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Three sides to every story.


Riggz41510
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Do you know what I would love to hear.. And to hear it candidly and all the way honest; our ex's side of the story.

 

We all post on here,*myself* included on how good we were to our ex's, how we treated them this way and such, and how they were still able to leave. I wonder what their story would be?

 

Are our perceptions of the relationship totally warped and one-sided? Do your think you ex would have the same view on your guy's relationship. For my case I would say no!!

 

I wonder when did it get to the point where she felt it was over? How long did she mentally get to prepare for it? Mean while I'm walking on the train tracks and no one is YELLING "Look out, look out a train is coming"!!!!

 

I wish I would have been warned or at least given a heads up. Maybe I didn't recognize the signs. Then again how could I, when two days before she left me, we were talking about how our wedding was going to be!!

 

There are three sides to every story.. YOURS, THEIRS, AND MOST IMPORTANT THE TRUTH!!!

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no, i don't think our exes see our relationships the way we see them. because i KNOW how many sacrifices i made, how good i was to him, but if he allowed himself to acknowledge or dwell on those things, he couldn't have broken up with me and he surely wouldn't be able to live with himself now. yeah, certainly i'm biased about how i was in the relationship, but i know how much i loved him, and what i did to show that love, and how so few women would be willing to put up with the kind of LDR we were in. i am flawed, but i loved him very deeply.

 

but that's the way it goes. your ex focuses on the bad things about you so he doesn't want you again, and so he doesn't feel badly for hurting you. well, at least that's what many will do.

 

and i hear you, my ex was throwing out all sorts of lines in the days or minutes, even, before he broke up with me. "i wish it were four years from now so we could just get married" came a few minutes before the first time he tried to break up with me. ugh. please.

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I will definitely be back to post on this, while not at work. Excellent subject and post. Surely there is more than one side and YES, I know that my ex would have a DIFFERENT story.

 

To be fair to her, it was no bed of roses for her either. I show love more openly, she hides. Not a good mix.

 

Also, her family was involved in everything we did. I lashed out quite a few times, when I should not have.

 

It is both of our faults, but right now, I will take 60% of the blame (at least). I will be back.

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After giving it six weeks of time, my ex and I were actually able to agree on what happened in the relationship with very little finger pointing. Not everyone can do this, but if you had a respectful relationship and both parties would like to do this, it's not always a bad idea. Just be sure that if you want to, and that person is willing, you aren't going to attack.

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I am still at work, but wanted to chime in again.

 

Enivel: Sure, I hear ya. My ex and I had the "talk", and she took some blame. She even stated she knows she needs to figure out why she treated me the way she did. She also apologized for the stuff she did.

 

All that came out of her mouth, but what she was doing, was either treating me like we were never together or acting like we were together.

 

I know she would tell a different story than I. I think about how all this went down and how I am STILL helping her with stuff AND she does not seem appreciative. I have saved her a TON of money, worked with her to keep her family ok. Sat with her many times in the hospital, with a family member and so forth.

 

She still acts as if we never knew each other as BF and GF. I cannot help but get angry about it. I gave up so much of myself. YES, I know that was my fault, but how can a human being, supposedly in love, just throw the other's feelings away?

 

I don't know what happened to that sweet person I met. Man, did we ever beat each other down. Sometimes, I will be walking around the office or around my house and then suddenly just get sad. What is that?

 

Also, I am up here in an area that is not my home. Sure it's my choice, but what the heck else could I have done? File bankruptcy? I know I have to be a man first and should work hard, but this still is throwing me for a loop. It has been almost 3 months and I cannot recover fully.

 

Anyway, as you can see, I am not in a good place and ranted. Sorry about that. I am trying so hard to be ANGRY with her. I mean, REALLY angry. Not going too good yet. I know I don't like being alone, but I know we aren't good. So, now I just sit around lonely. Sure, I can try and meet new friends, but at this moment, it just feels weird hanging out with others.

 

Add all that to the fact that I want my old life back. I want my apartment. I want to park in a garage, finally. All this just BITES! Sometimes I just walk around and think, man, I want my damn life back.

 

I was thinking too, when we together, I used her as a crutch to not do my part and NOW, I am using her as an excuse, for the same reason.

 

Weird, but true. Sorry again about the rant.

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I wonder when did it get to the point where she felt it was over? How long did she mentally get to prepare for it? Mean while I'm walking on the train tracks and no one is YELLING "Look out, look out a train is coming"!!!!

 

I wish I would have been warned or at least given a heads up. Maybe I didn't recognize the signs. Then again how could I, when two days before she left me, we were talking about how our wedding was going to be!!

 

 

I have heard that on average, people "prepare" to break up for about 3 months.

 

There are always warning signs and signals given if you are honest enough to look back and see them.

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need2beme,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

This is not a consolation, but it is the same with eveyone, about her acting like you were never together romantically. I don't know how or why a person could act like that, and that is probably 75% of why it is so difficult to accept a breakup. It's like the romantic, attractive side of you has disappared around her, she does not respond to it, sees you as a friend. I know it's hard because we cannot understand why it happens, but accepting that will bring you closure and peace.

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I have heard that on average, people "prepare" to break up for about 3 months.

 

There are always warning signs and signals given if you are honest enough to look back and see them.

