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In Limbo


Lostinlove27
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I'm new to the forums, and need some advice. I had a long talk today, with my boyfriend of 4 years. We've lived together for three years, talked about marriage, and I do love him with all my heart. I asked him tonight where we are in our relationship. He told me that we're not in the financial situation to get married, and he wants to give me a decent wedding..and that he's not ready for that yet. It's hard, because when I moved 1000 miles away from my home and family to be with him, it was with the knowledge that we were going to get married and have a family. He's had a lot of family issues, and I know he's trying to overcome that..but I feel like he's holding back from me..and afraid to totally commit to our relationship. We seem to be at 2 different places in our lives. I'm turning 27 shortly and he'll be 29 next month. I want the marriage and children, before I get too old to start a family..he just seems to like things the way they are, with us just living together. I want more out of life than to just be someone's girlfriend till I turn 40. Most, if not all of our friends are married and have young children. I feel like my dreams have been dashed, and I dont know if I can live with just having half of someone's heart.

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Yes he likes things as they are. He gets all the benefits of marriage without having to do anything.

 

I think what he is telling you is just an excuse. He is nearly 30 and he certainly knows whether or not you are the one after 4 years.

 

Did you tell him what you wanted?

 

Maybe you should think about moving out so he can see what life is like without you and not have the perks of marriage anymore.

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His main thing is he's felt pressured to get married. I've mentioned it before. He's spent years being put down and abused by his family. When I moved down from up north and he finally had someone on his side, he decided it was time to move out. Naturally, his parents hate me..because he grew a backbone when I got down here..and they couldn't use him anymore. Now that he's finally making his own decisions..he wants to make the marriage decision and proposal on his own time. But we've been out on our own together for almost three years, and he's ok with me just being "his girl" My worry is that it's going to be another 4 years before he finally decides he wants that commitment.

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Let's see - you don't want to be 40 and be someone's girlfriend? Sounds like a lot of the pressure you're putting on yourself has to do with friends getting married and having children. About half of my friends (including my sister) who got married in their 20's and even in their 30's (we are now in our late 30's/early 40's) are either divorced or desperately unhappy. I am not saying at all that it is a bad idea to get married - i think it is a great idea with the right person especially if you want a family - but to describe being 40 and someone's girlfriend as some kind of death knell is just silly. How would you feel if you were 40 and had never had a career or profession? Would that be ok with you? What is it about the "status" of being married that makes you so anxious to do it by age 40 or before?

 

I am not married, seriously involved with a man my age who has never been married and he is an absolute gem in every way including in his character and integrity most importantly. Hopefully we will get married. Yes it can be challenging to be single at this age - mostly because of people who think nothing of asking personal questions about my plans to get married and pregnant - when to ask a married person about the personal details of the marriage would of course be considered rude - but I would much rather be single now than going through some of the nasty divorces/unhappy marriages I have seen with their emotional and financial devastation for the couple and their children.

 

My advice - make absolutely sure you have your own identity - whether that means in your career or profession or in important interests and hobbies, etc. before you start defining your worth by whether you are married and comparing yourself to your friends (and you have no idea if they are happy, believe me - they all could be happy but you don't know).

 

As for your bf, I agree with telling him that getting married is the priority - you don't need a 5 hour party- you would rather save that $ for your future.

 

And as far as your biological clock - first, it is not ticking yet, second unless you have children you have no idea if you will be able to have children or have healthy children - hopefully you will - but to marry based on the fact that you want to have children by age 30, etc is probably not the best idea.

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Actually, there are some issues that do make having children early better. Although I was 35 when my daughter was born and we get on great, despite me being one of the older dads at her school, I see colleagues of my age whose children have grown up with a lot more financial freedom. I honestly doubt if I'll ever be able to retire and continue to keep our house.

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