Jump to content

has anyone gone through this?


radiotone
 Share

Recommended Posts

i've been with my girlfriend for 5 months. i love her, i admit it. there's a lot of things about her that i cherish and adore. but she's a really independent person. she doesn't like feeling 'trapped' or held back by relationships. she loves me and she feels the same way. i know she does. but i'm worried about the road ahead of us. i've been dealing with jealousy and intimidation i get from her and her guy friends. she's been helping me overcome it and i have been. lately we've been having fights about how our personalitys conflict on a social status. she's very flirty and will flirt with someone to get to know them. she loves meeting new people and learning about them and networking. i have no problem with this at all. it's just i feel sometimes she forgets she's in a relationship with me. she would go on about a guy she sometimes sees at work and how she wants to be friends with him because he seems mysterious, intelligent and well-spoken. she would also make me feel very guilty, assuming i want to control what she does and control what i want her to do. she gets criticized a lot by people and she feels that she does.

 

i trust that she won't ever cheat on me and will never let anything happen, it's just i still haven't gotten used to her personality. i was upset by the way she immediately invited the guy she met for a cup of coffee. it was jealousy at first but it still bothered me somehow. i suppose it was the way she put it, it felt like she was out looking for someone better than me. i talked about this with her and she understands how i feel. and she apologized for accusing me of trying to control her.

 

i would let her do anything to make her happy. i would never tell her not to do something. but i would tell her if something made me uncomfortable. it's just me. i have never been with someone who is as open or flirty as she is. i love her and i really want to 'fight' for her. i'll do anything and i want us to get to that point in our relationship where we both feel comfortable about each other.

 

i'm willing to go through anything and will do anything..

i'm just a little scared..

 

thank you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like a pretty hefty compatibility issue to overcome. Do you think you can handle this sort of behavior indefinitely?

 

If she's not willing to curttail her flirtiness, perhaps you should find a new girlfriend. I'm not saying she's wrong for acting like she does, but you shouldn't have to keep compromising your own comfort level in order to accommodate her whims. It's not "just you," it's you and her together.

 

You can't change your wiring, she can't change hers. Neither of you should have to. You just have to decide for yourself whether or not you can tolerate this aspect of her personality. If not, she's not the right woman for you, plain and simple, and you need to move on to someone less outgoing.

 

On a personal note, if a guy I was dating exclusively asked chicks out for coffee because they seemed "mysterious and interesting," I'd punch him in the nose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have and I feel your pain. It flippin' sucks.

 

My ex would do the same thing. I flirted too. However, I DID NOT do it in her presense. She DID! She would comment on someone else's abs, while I was there. Blow a kiss to a friend of ours. Talk specifically to other guys, when I was there and NOT talk to me. Think I would say something out of line, but when someone else said something similar, it would be funny. She would need to sit when we went dancing but then immediately dance with someone else.

 

So, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! It is not jealousy, at least it wasn't for me. I did not care if she went dancing with her sisters. I did not care if she went to a strip club with her friends. I did not even care if she flirted.

 

If she is in my presense, it is a whole different story. You cannot just hurt someone like that. I went out to speak with an ex GF that had shown up at my place AND was telling her to leave and my ex got all pissy and started holding hands with a friend of mine, that was at my house at the time. Can you get any more childish than that?

 

So, here is what I believe. What she is doing is not 100% right. However, she should be allowed to have guy friends, as you should be allowed girl friends. There is a time to draw the line though. Saying someone is mysterious and other things is far different than just having a friendly cup of coffee. She could invite you, couldn't she?

 

It sounds as if she will at least talk with you about it, so that is a good start. So, I must ask, are you jealous? Sometimes we start out not being jealous, but childish SOs can push us in that direction. It will be hard to find a balance of feeling loved and secure with yourself and letting her have her freedom.

 

My ex was VERY outgoing. She LOVED the attention. She was the eldest of 6 kids and took care of them all. Her dad got married late, so she had to take care of him for a while, as well. I think she NEEDED the attention. I think she CRAVED it. Hell, I was heavy and when I got skinny and in shape, a lot of girls at our work were chasing me, so I know how it feels. However, it has to be tempered with care.

 

If you are with someone, you should never make them feel like they are not worth anything! That is not what love is.

 

PM if you want dude, 'cause I know how you feel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just my $0.02 but, you should not even be feeling like you have to "fight" for her, that shows me right there that there is a big imbalance between the two of you. And it does scare me that you would be willing to go through anything and will do anything...because that is typical "white knight" talk, and it's not your job to do anything but accept her as she is, and she accept you as you are.

 

I don't think it is at all out of line to ask that she respects your feelings about her other relationships. I have friendships with men too...but not because they are "mysterious and intelligent" and I choose to pursue that...if she really said that to you, I find that VERY odd. Sorry, but if my boyfriend ever said something like that, it would be a major red flag as to the strength of their commitment to me. If your gut is telling you they are looking for something "better" - chances are there is something to that feeling.

 

I think in every relationship there are personal boundaries and "rules" on what is respectable or not. For example about her inviting some guy she just met for coffee...not just a "jealousy" issue but also a safety issue. You should let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable and worried about her safety.

 

I also wonder about that whole intimidation you get from her guy friends...if they are purposely interfering..they are not friends.

 

Look, I am pretty social too and enjoy meeting new people. I am friendly, though I would not say I am intentionally flirty. There are boundaries of respect for my partner and his feelings as well as for my relationship. You need to talk about these, and establish those BEFORE they are broken in my opinion.

 

I think we ALL should retain our individuality and personhood whether in or out of a relationship, but that does not mean at the expense of are partners feelings...and it also does not mean one person sacrificing what they are comfortable with because their partner is "not one to be held back".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

there's a fine line between friendship. Why do people critize her alot? that's not helpful to her self-esteem.

 

If she is going out for coffee with someone she met just from networking ,it's fine for business or whatever. My sister is sort of like your gf, she's very busy, meets alot of people and does have a tendency to flirt with new people ( just the way she is). She also has dinners or lunches with business people and guys. She does have a bf, but her bf isn't a jeolous type and trusts her b/c she won't go off and cheat , it's more like a business relationship. But she doesn't make those comments about wanting to know guys etc..

 

So tell your gf that you don't mind her meeting new people but just that you rather not hear about what excites her of wanting to meet new guy b/c it makes you feel sad even though she doesn't mean it.

 

or tell her flirting can mislead people. There's a fine line of being nice and overly too nice to people. She'll have to learn!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...