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Why does it hurt?


dreynolds
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When even though you know someone is not right for you -

That there are issues/baggage there that you don't need in your life -

and you know you're better off finding someone a million times better...

you still hurt?

 

I sit here at work knowing she started work at a certain time this morning. I know her routine - what she's doign right now - thinking she's there laughing and having a great time, talking about the awesome weekend she just had...when I'm sitting here torturing myself that she is actually doing the above, not caring or thinking about me the way I am her.

 

It has nothing to do with experience/dating that gets you used to rejection and dealing with these feelings - i know from experience. I actually think each time it gets harder. Sure - in this past situation, things rushed, they moved fast - and I moved fast with them because it felt right - it didn't feel wrong! Now - I just feel stupid - and my self esteem is low - feeling worthless...but I know I'm not....and that makes me angry of course, that someone "like her" can make me feel this way.

 

What a roller coaster of emotions!!!!

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Which is totally the truth - and it's where I end up in time.....but i'm tired of it always taking THAT time. It's been over a week now - enough already - but i'll wake up at night with this fear, then get pissed off at myself for feeling that way. WHy can't I get it thorugh my head/heart - just enough already - you've been there/done this before - you know it means nothing....but it doesn't sink in!

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Sometimes you are pained by the failure of a hope... a hope for a future together. Even though they leave, even though it may be a good thing and you recognize that, the pain of losing someone/something you place your hopes and energy into lingers.

 

Don't beat yourself up for not feeling how you *think* you should feel. You feel the way you do. Recognize that you didn't just lose someone... you lost a lot more than that... let yourself grieve over broken expectations.

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And I do think about that - think about the things she told me, about how I was such a great guy, the last great guy left and I was hers....how in the past, nobody cared about what she wanted, what she felt...I thought it was strange.... But then thinking of all that - it bothers me to think that she woudl throw all that away, something good we had - to end up with some other guy who treats her like WHO KNOWS....and yet she will stay, and work on it, and care.....but for me, I'm not worth even calling or contacting - just toss me away like I was nothing.

 

Of course, these are her issues - not mine - i'm only trying to work through my feelings right now.

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I can't help that - I'm thinking ALL THE TIME - even in my sleep. It's a horrible thing - when your brain is working nonstop - I can't read, watch TV, go for a walk, work out, do anything without my conscious or subconsious mind working away on "WHAT HAPPENED" and "WHY?"....

 

Then that gets me angry because I think how she's on with her life - and I'm letting her do this to me....who needs her....like I said, emotional roller coaster ride.

 

I'm still in shock she hasn't bothered to call or email the past week - nothing at all. I wonder if I'll ever hear from her - if I want to hear from her - it's really a confusing bunch of emotions.

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Trust me... I know *exactly* what you mean. I suffer from the same thing. You need to give your brain a break sometimes otherwise you just keep going in circles. Find an activity that allows you to focus elsewhere... like riding a bike, or shooting cups with rubber bands, or juggling.

 

It's good that you are trying to focus on your emotions. Try sitting down and just listing out your emotions... but not why you feel them, just what they are. Then, look at each one... think about that emotion. Again... not getting to the causes. How does it feel, how strong is it, do you feel it often... etc. Just feel it.. own it.. it's yours and no one can give it to you or take it away... Then, if it seems like one you'd like to keep, hang on to it... if it seems like something that you think is negative, that you don't like, thank it and then let it go...

 

It's just a little exercise I go through sometimes. Works well to help me when I am spending more time thinking about why I feel a certain way instead of just owning the fact that I feel it and it doesn't really matter why, because I usually already know

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I understand how you feel. I felt the same years ago. It's very hard to cope with but believe it or not, you will feel better. I know many people must have told you that you will feel better but you don't know how could that be possible. Time will heal. Find something to do. Turn off your phone so you don't have to wonder if she will phone you or not. Don't worry that if you turn off the phone she couldn't reach you. If she really wants, she will find the way. And think about this, you said you're a great guy and you care for her so much. If you have done your best in your relationship with her, you have nothing to sorry about. If you know you can't do any better than what you have been doing, let it go and one day you will find someone who truly appreciate in you.

