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what does this stuff mean?


abbett
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my gf - we are recently back together after having some problems for a few weeks. we broke up but did come back together.

 

since we've been back together, i just don't understand certain behaviors. i am trying not to overanalyze, because i tend to do that, but these behaviors upset me. and i guess i'm seeking to know if it's legitimate i am upset or not.

 

she really only uses her cell phone for me. she used to have text messages but doesn't anymore - just regular phone use. she calls me sometimes......but mostly tends to just use voicemail. she can call my phone and just leave a voicemail.

 

i try calling her but she never answers - and so i will leave voicemails. but she tends to wait hours before checking the voicemails.

 

i know she loves me and i am about the only good thing in her life right now - she also doesn't have many friends. so it's not related to all of that. i just don't understand how she can just wait so long between checking messages.

 

she can send me text messages from her computer and she sometimes will and will leave voicemails, but why not actually call me?

 

i asked her today to please try to be more considerate about checking the messages i leave her because i might really need her for something if she doesn't answer or waits hours between checking my voicemails, it might be too late for some info i might want to give her or ask of her. you know?

 

also, we had talked of getting together this weekend. being a long weekend. we have a long distance thing going. she said she might have to work on saturday. last weekend she came and said if she had to work, she'd come after work and stay til sunday. but it seems iwth this weekend if she has to work, she doesn't plan on coming up. i mentioned i might be in her town seeing a football game on saturday but it would be with my dad. she suggested i spend the night there - she lives iwht her mother so it would not be at her house but at a friend's house. but i could only stay one night. that means i'd lose monday with her. and i'd rather not do that.

 

anyway, i know she is working during the day as i am. but how hard is it to check messages on a break or whatever? would you guys be hurt as well?

 

it just makes me feel like she doesn't think me that important.

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I think you have to pick your battles... It seems like you're kind of obsessing here and becoming clingy. I certainly wouldn't find it attractive at all.

 

If you want to call her, leave one single solitary message. And she'll get to it when she gets to it. If everything else is going well in terms of attraction, affection, and life goals then don't sweat the small stuff. This really is SMALL stuff.

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well, i just find it inconsiderate to not be interested in if i've called or not. i might have something important i need to talk with her about. she's upset if i am not available to her. you know?

 

and i guess this might be small stuff if everything else is well, but it's not really. i feel she's not very sexual for whatever reason........it's always my idea and it's like pulling teeth. and in terms of life goals, i asked her the other day what her hopes and dreams were right now - and she said she didn't have any. she was just living in the moment. not too comforting.

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I can see where you are coming from. But this is who she is. She won't change unless she wants to. Her not checking her voicemail for a few hours is just something a lot of people do.

 

Honestly, it just sounds like she's not that interested in you. But maybe she is, I'm not one to make that judgement when I don't even know her.

 

I think you need to talk to her about this. Have you?

 

I think you also need to deicde if her behavior and who she is something you think you deserve. And if not, then something needs to be done.

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well, i just find it inconsiderate to not be interested in if i've called or not. i might have something important i need to talk with her about. she's upset if i am not available to her. you know?

 

and i guess this might be small stuff if everything else is well, but it's not really. i feel she's not very sexual for whatever reason........it's always my idea and it's like pulling teeth. and in terms of life goals, i asked her the other day what her hopes and dreams were right now - and she said she didn't have any. she was just living in the moment. not too comforting.

 

Maybe you guys just aren't compatible? And it has to do with more than the phone messages? Believe me I have been where you are! You wonder why she doesn't treat you with the same consideration you would treat her, right? And it's true... She should... But you can't make people feel or do things that don't come naturally to them. It's taken me a serious heartbreak to learn that your best bet might be to find someone who NATURALLY treats you with the consideration you expect.

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You already know my thoughts on this from other posts. Things are set up very terrible and everything points to her not having very much interest which will lead to a break up in the near future. Just the way things happened, you had to get her to come back to you instead of letting her come back on her own had a lot to do with it. Her not wanting to have sex with you, her being very lax about checking your messages, all bad signs.

 

She can't force herself to care about you, even if she wanted to. Caring about someone is an involuntary response to how you act and you need to start looking at things in a different way.

