help me see sense?

[nilli]

Hi all, am new here but have been following posts for a while and need to offload some thoughts....and a kick up the backside!

 

I've known this guy for a couple of years, we were both in relationships when we met (v bad, i know). Mine finished shortly afterwards whilst his continued for a year. His relationship ended (don't know who initiated it) last august. They were together for 10yrs (gulp!).

 

At this point I was trying to get over him and didn't immediately respond to him but then we gradually began seeing eachother.

 

Thing is, it remained an emotional rollercoaster. Just when I thought we were making progress (he would be more affectionate, more keen to see me etc) I felt he backed away again.

 

I finally ended it 4 weeks ago as I felt constantly disappointed and felt my expectations were unrealistic and I was too emotionally dependent. I tried not to show it, didn't smother him and left most of the contact up to him. I persevered because I love him, believed we had great potential, thought maybe he just wasn't ready after his break-up so with a bit of patience things would work out....

 

But there were somethings that I couldn't push out of my mind for very long. He never told me his feelings, he wouldn't even stay the night sometimes. I saw him approx. once a week as he is only home at weekends, he didn't involve me in his life and I felt very low priority. If I mentioned any of this (rarely did) he would back off and I would be left feeling very hurt.

 

Obviously there were good times, fantastic chemistry, wonderful conversations, same humour, chatted daily on msn...but...it wasn't enough for me and I alternate between thinking that i wanted too much and thinking that I was right to let it go as the relationship wasn't doing me any good regardless of how I feel about him.

 

It ended because I laid my cards on the table (I was leaving for a month so I think this gave me courage) in an msn conversation. I felt he was being a bit cagey about meeting me even though I would be gone for 4 weeks. He did want to meet me but I said there was no point if things were never going to change/progress, told him I felt low priority and deserved better. Although for a while he claimed he wanted the same things as me, he eventually (when I insisted) said he was happy how things were for the time being. I said I would leave him be and that was the last thing I said to him.

 

I regret the ultimatum-like discussion, I feel like I handled it in a very immature manner, refusing to meet him before I left, whining etc. I hate not being in contact! I miss him and I don't know if it's pride or common sense that is stopping me from getting in touch. I'm posting because he's online and I so desperately want to speak to him...but there's no point is there? It's been 4 weeks of NC and it's the longest so far. I suppose I'm struggling to understand how my judgement could be so skewed and why I can't forget him...I'm almost 30 for goodness sake!

 

Can anyone help? I'm so confused about everything!

[Caterina]

If its meant to be, it will be. He is highly likely not over the last girl, unfortunately. Rather then letting that propell you in a anxiety driven sense, allow it to make you reflect on other things that you might want to focus on right now. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, they say...You shouldn't give too much merit to your decisions...its all fate anyways...

 

Even if it isn't fate, life is an experiment...you aren't going to do things perfectly so don't overanalyze your actions. Trust me, if he really wants something, he wont let a few obstacles stop him.

[nilli]

Thanks for your replies girls....sorry to hear you're going through something similar Jazzgirl..it was the not knowing where I stood that got me in the end. It's no doubt a good thing that you haven't slept with him. My doubts were that that's all he wanted from me (as it was amazing - sigh) so at least you don't have that worry.

 

So do you think it's right that I'm not contacting him? I technically ended it but I feel like I was the one who was dumped so my thinking now is that I've explained what I wanted, he knows I wanted a 'proper' relationship with him so it's up to him to get in touch...although the chance of that happening seem increasingly slim. I didn't have a return ticket booked the last time we spoke so he doesn't know even know where I am right now. He doesn't want to know it seems. This is sooo hard. I wish I knew how to ditch the false hope! I suppose time is te answer.

[nilli]

Does he have your email address? If so, he can reach you if he wants. I think you did the right thing..and you may come to feel that way with time. Your hopes and dreams are important...don't let anyone mess with them.

 

yes, he could contact me if he wants to...precisely why I know he doesn't want to. The silence is deafening! He's online on messenger though and I can't believe I've managed to not sign in...I don't want to go back to square one..although I'm only at square one and three-quarters right now.

