I'll never date a virgin again!

[Süsser Tod]

Well, not that it is likely that I run into another anytime soon...

 

But I'll make sure I ask before I get into another relationship, if the current one comes to an end.

 

 

She said she didn't wanted to wait until marriage, and that virginity is not important to her. Not important, my behind...

 

See, she is so afraid of a pregnancy that for her to have sex, there are many conditions that have to be met, from the relationship to the economic and professional standpoints. So many requirements that they would be hard to achieve even after marriage!

 

So she said she dind't wanted to wait until marriage, but she does want to have all this requirements fullfilled that a couple would be lucky to have even after marriage...

 

Yes, I got trapped in a sexless relationship...

 

And it is FRUSTRATING!

 

 

At this point I don't want to be her first one, it even scares me. It is so much responsibility to be all what she expects from a couple for her to have sex that I don't want that responsibility.

 

I wish she had already had sex with someone else, I truly wish she weren't a virgin.

 

Now it is for me like going to a strip club. Get teased all night, don't get any. Next day, same thing, tease and more tease but no sex. And that has been like that for the past 5 months.

 

I'm getting to the point of asking her not to even try to make out, as it makes it even more frustrating, and the frustration only builds up.

 

 

I tried to explain it to her like this. Think of a relationship as a pizza with a twist. A relationship without sex is like a pizza without cheese. One good day, you get cheese on your pizza, and you love a real pizza with bread, tomato sauce and cheese!

Then you get into a different relationship, and obviously, you expect the whole deal, the pizza WITH cheese, but instead you get a cheeseless pizza. How would you feel about it?

 

Having known the real deal I thought I would be able to stand the cheeseless pizza for a while. Now I'm getting tired of it and really looking forward for a real adult relationship, with all of what a real adult relationship involves. I feel trapped in a "sweaty hand" highschool relationship.

 

 

When I'm with her, we both build up a lot of sexual energy, and sometimes there is some sort of release. Now, releasing some energy doesn't mean you're satisfied. Its like having that cheeseless pizza, yes, you may not feel hungry anymore, but wouldn't you wish you had the pizza with cheese?

 

I'm getting to a point where I might break it off with her before cheating.

[xprincessbugx]

Obviously sex is a big deal to you and if you feel that you can't wait it out then maybe you should move on.

[Süsser Tod]

Obviously sex is a big deal to you and if you feel that you can't wait it out then maybe you should move on.

 

 

To be honest, sex is a big deal for humans. I could have gone through this five years ago, when I was a virgin myself. I didn't knew better and had no trouble keeping my penis inside my pants. At this point, where I know what I'm missing, no, I don't think I can hold on for much longer.

[NJRon]

How long have you two been going out and what are these great expectations she wants fulfilled first?

[SarahRose]

It doesn't sound very good. Sounds like she has too many hangups.

[ElektraHere]

You know Susser, you have had issues with this gal. Why is it your with her? I mean really if you truly in your heart of hearts loved her then waiting will be in your cards..However, it seems like this gal has kind of roped you along the way. She has certain things that are required before she does this or that. I think she is setting the bar sooooo high you will never reach it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Time to move on and let her find a man that will view the fact that she wants to remain a virgin for now as something wonderful, honourable and commendable. There are plenty of men out there who would see her as a great catch because she is selective and not ready to be a penis receptacle for every horny man out there. Move on, there are many women out there who would be glad to oblige to fulfill your needs.

[NJRon]

penis receptacle... never thought about it that way... hmmm...

[Arrowsmith]

First of all I would try very, very hard not to get mad at her over this. Then I would explain, calming and lovingly why I didn't want to make out any more. That I'm really sorry and it's not that I don't *like* making out it's just too frustrating. Then I'd cut way back on the making out. Chaste kisses (no tongue). Hugs. That's it. It'll make you less frustrated and it will make her realize that this is actually kind of a big deal to you. And if she wants to make out with this incredibly nice, charming, calm, and frustrated guy that she has to make some kind of concession.

[Süsser Tod]

We've been a couple for 5 months. Basically she said "A pregnancy would really screw up things at this point".