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i try calling her but she never answers - and so i will leave voicemails. but she tends to wait hours before checking the voicemails.

 

[...]

anyway, i know she is working during the day as i am. but how hard is it to check messages on a break or whatever? would you guys be hurt as well?

 

it just makes me feel like she doesn't think me that important.

 

Hi there,

 

It could be that she is moving away from you, and maybe you can sense that distance. However, just to give a slightly different point of view, sometimes people aren't into that checking their phones. I am a bit like that myself, and the same with emails. Because a lot of my work is done by phone and email, in my leisure time I tend to not email friends much because I've had enough of the whole email thing. And I'm pretty lax about answering my phone - I often let it go to straight to voicemail. Sometimes things don't have hidden meanings, they just are that straightforward.

 

Talk to her about it, maybe come to some kind of compromise?

 

Good luck!

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well, it's just been very confusing. because, while sometimes it makes me think these things of her point to the fact that she's just not that interested.......i left it up to her to come back. she texted me and said hi. we started talking. she wanted to see me. i met her. then she wanted to come see me the next weekend - i couldn't because i had other plans. so she said she'd come the next weekend. she did. this past weekend. it's a 2-hour drive. if she wasn't all that interested, why would she drive that far?

 

she's been interested before. she's checked her messages nonstop, contacted me nonstop. but at the time, she had no job and nothing going on. now, she does have a job and i understand all that. but even at night, when she is home, she sometimes waits hours between checking messages.

 

last night, she had not checked her messages, but texted me from her computer to see what i was up to. i let her chase me a lot. i don't call her all the time. i don't text her. after work, i leave it up to her to contact me. and she will, but mostly through voicemail.

 

she told me this past weekend, that even if she had ot work on saturday, she would be coming up - even tho it would just be for 24 hours. she ended up not having to work, so she came on friday.

 

my coworker thinks it might be about control - her trying to get some control. i am not sure.

 

she has expressed to me that she cannot handle a lot of stress right now and i am not sure if that keeps her further back or what. i somehow think she is afraid that the more she communicates with me, the greater chance something might go wrong. so i am trying to disprove her. however, sometimes, a lack of communication makes things more tense and stressful.......at least for me.

 

i am not sure if her change is less interest (because if that's the case, why travel 2 hours to come see me, she even bought me some meals this past weekend, and she bought me flowers) or if it's just where she is right now with living with her stressful mother, working again, etc.

 

i just miss the way we used to be.

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i'm just so exhausted......it seems when there is a problem, i go to her and i say, this is how i feel and what i want. how do you feel and what do you want. and she just pretty much runs the other direction and avoids it.

 

we were talking good last night and then it turned into the usual - how she loves me but can't give me what i need (altho she used to at least try) and how she's always a disappointment and letting people down. how she's better off alone. how she can't handle drama (altho to me she causes the drama).

 

i mean, how frustrating is it that someone tells you they love you but then when communication is needed, they shut down, answer with i don't knows, and tells you you are the one creating problems when there don't need to be any.

 

there is nothing wrong with feeling disatisfied with something and lovingly telling your partner that.......expecting them to say how they feel and come together. it's like i'm not allowed to be disappointed or have feelings........to me, the lack of communication is the biggest problem - not the little issues that come up.

 

i feel so down. you can't make someone talk to you or want to try. but at least if you don't want to try anymore, say that, say you aren't as interested anymore, say what you need to say instead of trying to make it sound as tho you still love the person. because if you really love the person, wouldn't you want to make it work and wouldn't you want to communicate about it?

 

i've been working so hard to be ok with whatever she chooses to give me, which is very little - and when i have even the simplest question of why doesn't she even check my messages for hours - why not say, "i don't think about it, i am not that interested" whatever! her answer is "i don't know".

 

 

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not really. i think they were sort of on hold.......kind of trying to work through things differently, in a better way. i think there are communication difficulties. i will go and say what i feel, want, or need.....or would like. she , at this point, seems to just shut down and will not communicate.

 

i think she's gotten to *the point where she doesn't think it can work.......even tho she still hangs on.......ive been thinking it can work if only we communicate better.......but i think i'm getting to the point of realizing that if one person shuts down, the couple stops.

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