 

I'm trying not to see his being online as a sign he's open to speaking with me...maybe he just doesn't know how to block lol...and maybe I should stop binge thinking.

 

Have you spoken to your guy recently about how he sees your relationship? Are you 'just' friends or...?

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think you know very well what you want and where you stand but I believe I must tell you the path you took is the right one.

 

 

 

I regret the ultimatum-like discussion, I feel like I handled it in a very immature manner, refusing to meet him before I left, whining etc. I hate not being in contact! I miss him and I don't know if it's pride or common sense that is stopping me from getting in touch. I'm posting because he's online and I so desperately want to speak to him...but there's no point is there? It's been 4 weeks of NC and it's the longest so far. I suppose I'm struggling to understand how my judgement could be so skewed and why I can't forget him...I'm almost 30 for goodness sake!

 

Can anyone help? I'm so confused about everything!

 

 

You weren't immature, you did the right thing in asking what the situation was, if you both wanted different things (as it turned out to be) it's important to discuss it, to make it clear.

 

I think what's stopping you from contacting him again is indeed your common sense, the guy had time to commit and he didn't want to take it to the next level, he's not going to change his mind, why would you want more of the same?.

 

Even if there was a connection, a relationship needs more than that, and you felt there was something missing, ignoring those things is lowering your standards.

 

Potential is nice but it's not reality, there are things that "could be good" but in the end it only matters "what it is".

 

The fact is he's not all you are looking for, and you are going to miss him and feel many things in the next few months but you are very strong (4 weeks of NC!), don't give up, you'll make it, you did what was best for you, that's going to give you peace in the long term.

 

Good Luck.

[nilli]

Thanks Stolenshadow,

 

I appreciate your reply, it helps to have an objective viewpoint and some encouragement....

 

I'm surprised myself that I've managed 4 weeks but, I've been on holiday with friends and family. Back to reality tomorrow but I'm sure it's given me strength and a much needed boost.

 

Take care x

[nilli]

after 4 weeks of NC the guy texts me. Although I won't deny my heart skipped a beat when I read it, I'm worried it's going to set me back now.

 

I have such mixed feelings about this. All he said was 'sorry, just had to ask how you are' to which I replied blandly, without asking any questions. I toyed with option of not replying but I thought that if I didn't I would not be able to get the 'to reply or not to reply' thing out of my head so I did it to put the ball back in his court...but was this a mistake?

 

Is this simply just him checking I'm still around? It's the longest we've gone without speaking.

 

What do you think?

[nilli]

sorry guys but having a very weak moment here...I want to get in touch with him but I'm terrified of what I would be inviting - rejection? more of the same?

 

On the other hand, maybe he thinks it's up to me to get in touch as I was the one who ended the relationship (because I wanted more from him than he seemed prepared to give and I felt I was on a rollercoaster).

 

He texted me last week after over 4 weeks NC. He wrote 'sorry, I couldn't not ask: how are you?'...I replied 'fine thank you, although I can't believe the holiday is already over'. This was last friday and I've heard nothing else. He's been online on messenger but I've managed to resist signing in....although he's not online today. I think I'm beginning to panic.

 

I've heard people say so many times that if someone truly cares for you and wants to be with you, they'll make it clear. The thing is *I* love him and want to be with him but I am doing my best to stay away!

 

His apologising for texting me makes me think he thinks I don't want to hear from him. I do. Do you think the very fact that I replied is enough to let him know that I am open to talking, should he want to?

 

I have been trying to move on...I've just been up and down like a yo-yo but I have been pining badly these past few days.

 

Any insight welcome.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I wish I had seen your other post before, but anyway.

 

Yes, the person who does the break-up should get in touch in case they change their mind, if they requested something and the "dumpee" believes it was fair then it's up to them to make contact and offer to make changes.

 

So, if he is willing to make the relationship work this time he's the one that had to call you, not text you, and say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" and all of that, but if it's you the one who thinks it doesn't matter anymore that he doesn't see the relationship the same way as you then you're the one that has to ask him back.

