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On an emotional low

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I'm getting tired of acting like everything is ok, especially infront of my friends. I want to reach out and tell them everything but because all my life I've had trust issues it's hard for me. I'm longing more than ever to be close to someone, have some who could be my best friend and just understand me whenever I need it.

I do have a best friend, shes a gorgeous woman with so much strength, she helped me through alot over the past year but she lives in America and I live in NZ, so we are so far apart, only emails/letters/phone calls keep our friendship alive.


Today I got tired of smiling, I grew tired of pretending like everything is ok.

I walked away from my friends and spent sometime on my own, I've been doing that alot lately, spending time on my own. I thought I'd gotten past this whole sad phase I've been having for the last 3 months but I guess I haven't. When I come home after school I cry, but when I see my dads car pull up the drive I brush away the tears and put on a smile. I'm doing that everyday, painting a smile on with lipgloss, but I hate smiling.


My boyfriend doesn't understand, he's too busy with his mates to care about me. Today he said he'd spend time with me after school, I looked forward to that all day, even when the final bell rang I rushed out of class to meet him on the field. He never turned up. Instead his older sister saw me and came over to say hi, once again I acted fine, I pretended like there was nothing bugging me, but there was.


The fact that he never turned up.

I walked home in a half sulk, I wouldn't allow myself to cry, I'm sick of always crying when nobody is watching, but I'm sick of smiling when they do.


I'm so messed up, I've even started scratching at my arms, I know not to cut, not after a serious accident a few years back taught me what cutting can do to a person. But I want to hurt myself, maybe just to escape from it all, all my sadness. The pain could be a way of releasing myself...


What am I saying? This isn't me! Or is it? I don't know anymore, I'm so used to acting fake I don't know myself anymore.

And you know why I feel all this, because I'm lonely, plain simple, like I said before, I need someone who understands and will be there for me to lean on.

My boyfriend tries to understand, well not really, but when he see's me upset he gives me a goofy smile and lets me gaze into his blue eyes that I fell in love with so long ago and still love. But I can't tell him all this, he wouldn't understand, he's always busy with everyone else, I feel like a shadow, like I'm just in the way.


I know I'm making no sense here, I just needed to vent.

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Your off STRAIGHT to a counseller, because that's a person who you can trust,and has time to listen to you. You know you shouldn't make your heart a murder hole and STOP self-harm, because it only suppresses the symptoms of your problems, but DOESNT solve them. You need to re-direct that energy and invest it into solving your problems. Stop faking, you need to start believe,love and support yourself, then you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, i warn you however you are in a vulnurable situation. SEEK help! Again don't make your heart a murder hole.

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You know?, I used to have a fake personality when I was a teen, I didn't want people to think I was weird, I feared rejection terribly and now I wish I had been myself because it wouldn't have mattered much if I didn't have a crowd to share lunchtime with.


But it's difficult to be understood by friends or family, whatever you feel it's just difficult to find people who will know exactly what's going on, and I think it's okay as long as you do understand yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, sad, etc.


You say you already have a friend and believe me that's all you need, but that doesn't mean you can let yourself go, just make sure all your needs are met, friendship, time alone, ways to express how you are feeling instead of denying it. There must be a reason for your sadness, find it, then work on it but never ever act like it's not there, it's a part of you the one trying to tell you something, pay attention to it.


You are a valuable person, don't hide it, don't fight it, you are YOU for a reason, you are special, unique, look after yourself, others do appreciate you, your friends and family do love you but you need to love yourself too, your feelings matter.

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