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Drama, drama, drama! What do you think?


aymee_lee
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Ok, I'm just looking for some opinions on this one, let me know what you think!

 

My issue regards one of my friends. We have been friends since Year 8 (10 years). We were close in high school, but she wasn't my best friend if you know what I mean. We have been in contact every now and then since high school finished (6 years ago) but over the last 6 months or so we have again become quite close. This is a result of having a mutual friend (also from high school) who we both hung out with so we became good friends through that. Now, that friend has moved so we are even closer. She also works with my bf so we are always at their work functions together.

 

Let me say I love this girl, she is great, but at times she can get a bit dramatic. I don't really know how else to describe it except to say that when something happens that I think is kinda minor, she can get upset about it, crying etc. For example, if a guy she likes doens't call her or, or something, she then spends our whole night out analysing it and saying she's not good enough etc. She also always says stuff like 'You're so much prettier than me, guys always like you' etc (When really I think guys just like the fact that I'll have a nice chat to them without anything awkward being said; see below). This can be really draining, as I am a farily upbeat sort of person, and try not to sweat the small stuff, but I try to support her as best I can because I believe that even though something might seem minor to you, it can be very important to another person.

 

She was dating a guy in high school and they stayed together for 6 years. She always said she was 'never 100% sure' if he was the one (even after all that time!) however, when he proposed after 6 years she said yes. A week after the engagement party, she slept with someone else. She also slept with someone lese while they were on a 'break' (hello, Ross and Rachel I don't judge her, she's my friend and she knows she made some mistakes. They obviously ended up breaking up, which believe me, I know is hard, regardless of the circumstances. The ex still doesn't know she cheated.

 

They have been broken up for about 3 months and this is my main issue; she just won't let it go, not even a little bit, and any person (stupid enough!) to ask her anyhting about it (say we're out and someone we're talking to asks if she has a bf) gets a very bitter 'WELL, I WAS engaged but now I'm NOT, and I had to move out and now he has another gf'. The reaction from these people is generally severe uncomfortableness. I'm not suggesting she shouldn't be able to be honset but she doesn't realise that she sounds a little insane. I've actually had people say to me afterwards 'Oh my gosh, what's up with your friend? I was just making converstaion and she made me feel so uncomfortbale I didn't know what to say.' Yet she has no idea it makes people feel this way. I've kind of jokingly sai to her, 'not your best story ha ha' but she still does it. She even says it like that to guys she's trying to 'chat up'. I think she expects a lot of sympathy, but most people are just scared off and, right or wrong, they don't have a lot of sympathy, especailly when they find out it happened over 3 months ago. (Not that she should be 'over it' but still, she's pretty bitter, considering it was her decision).

 

The hardest part is, she gets all teary about it and expects sympathy from me, which I do my best to provide but not only did SHE break up with HIM, she also cheated on him!

 

Am I being unreasonable to find this tiring? Am I also being horrible to wish she would stop with the story? I'm not going to end the friendship or anything like that, I just wondered what others thought. Any thoughts?

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End the friendship, at least i would. I'd get tired of the drama crap real fast. It's superfluous conspicious shows of emotion that are only really meant to get more attention for her.

 

I had the drama thing happen to me with my Gf, and a friend of hers, and a friend of a friend of hers. She just started crying for no reason and screamed at my gf for some inane comment she made weeks ago that was already resolved.

Whole restaurant looked at us like we were having a gun battle.

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Hi Aymee Lee,

 

I can so sympathise!I've had friends like that in the past, and it's exhausting. I wouldn't just cut her off - maybe be upfront about it?

 

When a friend of mine was doing pretty much what your friend was doing, I was quite firm after the first few months. I said that she could have half an hour of a pity party when we met, then I wasn't going to discuss it. Made it a sort of a joke, that I was cutting her off on that topic. It kind of worked, by being firm but jokey about it. It was better than just cutting her loose, and we worked through it.

 

On the other hand, I did have another incredibly demanding and emotional friend, who I cared for a lot. But she was so overwhelming and needed so much from me, that the only thing that worked in the end was for me to cut her out of my life. That was painful, but also a relief. Friendship is a tricky business, because you should be loyal and well, a friend! But also you cannot be emotionally drained by a friend, not constantly.

 

Maybe give her the heads-up that this is going through your mind - that the constant drama means you are thinking you don't want to be around her? You sound very thoughtful, I hope it works out for you!

 

Good luck.

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Aymee Lee,

 

It sounds like you are being a good friend to her and I commend you for that. I definitely agree with what Honey Pumpkin said, that you should stick by her. I think the firm but jokey approach will work. You can try to make a sort of game of it. Let her know when you go to meet up somewhere. Ok, I only want to talk about (Let's say Steve) for 10 minutes, but then I don't want to hear the 'S-word' all night. And if she brings it up around others...you'll remind her about the S-word...

 

Most likely your friend is very confused right now, and doesn't realize how her venting comes accross to strangers. She's looking for sympathy.

 

I have a friend that does that too. And its not just about her man problems, but about pretty much everything. I mean she can spend 20 minutes telling these guys we just met all about the horrors of how hard it was for her to mow her lawn this morning. And meanwhile I may have mowed my lawn that day too, but you didn't hear me complain endlessly about it...not that anyone else at the table can get a word in edgewise....