 

 

Soooo....

 

That means she wants to be done with college, and have some financial security before being able to stand the risk of a pregnancy. Also she wants to be sure she'll be forever with the guy she loses her virginity.

 

OK, that means, year and a half for her to be out of university. Plus at least a couple of years for her to have a stable job and be able to afford a place. Now, here is the twist. For her to be able to afford a pregnancy, she would have to be married, or the guy to be able to help her with money. She doesn't want to be a stay at home mom, but she is afraid (with reason) that she may lose her job because of a pregnancy. Obviously, no job = no home (how would she pay the rent?), etc.

 

Plus the "forever" part, that not even after marriage is guaranteed...

 

 

So the "reason" for her not to have sex is pregnancy. Then look back to where she would like to be before taking that risk. Does that sound to you a little bit like, "I want to wait until I'm married"???

[NJRon]

Yeah... it sounds like she is not only saying that she wants to wait until marriage... but that she doesn't want to get married for another 3 or so years?

 

In that case, if you're not willing to wait that long, move on now. No sense in dragging it out and being unhappy.

[Süsser Tod]

Time to move on and let her find a man that will view the fact that she wants to remain a virgin for now as something wonderful, honourable and commendable. There are plenty of men out there who would see her as a great catch because she is selective and not ready to be a penis receptacle for every horny man out there. Move on, there are many women out there who would be glad to oblige to fulfill your needs.

 

 

Do you want her e-mail address and phone number so you can give her advise on how to keep her virginity longer? Or do you want her mail address so you can send her a greeting card?

 

Oh, and wouldn't you like my address so you can send me some dog poo?

 

Thanks, but if I were looking for some abstinency advocate I could walk to the church that is two blocks away from home, or I could go by the CatholicNet office that is on my way to work.

[Süsser Tod]

Yeah... it sounds like she is not only saying that she wants to wait until marriage... but that she doesn't want to get married for another 3 or so years?

 

In that case, if you're not willing to wait that long, move on now. No sense in dragging it out and being unhappy.

 

 

Yep, that is what I understand from all she has said. But when I confront her with that, she denies it all.

 

Even worse, from other conversations, the timeframe for her to consider marriage is more about 4 to 5 years...

 

It was something like "I won't move in with you before I've had my own place" So, that is about, year and a half before she gets out of university. Then about 6 months before she can afford her own place. We are at two years from now, if everything goes perfect, and then at least a couple of years living on her own place, and we got to the four years...

 

 

Four years from now I'll be 31, almost 32. Once I told her, maybe you're not ready for this sort of relationship, an adult relationship. And she went ranting on how the guys of her age (22) only care about getting drunk, getting high and having sex. By the way, she is an intellectual girl, almost never goes out, spends a lot of time studying, etc.

[NJRon]

You know... she's 22. She's about to go through a lot of changes. I really think you shoudl believe her at her word. She is saying she doesn't want to have sex for another 4-5 years. Is she worth waiting that long for to you?

[Süsser Tod]

You know... she's 22. She's about to go through a lot of changes. I really think you shoudl believe her at her word. She is saying she doesn't want to have sex for another 4-5 years. Is she worth waiting that long for to you?

 

Believe her at her word??? What does that mean?

 

 

Yes, I would feel like the dumbest guy on earth if after waiting for her two years, once she is done with college, finds out I'm not what she is looking for in a guy (as her perspective about life may change).

 

However, that is only speculation, it may not happen and we can end up happily married...

[ElektraHere]

Im sorry I think she is giving you all sorts of hoops to jump through. I also think she knows you will do it and that you don't want to be alone. So you are basically in a no win situation. I mean I know people hold on to their virginity and they want financial stability. But the reasoning she gives is a bit suspect.

[quietgrl]

Süsser Tod.

 

I'm a 36 year old virgin female that can relate to your girlfriend. I know you're upset about your virgin girlfriend decision to keep her virginity but please be patient.Süsser Tod it's not easy for virgin women to find men who will stand by us nonsexually.We have to deal with men trying to con us for sex.I hope you keep that in mind.