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Trying to keep my mind off of things - keep myself busy. I have tried to sort out my emotions/feelings. Last night before I went to bed - I wrote out a list of the things that crossed my mind when we were together - things that bothered me on some level.

 

I know it will get better - it always has in the past. I think back over my past relationships and the hell I went through beating myself up over those - and yet I know then I was thinking "But she wasn't this person"...and I'm doing this now again.

 

I did nothing to deserve being treated the way I did - but I don't know what is going on in her head. I remember when I first told my mother about her - I said "this one has a heart of gold" - adn I totally believe that....but now, I see she had a good act going, a good front - because you can't have a "heart ofo gold" and then act that way, treat people that way, be able to feel one thing one moment and then completely walk away from it the next.

 

Time heals all wounds - it has in the past - it will again this time - i just wish it didn't take so long!

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I know exactly how you are feeling. I feel the same way. The guy who broke my heart seemed like a really nice, caring guy. He seemed kind, compassionate and would go out of his way to do things for people. Four years later I realize now that it was a front. On the surface he was good and kind the way a politician is good and kind....shakes hands with people, holds babies...just to get elected...but once elected, their true colours come out. The guy who broke my heart was like this. Very successful, well-liked by people, knew exactly what to do to rise up the ladder to success both professionally and personally. The problem is, it was only skin deep and the core was rotten. He used people for his purposes, knew what buttons to push. Given the way he ultimately treated me, I wonder how many people he stabbed in the back on the way up. I used to think he was so nice, but I was taken in like everyone else. Others don't see the real him, but I got to see beneath the surface and just how ruthless he is. He hides it so well from the rest of the world.

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There are all sorts out there, huh? I guess some of us attract them or chase them down - others know better. I don't know what to say other than yes - I do need a hug!

 

I miss her - correction - I miss the idea of her. I miss having someone I thought she was in my life....

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Dude, my family told me for years to ditch her. I knew for a while, that something was wrong. From the beginning, you just don't treat someone you love that way.

 

Talking to others but not me. Saying it was hard to talk to someone she loved. Huh? Forgetting my birthday. Putting me on the back burner for everything. Forgetting me at Christmas. One year, she gave me a box of stale cookies. Yep, you read that right, STALE COOKIES (in a box that looked like it came from the 99 cent store).

 

Ya think I would have learned. Look, it happens to a lot of us. We see what we want to see. I read that there are 2 things to do to realize if the things you do or say with your ex are ok, I believe this applys to a relationship also.

 

1. Ask yourself when you are with her, "Who is controlling my life, when I am with her?"

 

2. If I saw a friend going through this, what would I tell him?

 

It kind of puts it into perspective. Now, if I can just put it into action.

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Yes - I do agree with your comments....and when her and I had that talk that day, I agreed with her that something was missing. I agreed there was - but what I don't understand is how from one week to the next it could change so drastically for her.

 

I explained to her that I didn't want to be in a one sided relationship - and that if she didn't say something or explain what was going on, I would have said something in a few days because I couldn't believe how she was acting and treating me. She said nothing in return when I voiced how hurt I was the way she treated me at her family BBQ - she was the only one there that made me feel unwelcome.

 

She never controlled my life - when we were together. She would go that extra mile with everything which I thought was showing me how great things were with us. Making a surprise picnic, rushing to my house to make me a special dinner, talking about the special day she had planned for my birthday - it all felt nice, nice with her. Then - poof - "I'm scared, I'm confused - something is missing, I think I just have cold feet - will probably feel differently next week - I'm emotionally all over the place" and then gone...never to be heard from again.

 

Ahhhh - so annoying.

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