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i have been suicidely depressed since i was 6. i was medicated for 7 months but after i started hearing voices and vomiting daily i was taken off prozac. when i was 7-9 i ran away from school 4 or 5 times 1 time for 5 hours saying that i was going to go home to commit suicide. when i was in highschool i stayed home atleast 2 days a week and walked around literally in a haze of depression. this is where i met my wife, it was love at first sight, we have been together for 5 years and married for 2. for the longest time she has been attracted to women. i , being a man and pretty sensative yet levelheaded, have encouraged her to explore this side of her because i can't and don't satisfy her. she currently doesn't work but i make more than enough money for the 2 of us. she has always had many emotional issues and takes medication for anxiety. its hard to live with her sometimes but i like her alot as a person. she is my best friend. we have a great dog and nice things.

my problem is i have nothing to live for. i don't spend money on myself, i dont do anything fun that lasts more than an hour or so and its only maybe once a month. i work out 3 times a week but i don't really feel like it anymore. the thing i hate about depression is that you can never emulate the feeling of love or happiness when you are depressed and i have been depressed for so long i just want it to end. i am sick and tired of going back and forth on everything. i feel right now like i should break up with my wife


off topic: (i really hope you don't judge me on this but right now i feel like just hitting her right in the face) (and for anyone that thinks thats messed up right now i am sitting here with a black eye from my wife who hit me on purpose and not out of self defense, i forgave her for it and it has nothing to do with my issue)


if i do that though then i have to break up with her otherwise i am just screwing up her emotions and messing with our relationship.


anyways, my life is going smoothely, yet i wish i could just dissappear into the crevase in between the wall and my bed. i wish the cold night air would just envelope me and take me away.


thank you for listining to me talk about my life. it makes me feel a little better to know that maybe out there someone understands and is sitting there, saying to themselves, "yep, i've been there"

and hooray to all those people living with depression.




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Hi Hazzardusab,


Welcome to eNotAlone!


Being depressed like that at age 6 is unusual. What happened to you, what made you depressed?


It seems that while still depressed you quickly attached to a woman with her own deep and unresolved issues. Being in love can be a good anti-depressant. However quick-attachment is unwise as I learned from my own experiences.


You wife is violent. Please read link removed and let us know how she matches up. At the bottom of that article is a link on why you may attach to her.

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