Am I too overprotective?

[Azual]

Hey, first time posting here, but this place looked like the spot to go since you all seem to want to help out. Note that this is quite long and unorganized but I make my point near the bottom.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 months now, and I'm completely dedicated to her and love her with all my heart, but sometimes I get the feeling she doesn't love me and isn't as dedicated to me as I to her. I know I'm wrong but I still think it, and maybe it's because I've been cheated on a few times and I'm scared.

 

I know I'm young, but she's changed my life in such a good way, and I know I'm scared of losing her.

 

Anyway - I know I'm being very protective but when she goes on walks after dark (It has been declared by our PD that it is actually unsafe and they can no longer provide safety with all the gangs and recent things happening) and I asked her to at minimum carry a knife or pepper spray. Her response was; "I can take care of myself, and I know how to defend myself".

 

Point being made, she of all people should know that sometimes things happen wrong, she was raped 2 years ago by her step brother and I'm the only person whom she has told, even though she has to go back to her dad's house (Her parents are divorced) for Christmas and I don't want to have her in that position again.

 

And as much as she assures me that she loves me, when I was with her yesterday she did the new style of cutting up the shirt and tying it and when I asked her to at least wear something undernearth because I could practically see her chest she became annoyed, but wore the undershirt.

 

Her wearing that type of thing, I admit, gets me a little annoyed because as someone once told me; "Why put the good on show if they aren't for sale?" and the shirt made her look less respective and a little trashy...

 

So, I guess what I'm really trying to ask is...

Am I too overprotective?

And if she doesn't tell someone about the rape thing before she goes, should I?

And do I have the right to be mad about something so simple as a shirt when she gets angry at me for pointing something out?

And as much as she says she loves me I can't help but feel untrustworthy due to past relationships... how can I get over this because I've had too much emotional pain and I'm ready to sit down for a while and be happy.

 

I mean I love this girl... I'd give her the world, take a bullet for her, wait on her hand and foot and it seems like sometimes she just doesn't want it... Like sometimes she is just annoyed that I care and don't want to see her hurt. And if this isn't what she wants, I don't want to be the typical kind of sex driven guy who just wants in her pants, but I'm willing to make changes for her.

 

I'm just lost and could use some help.

[Beec]

Welcome to the forum.

 

First, you should not tell anyone about the rape. That's for her to decide when she wants to. She told you in confidence, keep her confidence.

 

Second, if you want her to have pepper spray, buy it and ask her to carry it for you.

 

Third, you need to let her have some freedom. You cannot smother her. If you want a fire to burn, you need to let it have some air. So, let her go, but let her know you care too.

[rose2summer]

Because she was raped, you need to be very sensitive in how you approach the situation.

 

I was raped 3 yrs ago, so I will try to provide some advice as best that I can.

 

After being raped:

 

My previous (ex) of 5 yrs didn't want me going out alone with my friends at all, I was frustrated about it, he had my best interest in mind, but I wanted my independence more than ever.

 

Usually, not always, those who are raped, want to feel that they have control and power in their own lives, that the rape hasn't hindered their judgement or ability to advance.

 

In my opinion, she wore the showy top to indicate her independence, to show that no one can control her.

 

Am I too overprotective? No, but don't dictate how she dresses or what she does if she goes out

 

And if she doesn't tell someone about the rape thing before she goes, should I?

NO, absolutely not, it's no one's business. You are not her master or dictator, let her tell who she wants, that would cause huge problems if you told anyone, she entrusted you with this knowledge.

 

And do I have the right to be mad about something so simple as a shirt when she gets angry at me for pointing something out?

No, you do not, she can dress as she pleases. Don't manipulate her.

 

And as much as she says she loves me I can't help but feel untrustworthy due to past relationships... how can I get over this because I've had too much emotional pain and I'm ready to sit down for a while and be happy.

You cannot let your past relationships dictate your current one. Figure out exactly why you feel untrustworthy from your past and work on that.

 

Remember we are here to help you.

 

Hugs,

Rose

[craving_normalcy]

Point being made, she of all people should know that sometimes things happen wrong, she was raped 2 years ago by her step brother and I'm the only person whom she has told, even though she has to go back to her dad's house (Her parents are divorced) for Christmas and I don't want to have her in that position again.

