Desperate for advice please ..

[gur]

My wife of 12 years is now saying that she is not fulfilled sexually ... She never seemed to have much drive and I had suggested using aphrodisiacs or seeing a doctor, but she was too shy. We did have some great sex - and she had really come out of her shell for the past one year or so.

 

It turns out now that she is not attracted to me sexually at all. She loves me, but in every other way. She says she has realized that we have no sexual chemistry, and that is very important to her. She is even considering a separation and an "emotional divorce" and says that she wants to be fulfilled sexually and if I am not the one, then maybe some one else.

 

She has also admitted that she is probably in love with a guy from work, and she does feel the "sexual chemistry" with him, although she has never really become physical with him yet. He also has feelings for her and has admited it to her.

 

The positives for me:

 

She still loves me and would not really want to hurt me.

She would not want to break up our family of 2 kids.

There is a lot of bonding between families- her parents and my parents would be absolutely heart broken if there was a break up, and my wife is usually very, very considerate and affectionate. She always tries to do the "right" thing.

She says she wants to feel the "need to" jump into bed with me - the desire.

 

The negatives:

 

I have tried very passionate foreplay, setting the atmosphere with music etc.

and she still says it did not set her bells ringing.

I have suggested seeing a marriage counselor and/or sex therapist and she is against it.

I have been devastated ever since she suggested "emotional divorce" two / months ago and have have been on an emotional roller coaster. I am now on Zoloft for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression.

 

The zoloft is not helping nowa days - I am still waking up sweating in the midle of the night and cant sleep for more than a few hours on most days.

 

I should also mention that my wife has a mind and will of steel. If she were to ever see a shrink, she would be the most challenging patient ever.

 

I apologize for the long post but appreciate any help with this.

[monkey1]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's clear you're not happy with the situation and she's unhappy in regards to sex. What does she want to do? Just be separated from you, but wants to have an affair?

 

Have you considered going to therapy on your own? That would probably help you a bit to sort out your own feelings and then you could try to invite her. I find it sad when I read stories on here that are similar to your situation when they have tried to come up with possible solutions, but their partner is unwilling/refusing to go to any counseling.

 

It's always more complicated when children and family are involved.

[gur]

Thanks Monkey1 - I am trying to find out about Counseling in my area. I intend to call and find out - Is there any sourcefor good counselors?

[monkey1]

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You can start there to see who's in your area. You can always check with your health insurance since counseling can be covered. They can give you references to who you can contact. Maybe even ask your doctor who they can recommend.

 

I'd assume that your doctor was the one who told you to get on Zoloft? I don't know what the side effects are of that drug, but you may want to talk to your doctor about it and see if you can find another drug that would help you better. Clearly this isn't my area, but I'm sure other folks on here could assist you more.

[gur]

Thanks again - I am looking it up. I will try and get to one as soon as I can.