 

He only asked how you were, you replied and that was it, he didn't put anything else on the table and neither did you, but you cannot make him change his mind, all you can do is change yours or stick to your original decision.

 

Most people here have needed at least 4 months for their mixed emotions to disappear, and that's a reason why NC is recommended, because it's easier to deal with them if you are not calling your ex one day to say everything is cool and the next to say it's not, or having them doing that to you.

 

I think you should give yourself time, nothing should change in a few months, if after some time you still think you would rather have any relationship with your ex than none at all then you can contact him, let him know and ask if he's interested, but it really will help you to distance yourself a bit from the problem, to get a different perspective.

 

Whenever you feel like contacting him just remember being able to talk to each other or go out or whatever is not a guarantee that things are going to happen how you wish they would, and if something didn't give you different results in a long time chances are no matter how much more time passes it's going to be the same.

[LostAngel]

Hi Nilli

 

You say his relationship ended last August. Do you mean August 2005? If it is last year then surly if he really wanted to be in a relationship with you & commit, don't you think he would of by now? A year later.

 

I just really think that he does not really want to be with you 'cause if he did you would be together by now.

 

 

Sorry if I'm being a bit tough but I would think about that.

 

 

LostAngel

[nilli]

Stolenshadow,

 

thanks again for your insight. I found myself nodding my head all the way through. You talk a lot of sense.

 

I agree that a text just asking how I am shouldn't be enough to make me daydream that he wants to us to get back together...and more importantly, to make a go of it. He knows I wanted more so, if that was what he wanted, he wouldn't be afraid to ask for it. I suppose I wanted to see it as a 'peace offering', the start of communication being re-opened. Sigh.

 

Ok. I'm going to have to tough it out because I don't want to go back to the way things were. That was painful too. The disappointment that he didn't want the relationship to progress as I did.

 

I just wish I could accept it's over and move on. Shake this false hope! I've never had such an on/off, complicated relationship before so maybe this is why this breakup is so much harder to come to terms with than others.

 

My head kind of knows it's over but my heart aches for what I feel 'could have been'. It's silly, I know. I also worry that he'll always be 'the one who got away' in my mind and, at times, I fear never meeting anyone else. I suppose all this is quite common though.

 

I miss talking to him so much. I guess I'll just have to sit with my feelings for the time being and do my best to digest the bitter pill.

 

Thanks again, it helps to have it reinforced!

[nilli]

Hi Nilli

 

You say his relationship ended last August. Do you mean August 2005? If it is last year then surly if he really wanted to be in a relationship with you & commit, don't you think he would of by now? A year later.

 

I just really think that he does not really want to be with you 'cause if he did you would be together by now.

 

 

Sorry if I'm being a bit tough but I would think about that.

 

 

LostAngel

 

Yes, I did mean August 2005. I think the knowledge that a year had passed (coupled with the fact that I was leaving for a month) kind of pushed me to make my decision.

 

I always made excuses..'they were together for 10yrs, it will take a while', 'he started seeing me almost straight away, maybe it's too soon for us' etc etc etc.

 

It was so off and on but really I thought he cared deep down. He always initiated contact, I was very wary about pushing him too much. Then, just as you said, I couldn't shake the feeling that if he really did want to be with me, things wouldn't be so hard. He would have wanted to spend more time with me.

 

Thanks for your advice. Tough, yes but undoubtably well-meaning!

[stolenshadow]

No problem, glad to be of help.

 

Okay, I do believe he did send the text for a reason, maybe even get back together, so you are not wrong there, the problem is it would be on his terms, that's why he says "Hi" instead of "let's sort things".

 

It happens, some breakups are harder than others, for various reasons, sometimes we invest so much it becomes a nightmare to walk away, even if the relationship is not good anymore.

 

It's not silly how you feel, right now it's too soon for you to remember that there are other good guys out there and so it really is common and normal to fear you're never going to find a good relationship, but fear is not fact, and you know you need to let go because this world is huge and you will find love again, hanging on to the ex will give you little or nothing back, but leaving him in the past has many advantages.

 

Best wishes.