 

Ok, this concerns me because it is unclear of how old your GF is. Is she an adult? If so, then you have no business telling anyone about the rape. However, if she was underage when she was raped, someone needs to know, especially since she has to go back to her dad's house for Christmas (this is why I wondered about her age - it sounds like 'visitations' or something that divorced couples share w/ underage kids involved, etc)...and she could potentially be in a very disturbing and unsafe situation there...

[Azual]

She is 15 now, as am I, and that's why I was wondering if I should tell someone if she doesn't so she does not get put in that position and I am not forced to spend $800 (Not that I care, she's my life and I'd be willing to spend it to protect her) to fly out.

 

When she told me about this and when she said she had to go back for Christmas, I was slightly upset (As you can imagine) and asked her to tell someone (Begged actually) before she was actually scheduled to fly out. She said she would but I'm not sure if she will and I don't want to break her trust by saying anything but I don't want her to be in that position...

 

As for her freedom, I let her do things, if she wants to hang with friends and doesn't want me there (Which is quite rare), I just wish she was a bit more careful. I respect her choices but if a man wants something and he has the opportunity to take it, he's likely to. (I know this because I've gone through court for such offenses, and I greatly regret them. If I could take them back knowing what I know now, I would.)

 

But thank you all for your information, and I have another trust issue, not quite about my girlfriend, because as I went through my day today in school with her I finally settled on the trust thing.

 

But I have a friend who has broken most of my trust with a few things he said; "I'll kidnap your girlfriend and do with her as I please", "If you try to stop me I'll cut her neck open when you get close", "I know people in (City name), I can hide there" and so I don't like him being around her, but I don't want to just drop him as a friend because he's normally not one to make idle threats...

 

I'm lost on the friend thing, we're still pals and all and we've moved past (sort of) that but I can't trust him around my girlfriend because I have a feeling he'd put her in a situation she wouldn't want to be in...

[Azual]

/Bump

Just lookin for some help.

Please and thank you.

[craving_normalcy]

She's 15 and was raped by her step-brother...and has to spend Christmas with him/her dad's family, too? Honestly, you need to sit down with her and maybe a pastor or an adult you both trust and TELL SOMEONE. Keeping this secret is bad - I know you love her and you don't want to break that trust...but do your really want to see her (possibly) get raped again?

 

As for the friend, I would say stay the hell away from him too - he sounds like a damn freak and I wouldn't trust him at all.

[Azual]

Thank you Craving, I'll do my best to get her to tell someone, the only problem is she says she doesn't want to. Okay ya sure, you don't want to be known as a victom but think of who else he could hurt (And she was 13 when it happened, not 15). I mean I care strictly about her, but I'm thinking of a bigger picture at the same time. Again, thank you all for your comments.

 

As for the friend, I'm switching a few classes around to be with her and keep an eye on him.

[Azual]

Hey, hate to post again, but a new problem has arose.

 

My girlfriend is willingly and acceptingly putting herself in the spot to be raped again, after I've told her I don't want to see her hurt...

 

I'm so lost What should I do, she wants to go to her dads house but she accepts that she can be raped far to easily, and I don't want to think she enjoyed it last time...

[brando]

Well it isn't for you to decide what sh does. Respect her decision. Support her, show her you are confident in her decision.

[Azual]

How can I be confident when she is willingly and happily putting herself in this spot??

Should I just let her go? I want to trust her and believe she can defend herself but she couldn't last time... And she has the chance to set things up so she isn't in that spot but she wont do it...

I don't understand

[Azual]

I'm gonna talk to her again and tell her what's on my mind and what I plan on doing and ask why she wants him so close to her because it's getting me a little worried about whether or not she really hates him or enjoyed his company...

And if she wants to hate me for having her best interests at heart, so be it. I'm still letting someone know.

 

I believe it's the best course of action right now and if anyone disagrees, please let me know why.

 

Alas... I lie... after a long night talking to friends and subconsciously thinking about it I have resolved that I'm going to trust her not to cheat on me and trust her to be able to defend herself. For those of you who wanted to yell at me - Yeah I'm retarded.

[Azual]

Again I post, just to keep anyone who is interested and would like to help, updated. After talking to a friend who says her mother is a rape victom councillor, she says none of her clients in the 9-15 years she's worked as a councillor have ever wanted to be near someone who raped them... and yet my GF does.

