He has a son & I didn't know

[ginger111080]

Ok, here it goes.

 

My husband who is 26 has been chatting with an ex girlfriend he dated in high school on myspace, I came into the room while he was talking to her & I noticed she had asked him if I knew about her, he replied "yes, but not about you know what""......so I confronted him about what he had said, he denied there was anything i should know about & not to worry, they were just friends (she is also married), she then mentioned that her mother still hated him, I also questioned him about this, he shrugged it off, saying that they used to get into lots of trouble in school etc,etc.......I refused to accept this.

 

I've since found out, that he has a son with her, she had to give him up for adoption as soon as he was born in 1997 (she was only 17)......I've tried to ask him, or should I say i've said to him that I think his ex & him are hiding something from me & I think I have the right to know what's going on cause i'm his wife.

 

He's told me it will never be discussed, he will never tell me & is making out that nothing has happened. His family & his ex girlfriend are catholics & i'm thinking it's a super big family secret. He's told me that what's happened in his past stays there & he doesn't want to bring anything up as it's not going to affect our relationship and I don't need to know.

 

I feel so much for his ex having to give her baby up, I feel for him too, it must be a terrible burden, I just wish I could be there for the both of them.

 

Please help me, how should I handle this. My husband is very private & doesn't want to discuss anything in his past. I feel things would be so much easier for him if he could be more honest with me. He's been so used to having his own private life, I guess he's still getting used to having to share things with a wife. I don't think he will ever tell me about his son, I know he asks his ex about him & how he is......I wish I could be there for him, but he wont let me.

 

Please help me what should I do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is not being respectful of you. You are his wife and yet he is talking to his ex about the child they had together and he keeps this a secret from you. This is not good. It is not even a matter of you being there for him to help him, it is a matter of him respecting the fact that YOU ARE HIS WIFE and any child he had in the past is indeed relevant to you, especially since he feels the need to discuss it with his ex. You need to sit down and talk to him about how this has impacted you. What other secrets is he keeping from you. You have a right to know.

[DN]

I disagree. The child was adopted and is no longer part of his life. It was a private matter between him and his ex.

 

Just because you are married it does not give you the right to know everything about your partner particularly when that confidential matter involves the privacy of someone else, in this case the ex.

 

Bottom line - it's not your business.

[ElektraHere]

I agree with DN. I think that this is something that only the two of them understand. They know the emotions and feelings that go along with this. You should let your husband have this piece to himself. As long as he isnt crossing the line with being inappropriate I would not be that upset.

[xprincessbugx]

I agree with the above posters. This doesn't concern you it happened before you and the child is not a part of his life.

[InaneCathode]

Not your business, that child ceased to exist to your husband and his ex the second they gave him/her away for adoption.

[ginger111080]

I just want to thank you all for your comments, I agree that it should be left in the past. I shall try & get over this moment in time & move on, once again, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I've moved abroad with my husband & have left all I know & all my support, family and friends back in the UK. I'm glad I have somewhere to come if I have any more troubles.....

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Momene]

It'll soon be your business if in 2015 he suddenly shows up on your doorstep!

[doyathink]

Sometimes the past will present itself and IMHO, things like this should be brought into the open when you marry someone, you don't know how devastating it is to find out later!

 

This child may possibly show up someday and then he will have to confront the situation!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I disagree that he is not being respectful.

 

But I do think that you should respect his privacy. If and when he feels comfortable telling you about it, he will. If not, then he won't.

 

It could be a very painful memory. Maybe talking about it will be too painful. let it go and maybe just let him know that you're there if he ever does want to talk about it.

 

Ginger - do the two of you have any children or have plans to?

[ginger111080]

We have discussed having children & no we don't have any or I don't anyway, he's told me he doesn't want any, and that he doesn't really like them. To be honest i've never really been interested in children either......I have nooooo motherly instincts at all. I think it is a sore memory for him, any time i feel unwell he panics that i'm pregnant.....I just wish I could be there for him you know......but I sppose me being married to him is enough?

[ginger111080]

I have to say this is my worry too, but he seems to be intent on telling me that what he's hiding will never, ever affect us.......I have not idea how the whole adoption thing works & if he can ever be traced. But it looks like i'll just have to deal with that when the times comes. I'll have to try & pretend to look shocked!.....maybe buy then he will have already told me he has a son.....I hope anyway!

 

All I know is it's a very sore & shameful issue in his life that he wishes only to discuss with his ex. I can only but respect that. Women are so different, we're so open & honest about things.....men are quite happy to hide things & not be so honest. It's something we just have to accept @ times I think. If I were hiding this secret from him, i'd feel sooooo gulity.

