My boyfriend wants to go out with this buddies...

[bezskazy]

My boyfriend is always complaining about me not letting him go out with his friends. We got into a huge argument and I promised I will not have a problem with it. I am sitting at work right now, and I am thinking about him beeing out without me and my stomach hurts. He had never gave me any reason to worry about him, although he is young and I see him looking at girls when we are out. His friends are a lot older then him and they are not the best examples for other guys. One of them has a gf and sleeps with other girls everytime she is not around. I know this becasue he did it the other week.

My bf and I decided to go with this guy to the shore and he brought this girl from the bar to the hotel knowing that we are sleeping in next bed. I know his gf doesn't know that he is cheating on her, but I feel horrible.

Then when my bf says that he wants to go out with this guy I am worried that after couple of drink he might convince him to do something stupid.

All his friends are single. We have been together for past 3 years. Do you think he is just confused with beeing single vs. in relationship?

[RayKay]

Well, even in a relationship people should have their own identities including personal hobbies and friends.

 

I don't think that is about "confusion", I think it is that need for a person to retain their sense of self. Honestly, when you lose your identity in a relationship, you are really slowly killing the relationship.

 

However, I can see why you do not like this buddy of his. Bottom line is what his friends do is not automatically what HE does, though I do tend to pay attention to the choice in friends people have, as usually they do share many things in common.

 

But bottom line is, his buddy can't MAKE him or convince him to do something HE would not do. If he was convinced, that shows his true character. You can't MAKE someone cheat whom is committed and faithful.

[Honey Pumpkin]

My boyfriend is always complaining about me not letting him go out with his friends.

[...]

My bf and I decided to go with this guy to the shore and he brought this girl from the bar to the hotel knowing that we are sleeping in next bed. I know his gf doesn't know that he is cheating on her, but I feel horrible.

Then when my bf says that he wants to go out with this guy I am worried that after couple of drink he might convince him to do something stupid.

All his friends are single. We have been together for past 3 years. Do you think he is just confused with beeing single vs. in relationship?

 

Hi there,

 

Couple of things - first of all, is your opening line is about you 'letting him go out with his friends'. In a relationship, no one 'lets' the other do something or not, that smacks too much of controlling behaviour. If someone said to me that they were going to 'let' me go out, I would be out of there so fast!! You can't try to control someone because of your own fears and insecurities, even though they seem justified to you. That's just gonna end badly!

 

Secondly, I agree with RayKay, you both need to have your own lives and friends, and have a sense of self. I have a circle of friends that I would not give up for anyone - they are too precious to me, and no one should ask anyone to give up friendship.

 

I do understand your unease because of the friend's sleeping around and cheating - but he's NOT your boyfriend, you said yourself your boyfriend has never given you cause to worry. This is going to sound trite, but try to be someone your boyfriend is glad to go back to at the end of a night out to share the stories and be happy with, rather than someone who has been neurotically biting her nails all night fretting about 'letting' him go out.

 

Good luck!

[bezskazy]

Thank you so much for beeing honest with me. I am divorced and my ex husband didn't go out at all. Well once a month he will meet up with his friends and play computer games all day long. I came here from a different country. I don't have many friends, but I am trying to meet new people.

Hopefully I will be able to get over the fear of him cheating on me or doing something behind my back.

[WildChild]

I understand that you are concerned with his friends behavior and how that might reflect on their plans when they go out, but I am a little more than curious why you have such a "fear of him cheating on me or doing something behind my back" unless there is more reason than what you may be letting on. Were you ever cheated on by him or your ex, or has he done something to you to make you think he would? We all have friends or know someone whose behavior is questionable when it comes to relationships, but I think you are putting a lot of unnecessary burden on your boyfriend, and for some people that is a real turn off. The ole saying is "if ya think I am, I might as well be doing it". Tell him your concerns about his buddy, but don't make it his issue.

[HellFrost666]

Have you been cheated on before?

[bezskazy]

No, nobody ever cheated on me. I think partially my problem is that I am almost 30 years old, divorced and scared to make another mistake. I need to be a little stronger and not think too much about it. Take one day at a time and enjoy my life. For the longest time I was questioning myself if I even love him. However, after last argument I know I do and that scares me. I went for some counseling sessions and my counselor told me that I am afraid to open up because I am afraid to get hurt again. How do you become the strong, confident woman that I want to be?

[WildChild]

You need to have faith in yourself, and most importantly you need to remember that you were you way before your boyfriend or your ex. Take pride in who you are, and each day you will see the wonderful qualities you hold. Everyone has bad days, but keep in mind your boyfriend saw those qualities in you. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth so just because you are divorced, does not mean that your relationship with your boyfriend will turn out the same. Of course it never hurts to watch your back so you don't get stomped on, but don't let the ruins of your last relationship flood the one you are in now

[AwdreeHpburn]

I can see your concern for sure.

 

You can't protect yourself from those things just by not "letting" him go out (I use that tem loosely of course). He will do it if it's in him to do it.

 

You don't have to cross that bridge until you actually get to it.