 

I have a gut feeling that she is lying to me, and it never happened or she liked it and said it was rape but is going back and is going to cheat on me with her step brother.

 

What should I do?!

[brando]

why would you believe she wants to have sex with her step brother.???

 

Everyone is different. No counselor can predict or determine what on victim will do over another.

 

I think you need to sit down with her and ask her flat out. You will be treading high waters by doing so and possibly risking this relationship.

 

Or you simply trust her intentions of going to see her father,ma nd the step brother has no factor in it.

 

It is a difficult situatio you seem to be in. Not much you can do but either accept or end the relationship if you have these trust issues withher.

[Azual]

Don't get me wrong, I want to trust her but I feel her judgement may be clouded. I mean, 2 months ago she told me she wanted her step brother out of her life, wanted nothing to do with him, and all the sudden she wants him to be near her when she goes and visits... I don't want to stop her from going, because I know how much it sucks to not see a parent (Havn't seen my mother for close to a year now), but I don't want to let her do anything rash...

I can't make a decision on whether or not I trust this whole thing goin down before I get some more answers but I don't want to just bluntly ask... She's pushin me away with this, yet keeps saying she wants me close and wants me to be happy...

I want us to work out, I really do. I love this girl more than anything, and I'd gladly take a bullet for her...

I know there is more to the story than she's telling me, and I want her to trust me enough to know she can say something and have it hurt, but I won't leave her in the dark alone. It's been done to me and it hurts, and I don't want to hurt her in any way...

She's hurting the people she cares most about (According to her)... Herself, her father, and myself. I would think the father would have the right to know what happened, rape or not right? And she shouldn't be forced to carry this burden... And I'm getting lost and confused and I don't know what to do.

[candy604]

she's hurting inside and probably is lost and doesn't want to disrupt the family with the rape thing.

 

but buy her the pepper spray incase. My housekeeper has one and has used it on men who got near her. She's actually had a gun pointed at her too. So yes, it is a dangerous world.

[Azual]

Yeah... well... after a long day (and I mean it was long) I have come to a set-in-stone conclusion...

 

I'm gonna trust her... I'm still going to ask questions because I'd like a few answers, but she's given me no definitive reason to not trust her. And I'm gonna ask her to be more open with me, she can trust me and she won't hurt me and I'll always be here for her, and I'll always care about her. And all I really ask in return is for her to trust me and listen to my thoughts a bit more, because as a guy, I'm a little more prone to know what men think. And I might point out the little changes that have hurt me a bit and hope those revert back, and if they don't... well I'll get used to it but I'll ask her to tone it down. Maybe ask her to take a little more pride in herself and just listen to me about protecting herself a bit more. Because I want to protect her. Forever.

 

Well... I mean the most I can do is trust her word that it was rape until I ask her... And if it was I can't blame her except for putting herself into the position willingly... But if it wasn't I hope she has moved on from that and regrets it, doesn't want it, is happy with me and won't cheat on me I hope...

 

And I'd rather her trust me 100% and tell me everything that she thinks will hurt me.. Because she'll hurt me less cause I know she'll tell me whats up ya know? As opposed to keeping secrets and hurting me more.. And if she told me what was on her mind, I'd feel more respected and loved and in turn respect her and love her more and she wouldn't hurt me... and when I talk to her I hope she opens up about everything...

 

I know theres more to that story and she is just trying not to hurt me, but I'm going to ask her, in a sensitive caring way, regardless... I'm gonna let her know everything else first, And tell her, "Look, I'm a bit concerned about your change of heart, and I love you and I trust you, but why do you want this kid so close?"

I just hope she'll answer it ya know?

[Azual]

Okay, so I talked to the girlfriend for 2 hours on the phone last night, let her know what was on my mind and what was bugging me and let her say her share about what she was thinking of my thoughts.

 

Turns out I was right and there was more to that story but she told me she will never say it out loud and I have to read it in a letter. Fair enough, if it hurts her that much I'll respect that and read the letter. However I have a feeling I know what is in that letter and I'm scared of what I'm going to think and how I'm going to handle it... I think it may be that she still may have feelings for her step brother and she is unsure of who she wants more.

 

The ball is in my court and I don't know what to do. Any advice before I head out to see her at school would be appreciated.