Süsser Tod you should be proud your Gf wants to become a better woman (career,education,explore new life experiences) and she's not thinking about sex,having babies, getting high and laying on her butt.

I guess you have a decision to make Süsser Tod.Wait or move on.I hope you don't try to con her into sex.Please don't.

[Cardinal]

I am not saying your gullable or anything, but I agree with Elektra here. She is playing you and getting what she wants out of the relationship. Her reasons are suspect.

 

You are not dealing with a cheeseless pizza here. You have the full pizza and every topping you would ever want. But you can't even take a bite out of the pizza.

[ElektraHere]

Süsser Tod.

 

I'm a 36 year old virgin female that can relate to your girlfriend. I know you're upset about your virgin girlfriend decision to keep her virginity but please be patient.Süsser Tod it's not easy for virgin women to find men who will stand by us nonsexually.We have to deal with men trying to con us for sex.I hope you keep that in mind.

Süsser Tod you should be proud your Gf wants to become a better woman (career,education,explore new life experiences) and she's not thinking about sex,having babies, getting high and laying on her butt.

I guess you have a decision to make Süsser Tod.Wait or move on.I hope you don't try to con her into sex.Please don't.

 

Hey Qgirl,

 

I am glad you have held on to your virginity, but I think women can better themselves and not be virgins either. I am one that does not advocate sex however, I think she is using the virginity as a hold over his head. I think she is playing him so that I wouldnt think makes for a better woman. Just my 2 cents.

[Cardinal]

You know Susser, you have had issues with this gal. Why is it your with her? I mean really if you truly in your heart of hearts loved her then waiting will be in your cards..However, it seems like this gal has kind of roped you along the way. She has certain things that are required before she does this or that. I think she is setting the bar sooooo high you will never reach it.

 

I don't know if waiting is necessarily in the cards even with true love. True love is something that for me has never ceased to exist once I have found it. I can truly say I would die for the ones I love. But relationships are also about compatibility. Just make sure you are truly happy if you decide to wait so incredibly long. Make sure you are not going from an incompatible situation to another incompatible situation.

 

Where do your intimate and sexual needs come into play here. Is she doing what she can to take into account YOUR feelings? Sure seems one sided to me.

[hosswhispra]

It doesn't sound very good. Sounds like she has too many hangups.

 

Being a virgin (and actually quite sexual person) myself, I must state that just because someone is a virgin does NOT mean they have hang-ups.

[NJRon]

Yes, I agree with Elektra. She is using sex as a carrot.

 

As for taking her at her word... what I meant is, she has told you exactly what the deal is. I don't understand what the confusion on your part is. It's a straight forward decision.

 

Are you willing to invest the next 3-4 years of your life with this girl and not have sex and let go of it entirely so you aren't holding it against her? If not, then you should cut your losses now. If you feel she is worth the wait, then do so, but work on acceptance.

 

In the end however, I don't think her reasoning is all that sound and it sounds suspect.

[Cardinal]

It is not that she is a virgin! It is that she seems to want to have power and control over him in an unhealthy way. She is stringing him along. For all intents and purposes you could remove the fact that she is a virgin and very little would change about the assessment. Her reasons for not wanting sex are suspect and a bit on the ridiculous side of things. She isn't considering his needs. It is like she is entitled to something and he isn't. I don't see equity here at all based on the evidence presented.

[hosswhispra]

SusserTodd-

 

Do you see yourself eventually marrying this girl?

 

If not, I suggest you let her go (she'll be fine, trust me on this). You'll undoubtably eventually find someone who will want to meet your sexual needs.

[AwdreeHpburn]

SuserTod -

 

I sense your anger and frustration - cos you're taking it out on some posters - but they DO have some good points.

 

Whatever one's personal opinions on abstinence aside, SHE doesn't want to have sex right now.

 

Whether or not she's leading you with a proverbial carrot or not isn't really the point, is it?

 

You want to have sex. Preferably with her, but she doesn't.

 

So, what are ya gonna do?

 

Not have sex with her until she's ready and remain frustrated or move on and find what you need.

 

You may just find it better all the way around. You may NOT also, but you'd be no better off than you are now then, would you?