you I'd grab the bull by the horns and settle in for a nice, long discussion, asking her everything - making it clear that while you want to know, you respect her if she doesn't want to tell you and that you trust her ect...

 

That's just my opinion though, other people will have cleverer things to say about it =)

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The guy friends that like her aren't friends. They are potential suitors that can cause more harm than good in your relationship.

 

I think this is dead on. The abuse issues aside you have to ask your self is she a girl who needs the attention of men to feel good? IF you think that she is you might want to think why she is with you. Is it because of who you are? Or is it because you are another male who gives her attention?

 

I have gone through this myself although she didnt suffer abuse per se she did in her words "think one of her male friends put his hands down my pants when I was passed out." I never questioned her and fully supported her but when I look back on it I ask myself if she was passed out the how did she know he did this and if she did know then why didnt she do anything.

 

In hindsight there were a lot of red flags pointing to her need for male attention. Little things like hanging out with guys she knew liked her, having male "friends" sleep in her bed while we were going out. The best one was reading over an old emial she sent where she says "I know I have issues with needing attention from men."

 

My point is needing attention from the sex you are attracted to is not healthy. We all like attention but when it becomes a driving force behind decision making and people are making decisions based soley on emotions as opposed to logic it will be a hilly ride. Unless she recognizes this as an issue and then takes steps to correct this I am afraid you are going to spend a good amount of time banging your head on the wall.

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Is having guy friends that bad? She might simply relate better to guys and their interests than to women and theirs.

 

However, regarding abuse, the abuser often makes the victim blame themselves for being hit. They "provoked" the abuser, so they deserved it. The abuser will also shower the victim with lots of love and attention, confusing the victim even more. They come to think that if this loving, attentive person hits me, I must have really done something wrong!

 

It doesn't mean she likes being abused. It doesn't mean she is looking for that again.

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Is having guy friends that bad? She might simply relate better to guys and their interests than to women and theirs.

 

 

Nope not at all and no one said that. However there are some women out there who keep men around who shower affection on them and then women enjoy this attention. Healthy women do not *need* the attention of men and any woman interested in her relationship will not need these other men to keep her self esteem up.

 

There is a big difference between going mountian biking, bowling, whatever with a male because you enjoy the same activities. But hanging out with because you like the attention this is different.

 

Personally if I knew one of my female friends was interested in me or I suspected she was and I was in a relationship I would certainly distance myself. In fact even if I was not in a relationship I would distance myself. The question to ask is why a person does not distance themselves from someone who likes them if they do not feel the same way back.

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  • 3 years later...

visionsofnow,

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!

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