When Dating Turns More Serious ... BF/GF Status? Date Other People?

[acb_22]

Question: Until you have the conversation ... "I want to date you exclusively" ... or something to that effect ... is it kind of understood that dating other people is accepted?

 

Scenario: I've been dating someone for about 1 1/2 months now ... it's a semi-long distance relationship ... she's about 1hr and 30 minutes away from me, approximately 70 miles each way. We only see each other on the weekends ... either she will come see me, or I will come see her. We haven't had 'the talk' yet ... I really like her a lot, spending time with her, etc. From a physical standpoint, things have gotten kind of serious ... however, distance is obviously a factor ... and I was thinking about dating other people as well that lived a little closer to me ...

 

Question: Should I tell her I'm interested in dating other people? Should I wait until she brings it up? Is it understood from a female perspective that until you have the formal talk indicating bf/gf status, that you are essentially free to date others?

 

Thank you in advance,

ACB

[Scout]

Question: Until you have the conversation ... "I want to date you exclusively" ... or something to that effect ... is it kind of understood that dating other people is accepted?

 

In my book, yeah. That being said, just because it's "understood" doesn't mean I'll necessarily act on if I've met someone I really like and have the sense that it's moving towards exclusivity.

[acb_22]

Scout: So, if you've met someone, and you feel as though the relationship is moving forward, you will avoid asking the question re: exclusivity altogether? At what point in your past relationships have you had the conversation? At what point in your past relationships do you start to feel the fork in the road ... is this relationship moving forward? 1 month mark? 3 month mark? 6 month mark?

 

Thanks!

[RayKay]

I think until you have discussed being exclusive, you are both entitled to date others. That does not mean I will be DOING it, because if I am really smitten, I usually won't....but it does mean there are no expectations on either side that we aren't also dating others.

 

But, I won't be sexually active with more than one (the one I am REALLY into!)...and generally that would be once we decided to be exclusive (which sometimes happens early on, sometimes later).

[acb_22]

RayKay et al: In a female's mind, does sleeping with someone define exclusivity in your minds? Obviously ... I don't want to be sleeping around ... but at the same time, I want to find some right for me ... and you can only do that by dating other people ... and seeing what, if any prospects there might be for a future ...

 

I'm really interested in the feedback I've received thus far ... thanks!

[RayKay]

Well, no it does not "define" it for me....exclusivity is more about the emotional commitment with or without the sex aspect.

 

I don't have sex hoping for a commitment!

 

Sex is very important to me in a relationship, and I need all those aspects there (emotional, physical, mental) to be there to want to be exclusive with someone and take it further.

 

When I was younger, I was probably less picky, but when I started looking for the "life partner" I becames a little more "picky" about whom I would be exclusive with.

[Day_Walker]

At this point it would seem that since you are just dating that it is implied that you are dating other people or that she is. This does not mean that either of you is actually dating other people but it is understandable at this point. However you never really know how certain people will respond to that because they will buy more into a situation than you think.

[Goodfun88]

So you are dating a women and you want to date other people? So you don't see yourself being with her in the long term? You are looking for someone to be with long term, but she's not it? I guess if you are not exclusive feel free to date. But at the same time, wouldn't it be fair to let her know that? What if she is developing feelings for you? Never think that anything is understood or expected to be understood. Make yourself clear and be open with what you want and what you are looking for, then you won't find yourself feeling sneaky or guilty.

[acb_22]

I definitely don't want to be sneaky, or go behind her back ... I was just curious how others define relationships, etc. It's not that I don't see myself with her in the long run ... it's just I'm unsure right now. Having only dated her for 1 1/2 months ... only seeing her on the weekends ... emailing/calling several times per week ...

 

I'm just used to spending more time with someone ... not just on the weekends. I can't think of the old saying ... and while it doesn't really work in this situation ... let me try and use an analogy:

 

When someone gets their heart broken, there's the saying (and I'm going to have to paraphrase, since I don't remember it fully) that we often stare at the closed door for too long ... not realizing what other doors are being opened around us. Something to that effect. I like her a lot, I enjoy spending time with her ... but at the same time, I want to look at other opportunities, and other people to see if we're a good fit.

 

I hope that makes sense ... I'm not a player, I'm not any of that ... and I've never actually dated more than one person at a time ... and the opportunity has presented itself in recent days ... I don't want to feel guilty ... about doing this behind her back ... but at the same time, I think it may be too premature in our 'dating stage' to discuss exclusivity, etc.

 

Again - your thoughts are VERY enthralling ... and I'm actually learning a lot from a female's perspective. I'm glad so many of you (so far) have decided to respond!!

[Goodfun88]

I understand you're not wanting to be sneaky. I just wonder how well you can get to know someone, if you are spending time getting to know other people. I understand people date around, but for me, its so hard, once I start getting to know someone, I really don't want to see other people (I call this tunnel vision). For me, if I was wanting to see someone else, that would tell me, hey maybe the person I'm seeing isn't my type, or there isn't much chemistry. Thats all for you to decide though. As long as you are open and honest if the question ever comes up, your not doing anything wrong. I would just wonder if you really did like this woman, would you really want to see what else was out there?

[acb_22]

I would just wonder if you really did like this woman, would you really want to see what else was out there?

 

You bring up a valid point; and like I mentioned previously ... I've NEVER dated more than one person at a time. Just for some background on me ... for the past 8+ years of my life, I've been in 2 long term relationships. One for 6 years, the other for 2 years ... I was pretty shaken after both breakups ... and I guess you could say I'm a little more cautious now.

 

I want to do what is right ... but at the same time, I'm not getting any younger. I just don't want to get 'one-itus' and focus ALL of my attention on a single person ... especially when it's still so early in the dating cycle. What if someone is interested in me ... that could be perfect for me ... but I say no to them? I feel like everything happens for a reason ... and I just want to ensure that I stay open to any and all possibilities that present themselves.

 

I can understand if we've been dating for 6+ months ... but at the

 

Thanks for the input ... you all are really making me think ... which is a good thing!!

 

ACB

[rose2summer]

Hey acb,

 

I would discuss with her that you are interested in dating others,

 

If you are truly indeed heading in that direction,

 

And like others suggested, avoid having sexual intimacy,

 

Until you have chosen 1 person you want to enter a relationship with,

 

You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not being open about what you want/desire.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[Scout]

Scout: So, if you've met someone, and you feel as though the relationship is moving forward, you will avoid asking the question re: exclusivity altogether? At what point in your past relationships have you had the conversation? At what point in your past relationships do you start to feel the fork in the road ... is this relationship moving forward? 1 month mark? 3 month mark? 6 month mark?

 

Thanks!

 

Hmmm...in my last relationship, that talk never even had to come up. It was pretty much understood when we started saying "I love you" to each other. And that happened within just a few weeks of being together. I realize that's very soon, so not sure I would recommend using a few weeks as a benchmark. Anyway, I was the first one to say, "I love you." And that was a first for me - I'd always waited for the guy to say it first.

 

In another relationship, the guy brought up the issue of exclusivity about a month into the relationship. He was very direct, he said, "I think we should be exclusive."

 

To be honest, most of my relationships have never lasted beyond a year, and usually well below that. Sad to say, they seem to burn very bright very soon in the beginning, and then burn themselves out fairly quickly once humanity rears its ugly head, sigh. So, the whole waiting for three months, six months, etc. to have "the talk" isn't something I've experienced. It happens a lot sooner than that, usually.