 

Let's be fair about those warning signs and signals. They are only seen in retrospect, and virtually impossible to detect while they are happening. If you were to worry about those things that you then perceived as minor, you would scold yourself for being paranoid. Although you are right, they are there when you look back.

 

Three months... I think that sounds like a good estimate. In fact, I was just thinking about this about ten minutes ago and my estimate was 3-4 months for how long my ex had been contemplating it.

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Let's be fair about those warning signs and signals. They are only seen in retrospect, and virtually impossible to detect while they are happening.

 

Sometimes that may be true but in my experience more often the bells are ringing loudly, it's just that one person does not want to hear them.

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Sometimes that may be true but in my experience more often the bells are ringing loudly, it's just that one person does not want to hear them.

 

I am less experienced in relationships. Maybe when I have more of it, I will hear the bells ringing louder. However, there are also many times when the relationship is fine and you think it could be the bells. When the bells are ringing it's probably best that the relationship is over... I mean, at that point it is obvious that the two were not able to communicate/work well enough together, and the "signs" are often indirect ways of knowing, rather than direct. Obviously direct communication is preferred.

 

Do you agree?

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Yes basically. Communication is nearly always at the heart of the issue. As soon as you feel that communication (physical, emotional, intellectual) is not quite right then you can assume you have a problem in the relationship.

 

Then you have to communicate to fix it and that is not always easy. Many, many people just choose to ignore it (it's too hard, it seems petty etc) and that basically starts the end of the relationship.

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Yes basically. Communication is nearly always at the heart of the issue. As soon as you feel that communication (physical, emotional, intellectual) is not quite right then you can assume you have a problem in the relationship.

 

Then you have to communicate to fix it and that is not always easy. Many, many people just choose to ignore it (it's too hard, it seems petty etc) and that basically starts the end of the relationship.

 

I agree with you on that one. Although sometimes it isn't that simple. I think sometimes issues become so deep and overwhelming, communication becomes destructive. At least I felt that way... or maybe I was a bit lazy in that regard as well. To explain where I am coming from, in my relationship, these were the questions I faced:

 

A. Do I love this woman?

B. If I love her, could I marry her, even though I'm only 24?

C. If I could marry her, could I also accept her children into my life?

D. If I could go this far, could I also live thousands of miles from my family to be with her?

E. If I do all this, could I be sure I'll never want children myself? (She had a vasectomy.)

 

So I guess I'm rambling about my situation, but whenever she wanted to talk about our future, how could I possibly begin to organize these thoughts, and communicate them to her? For her, it was simply how she felt about me; for me, it was all of these things. So I felt that, after some failed conversations, it was better just to go with the flow and see if anything progressed. I guess my only point is that communication is good, but sometimes there are issues that cannot be made clearer no matter how much you want them to be. I began to dread talking to her, because she deserved clear answers, but I just couldn't give them to her given the situation. So I guess I just gave up, but it wasn't because I wasn't willing to try, just that no amount of effort could give me these answers... only more time... time that she could not give me.

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how could I possibly begin to organize these thoughts, and communicate them to her?

 

But that is a perfect example. You have to communicate something of this because otherwise what she is perceiving is uncertainty on your part.

 

What happened? Did she start to withdraw from the relationship or did she get overly clingy and concerned about your feelings.

 

I began to dread talking to her, because she deserved clear answers, but I just couldn't give them to her given the situation.

 

This is just classic behaviour. So you are both on opposite sides of the bed too petrified to talk to each other.

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Well of course she would be perceiving uncertainty, because that is exactly what it was on my part. At first she was clingy, then she began to withdraw from the relationship and ended it. We did try to talk, but she always had a strong answer about how she felt for me; I could tell her how I felt about her, but given all five of those questions, of course I was uncertain about marriage, which is what she wanted. I think that given the circumstances, communication would have/did just make things more complicated.

 

I tried to explain to her how it was complicated for me with all the other issues besides simply my feelings, and tried to go over those points, but ultimately she took my uncertainty as a rejection. She was probably right to end the relationship... I mean, those were just issues that, no matter how much I thought about, with my life experience, I just could not fully answer at that time and still can't. We were usually happy together, but I could never give her certainty in what I wanted long-term. It was probably just not a very good match from the start, but we had great chemistry.

 

After awhile we both kind of just enjoyed each other's company, I still didn't see it ending because she finally said that she loved what we had even if we weren't going to get married. But ultimately what she did want was marriage, even if she tried to convince herself otherwise. Some relationships just were not meant to work out; in some cases you can communicate, although being entirely articulate may end a relationship sooner than later, and you might miss out on the good times that you can enjoy when there is less focus on the future.

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Let's be fair about those warning signs and signals. They are only seen in retrospect, and virtually impossible to detect while they are happening. If you were to worry about those things that you then perceived as minor, you would scold yourself for being paranoid. Although you are right, they are there when you look back.

 

Three months... I think that sounds like a good estimate. In fact, I was just thinking about this about ten minutes ago and my estimate was 3-4 months for how long my ex had been contemplating it.

 

We were supposed to be moving into a new home the week before we broke up. If she had been planning to leave than why make all these commitments..

 

The week prior to her leaving she told me she thought she didnt make me happy, and wanted me to be happy.. I assured her she did.. She still said she wanted to end it.. Then the same night popped up at my house at 4am crying saying she was sorry and I am the only man for her, she would never leave me, she can't imagine her life without me etc..

 

It just left me totally confused??

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