 

That said, if you try, and things don't improve then you may have to cut her off as a liability.

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On the one hand I'm thinking that it has been only three months since she broke up with her former partner of six years. That kind of a breakup is hard on anyone, we all grieve in different ways, and three months isn't enough time to get over that kind of a relationship for most people.

 

That being said, if she applies the same kind of unnecessary dramatics to many other things as well, I can understand how it would be emotionally draining on you.

 

I think you have been given some good advice so far, but only you are in the position to know what's best to implement. Hopefully telling her that you are just plain tired of hearing about it (with whatever degree of firmness you deem appropriate) will do the trick. However, if your attempts to get her to stop trying to get sympathy fail then by all means end the friendship and don't feel guilty about it. Her happiness is her responsibility, and if she wants to create situations that make her unhappy so she can mope about it and tell other people for sympathy - that's on her.

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Hey. It is draining. And when you're out it can scare off people from you also because they might think if this is her friend how "crazy" is she than?

 

Now about your friend:

1,. First she's insecure. That can be draining because you can't have fun while she's constantly being uptight and not relaxed because of her insecurtiy.

2. the reason she hasn't get over her ex is because she did broke up with him but :

still doesn't know if this was the right decision

is insecure and has no idea can she get another bf

she feals gulilty because she cheated on him.

 

I suggest you to tell her honestly that she should stop saying that to people - about her engagements. that she sounds crazy and that no one will date her and that she scares even guys who would like to date you.

 

I think the real wake up call would be if someone of all those people she said this story to would say to her: Well I feel sorry for you but I think we kind of don't know eachother too good so I guess you sharing that story with me is inappropriate.

I would tell that to her if I was the one who heard that story. I hate it when people are so passive aggressive and are seeking for attention. If you can get someone you know to tell her that ... great!

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I think maybe you should suggest she go to counseling to deal with the breakup. maybe that may help her get a grip on her emotions. It really sounds like she is going back and second-guessing everything.

 

I don't know - maybe you can explain it to her gently? It is like when you see someone in the hallway, and they say, "How are you?" and you say "fine." It's a question in which an honest answer is not expected. If someone stopped and said, "well, my cat is sick, and I lost my car keys", well... people would just feel uncomfortable right away.

 

It is really the same with the boyfriend question - no one wants to hear the life story. she is not at a counselor's office. People are either looking for, "yup, I'm single!" or "i've been with my boyfriend for x years."

 

that is why I would suggest her going into counseling. someone she can tell this to and not make them feel uncomfortable, because it is their job.

 

good luck

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that she sounds crazy and that no one will date her and that she scares even guys who would like to date you.

 

That's exactly what it's like with my friend I was describing above. This has actually happened. We met two guys. The come sit by us. One I think is cute and he sits by me. But she starts hogging and monopolizing the entire conversation for the entire night, talking all about her problems, (and by the way she has a very loud voice, too). And none of the rest of us can get to know each other, nor have any fun, because it's all about her pity party.

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Now about your friend:

1,. First she's insecure. That can be draining because you can't have fun while she's constantly being uptight and not relaxed because of her insecurtiy.

2. the reason she hasn't get over her ex is because she did broke up with him but :

still doesn't know if this was the right decision

is insecure and has no idea can she get another bf

she feals gulilty because she cheated on him.

 

This is absolutely spot on!

She has this silly idea that she's never going to get another bf and says things like 'maybe (ex bf) was the best I could ever do, and even though I wasn't happy with him maybe I should've stayed rather than be alone forever.'

 

And she definetley feels guilty about the cheating too.

 

A few of you mentioned that her attitide might affect my chances of meeting guys which is probably true but as I said in my original post, she works with my bf. I have a BF! and she is still whining that 'guys like you better than me' when it makes little difference as I'm obviously not interested.

 

Anyway, besides all that, I just wanted to say that I am really grateful for the advice. You have all made me feel a lot better about the situation as I was feeling really guilty about my feelings. At this stage I'll probably see how things go in the near future but if they remain the same I'm going to have to say something. More for her benifit than mine really. She's a good person, I just don't think she's showing her best side at the moment!

 

Cheers, Amy xoxo

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Syrix said

 

Now about your friend:

1,. First she's insecure. That can be draining because you can't have fun while she's constantly being uptight and not relaxed because of her insecurtiy.

2. the reason she hasn't get over her ex is because she did broke up with him but :

still doesn't know if this was the right decision

is insecure and has no idea can she get another bf

she feals gulilty because she cheated on him.

 

This is absolutely spot on!

 

She has this silly idea that she's never going to get another bf and says things like 'maybe (ex bf) was the best I could ever do, and even though I wasn't happy with him maybe I should've stayed rather than be alone forever.'

 

And she definitely feels guilty about the cheating too.

 

A few of you mentioned that her attitide might affect my chances of meeting guys which is probably true but as I said in my original post, she works with my bf. I have a BF! and she is still whining that 'guys like you better than me' when it makes little difference as I'm obviously not interested.

 

Anyway, besides all that, I just wanted to say that I am really grateful for the advice. You have all made me feel a lot better about the situation as I was feeling really guilty about my feelings. At this stage I'll probably see how things go in the near future but if they remain the same I'm going to have to say something. More for her benifit than mine really. She's a good person, I just don't think she's showing her best side at the moment!

 

Cheers, Amy xoxo

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