[savannahohsavannah]

It sounds like you married him too soon, or too young. He should not keep a child, even one given up for adoption, as a personal secret from YOU. What else is he hiding? Privacy only goes so far, in marriage.

[DN]

Let me ask those who think he should have revealed the birth of this child if they believe a woman who has had an abortion should also be under the same obligation.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thank you DN - Good question. I'd like to know as well.

 

I think this issue of pregnancy, birth and child raising is a duo responsibility issue. It is neither the woman's nor the man's obligation to have, abort, keep, or adopt out a child but it is the decision of BOTH!!

 

It takes TWO to make a baby, it should take TWO to decide.

 

As for this particular posters issue, I've given my opinion, sorry - the sexism in the whole "whose child/body is it?" thing really gets me going....sorry

[DN]

BTW - my question was not meant to open a debate about abortion for that is not the issue here but to try and bring a different perspective to the issue of privacy.

[ginger111080]

here,here....thank you for that DN & Ta Ree Saw.....I still agree that it's his own business. Good point about the abortion thing aswell, I've never had one but if I had, I have to say I wouldn't ever mention it to my husband, so yeah, that makes me see it from a better point of view. Thanks....it's making me see this whole situation a lot clearer.

[ginger111080]

I don't think getting married too soon or to young has anything to do with it to be honest, we are both in our late 20's....it's obviously a sore point for him to mention, it happened when the both of them were 17...it's an easy mistake to make at that age!.....

[Entomon]

I have a mutual friend who was in the same situation. He husband came highly recommended by her colleagues. He's divorced, that she knew. Well, they courted for three years and eventually got married about a year ago. It just recently came to her attention that her husband has a 22 year old son!

 

This, of course, happened to a woman who holds a PhD in Education. So I suppose anyone can be misled.

[savannahohsavannah]

Some issues beg for the no privacy attitude! Any child is one of them, because it points to responsibility or irresponsibililty of the person. Abortions can affect the womans ability to reproduce again so I think it might be a good thing to tell a potential marriage partner about it. Better that than in the OBGYN's off later, trying to explain the fact that you didn't think it mattered, and now you can't get pregnant. People tend to get huffy that their sexual behaviors are their own private business, and it may be so for your friends and co-workers, but your SO is someone who can be affected by your past behavior. If you had had unprotected sex with an HIV positive person, would you expect your new SO to want to know? Would you believe you had a right to know if your new lover had an HIV + diagnosis?

[DN]

An STD is a health related issue and is a different matter altogether because that would possibly endanger the health and /or life of a partner.

 

Just how much of your life should be an open book to a partner? Should you tell of family problems, the fact that a grandfather may have been an alcoholic, or a mother may have been manic-depressive at one time?

 

You don''t own someone body and soul when you marry. All sorts of past behaviours can come back to affect you later in life but that doesn't mean you are under an obligation to reveal them all 'just in case'.

 

The fact that someone may have been irresponsible at the age of 17 is not an indicator that they are irresponsible now. And for all you know, they may have taken all due precautions to avoid a pregnancy but whatever method they used failed.

[savannahohsavannah]

I don't think I'd want to be with someone who took that attitude. When you marry you get a package deal, someone's present, past and future. To think otherwise is unwise in the extreme.

 

You sound like someone who might be afraid of their past.

 

Savannah

[doyathink]

A child should not be a secret! If your partner has a child you should have the right to know it before you marry. You never know what the future holds.

 

An aborted child will never show up on your doorstep, but for medical reasons, it should be brought up!

[DN]

You sound like someone who might be afraid of their past.

 

Savannah

As a member I can say that at my age I have a lot of past - so far I am afraid of none of it.

 

As a moderator I should ask you to keep any disagreements with other members that you may have on a non-personal level.

[Bethany]

Please help me, how should I handle this. My husband is very private & doesn't want to discuss anything in his past. I feel things would be so much easier for him if he could be more honest with me. He's been so used to having his own private life, I guess he's still getting used to having to share things with a wife. I don't think he will ever tell me about his son, I know he asks his ex about him & how he is......I wish I could be there for him, but he wont let me.

 

I think you feel that things would be easier for YOU if he could be more honest with you. And I can understand that. But I think you need to look at this from his side for things to get better.

 

Also, I think you should handle this by respecting his privacy and not pressing him on the subject anymore. He has said he does not want to talk about it, so just let it rest.. By doing this you are showing your support of him, showing him your understanding of how painful and sensitive this is for him, and showing him that you respect his decision. By doing this he is more likely to WANT to be honest with you and talk to you about the subject in the months, years to come.