Should I email the ex-gf myself???

[adidas7fire]

I've got an issue that has been bothering me for a while now. Basically, my bf and I have been together for 2 years but about a year ago, my bf would get random emails from his ex. I told him once before that I am uncomfortable with the fact that they are conversing because I feel as though it's disrespectful and he's neglecting my feelings. He says that I need to trust him and that it's innocent. However, if your significant other asked you to quit this, would you?

 

I don't really want to bring the issue up again because I don't want to cause an argument but at the same time, I was thinking about emailing the ex-gf, asking is she would quit emailing him and respect our relationship. Do you think that that is a good idea or something that you would even consider??? Please help me. I feel so lost and hurt right now.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I personally feel that you should not contact the x girlfriend. I think that you should deal directly with your boyfriend since that's whom you are in the relationship with... but that's just my opinion.

[adidas7fire]

I have tried yet he insists that I trust him and not be jealous. It's not that I don't trust him or am jealous... I just don't understand why he neglects my feelings when I say that this is bothering me.

[blender]

do NOT email the ex girlfriend, leave her out of this, it has NOTHING to do with her. Your boyfriend is making a choice to stay in contact with his ex, you have expressed that this is not something that is comfortable for you, and he said, "trust me". SO:

 

Do you trust him? If not, why not? Can it be possible that they are "just friends"? I think so... it depends on how long ago that relationship was, if you have ever met her, is she married now, is your boyfriend trustworthy, are you in touch with any of your exes?

 

This is not a "black and white" situation, it's more of a "grey" area. But do NOT involve the ex girlfriend, this is between you and your guy.

 

If you are expressing to him in a mature, healthy, honest way, that it makes you uncomfortable that he is in contact with her, the least he can do is let you in on what their conversations are about and reassure you that she's an accquaintance now, and he's friendly with her. But if he does not take the time to understand and explain and reassure you, well then, you need to define what is "okay" for you to tolerate.. and if YOU are not comfortable with him being in touch with they ex, and he does not give you an explaination that's comforting to you, well then you have to ask yourself "why?"

 

Have you asked him if it would be "okay" for you to be in touch and emailing an ex?

 

It could also be that it was a deep friendship after all.. my ex husband and I are best of friends, and yes it's tough for guys that I have dated, but as soon as they see us together, they get that we are "respectful friends who share a history and family". and nothing more...

[flower99]

I tend to agree with HealingHandsWarmingHeart. I would not contact her, because he's the one your in the relationship with.

 

Also, If he's going to stop conversing with her it's got to be the decision he makes.

And yes if my significant other made thier feelings known, i would respect that . So I think that his lack of respect, trust & the neglecting your feelings are the issue. Emailing the ex yourself won't fix that, but it could result in sneakiness. You want him to make that decision. You making it for him, I dont' think will help.

[blender]

Again, the question is WHY is it bothering you? Does he email her emotional things? Does he confide in her? Do you know her? Does she know about you?

[flower99]

Blender makes excellent points too.

[Dako]

This will sound all wrong

I suppose many women would pull on his leash, but it's a great opportunity to show how you believe in him.

Controlling him is more damaging than letting him live his life without drama.

[dogheadma]

I think that you should discuss it only with your boyfriend also for the same reason. Keep in mind there are two sides to this coin. On your side you feel uncomfortable with the fact he is contacting her and that alone should be reason enough for him to stop if he respects and cares about your feelings. But you should also keep in mind that what he's doing probably is harmless and you should not harbor any jealousy because doing so will bring poison into your relationship. Ultimately, he should respect your wishes; bottom line. But you should also be aware of your reaction and approch him in an open and trusting manner. Don't contact the ex, it's none of her business and will only add drama to the situation.

[blender]

Flower is dead on, about him "making this choice" so do NOT involve yourself by emailing the ex girlfriend, that's thinking you have "power over others" you do not. You can only decide to have the power over your own choices, and have the self respect to find your own personal boundaries within yourself and if you feel this is "him neglecting your feelings" then don't set an example of "neglecting your OWN feelings" if you feel this is a "deal breaker" then define it as such and move on... otherwise complaining about it and staying anyways, will water down any of your feelings, protect your heart, listen to him, and then decide if his "choices" are okay for you too.. I think one of the posters who said, "this is an opportunity for you to believe in him" could be right... but not if your gut is telling you something different, just be careful to not let your insecurities blow it out of proportion but by the same token, set your own personal boundaries for your heart.

[crvers]

I personally agree with Dako.

 

People are able to still have a friendship with an ex, even after the relationship has ended. To tell them that they are not allowed to, is that not you neglecting his feelings in this? Conversing with someone who was once an important part of their life isn't a disrespecting act as long as the context is only about friendship. If she is attempting to get him back then its an understandable request to not talk to her. But, if your wanting him to stop because your insecure and don't trust him then that's being a bit selfish.

 

Maybe I'[m right, maybe I'm wrong but thats just my perspective of it.

[Dako]

I wouldn't give up my friendship with my ex for anyone.

[dogheadma]

Interesting.....I don't know if you're in a relationship right now, but you would'nt give it up for your current SO? If so, why not?

[Dako]

I was with the ex for 27 years. I don't know about you, but to me that's heavy stuff. If a new lady demanded my oldest friend be cut loose because she's insecure, it would'nt be a choice between two women, but a test of my integrity.

[dogheadma]

Yeah, that is heavy stuff. My longest was living together 5 yrs. and we're still friends and my gf is still friends with her ex-h too. But I would cut the ex loose if my gf asked even though she never would. Nor would I of her.

[TramatizedSoul]

Wow reading this is like deja vue my ex and I had the exact same problem he wouldn't cease communication with his ex who happened to be his first love and it botherd me so much we always fought about it. Eventually I stopped yelling and found out later on that she knew of me and was still having a secret relationship with him, I let my emotions get the best of me and I contacted her and she flat out told me yeah she knew of me but she couldn't deny her own feelings for the sake of someone she doesn't know. Long story short he ended up breaking up with me and going back to his ex and that was a year ago and we've been together prior to that for 2 years. My advice is its all about ya man and how he handles it

[annie24]

so u guys think its ok to be friends with exes? wouldnt it bring trouble to ur current relationship??

 

what if the ex is always in the picture where u go their always there. their always emailing,calling, hanging out...wouldnt this make u feel uncomfortable..make u feel like ur 2nd best when u should be 1st? im havin hard time understandin this....since bf n his ex r close friends.

 

 

hehe jus out of curisousity...

 

I think it can be ok to be friends with an ex, but it all depends on the situation. there are some circumstances where there is a long history (like dako) or children where being friends is ok. however, if they seem very hung up on each other and you feel like you are #2 and te ex is #1, then that is a problem.

 

I don't think the OP should e-mail the ex. let me first give you an extreme example: say that you are dating a famous actor or rock star and he is always getting love letters and fan mail from tons of women. would you e-mail and call all of them to tell them to knock it off? no, that would be stupid and a waste of time. instead, you would have to decide if you trust your bf enough to reject their advances.

 

It is the same with your boyfriend. you can't control the feelings other women have towards him (and this could be just a friendship!) and you can't control other women's actions. however, if you trust your boyfriend not to stray if tempted, then give him a break.

 

you will just seem a bit crazy and insecure if you sent an e-mail to the ex-gf. if I got such an e-mail from a woman, I would immediately forward the e-mail to your boyfriend and be like, "um, dude, I think your gf is crazy." (but that's just my opinion).

[Dako]

I can't explain it well, but it comes down to valuing trust as well as love.

Love gets all the attention, but trust is pretty powerful.

[Batya33]

I don't think the ex is being disrespectful at all - what, just because he is dating you and not dating her any longer he is not allowed to stay in touch as friends with exes? I stay in touch with certain exes as does my bf and I trust him and he trusts me. Just because something he does bothers you doesn't mean he automatically has to stop doing it particularly if he benefits from the friendship.

[melrich]

To the OP. Don't contact his ex.

 

I am with Dako on this one. I am friends with a couple of exes. If my current partner told me I could no longer be friends with them I don't think I could abide out of integrity and it would probably say something about my current partner that would make me look at them in a different light.

 

If you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have a relationship.

[adidas7fire]

******UPDATE********

 

First off, thanks for all your inputs. It brings a lot of things into perspective. However, his ex is married and has a child now. I just didn't understand why she felt obligated to write him out of the blue to get "closure" when she has found her dream man. I mean, I broke up with an ex for a reason... they are my past and I leave it at that. It just didn't make any sense that she had to look up her past and be like..."well, I didn't choose you yet I still want to know what you're up to."

 

I did speak to my bf about this and told him everything.. of how it made me feel and how it affects our relationship and he said that if it really affecting me/us that much, he will cease communication because it will make me happier and thus, make the both of us happier in our relationship. He is one that is very rational and realistic and can tell from a mile away when something is bothering me. Having this issue bottled up inside of me for so long, I just exploded with a ton of feelings and he could see where I was coming from. So, we will see after the next couple of days/weeks how things are handled. We talked for hours about anything and everything that tied in with this, with life, and with our relationship and now I know how he feels about certain things and vice versa. For me, it was kind of a sense of cleansing the soul... being able to start on a clean slate and I feel a ton better. I know for a fact that I would have felt like a real b**** had I emailed his ex... but you know, I'd never really follow thru. I knew that the situation was between him and I. But thank you.

[Batya33]

I hope you understand that in some cases exes stay in touch and there are no romantic feelings involved and no bad motives. I do, my boyfriend does, and it's all good and fine. It has nothing to do with "closure" - it just has to do with staying in touch with someone who was a very important part of your life. They do not necesarily need to disappear. I hope your bf comes through on his promise to you - since he did promise - but if I were him, it would be a tough compromise and don't be surprised if there is at least minor resentment for your controlling who he can and cannot be in touch with. I hope that is worth it to you.

[hotsands]

But "living his life" involves cheating for most men. So, it all depends on who you are. Are you the woman who looks the other way while your boyfriend cheats, because after all, it's in better standing with your peers to be with a man than to be single; or are you true to your feelings and yourself, strong enough to demand respect even if it means that the relationship you have will end? Controlling or not, there's no way I would ever agree to be with any man and let him "live his life" and risk bringing home diseases that only I could catch.

[caro33]

But "living his life" involves cheating for most men.

 

That's a bit rough! Besides the fact that that it is wrong, saying that kind of thing does not help people dealing with genuine issues of when to trust.

 

Anyway, these ex situations are complex. There are friends and there are 'friends'. And sometimes those warning signs are nothing, but they need to be understood from both people's perspective (in the primary relationship).

 

Adidas good for you, glad it worked out.