Why do men stilll want to be friends after a breakup

[RRISALEE]

My ex just broke up with me yesterday because he felt that I didn't have his back and some trust issues he had. and he said Friends is the most we can be at this time. He said that he loves me very much. tehn he asked me was i mad and do i still love him?? And the friends thing doesn't mean it is going to be forever. What does that mean?

Why do men say that?

[PRSOV]

There are trust issues in your relationship that your boyfriend obviously feels itwould be wise to return to the 'single' status until he rectify's them himself, otherwise that would be unfair on you...

 

May I ask how long you were dating/going out for?

[RRISALEE]

a year and one month

[Majoraslayer]

Well, this means for one reason or another he wanted to break up with you but he wanted to keep you tethered so he could get you back later if the need arose. This allows for two options:

 

1) Let him do whatever it is he feels he needs to do and hold onto the hope you'll get him back, or

2) Move on and don't allow him to play games like this.

[DN]

I read a previous thread where you were talking about lying to him and i suppose that is the trust issue. But what is this about?

he felt that I didn't have his back

[RRISALEE]

he said that he felt that i didn;t have his back because in the beginning of the relationship when we were just friends. i really wasn't into him like that. and sometimes i picked up the phone and sometimes i didn't but i wasnt playing games i was working alot. i just considered him a friend. but he wanted more than friendship. then the fact that he just brokeup with a girl two months before he met me didn;t help and she was five years older than him. but he say that an inidident open all the wounds from the very beginning.

[RRISALEE]

i didn't lie

[DN]

You're being a little reticent about things and it makes it difficult to give proper advice when important stuff may be being left out. There's no need to be embarrassed, we are trying to help.

 

What incident?

[RRISALEE]

I know you are trying to help me and I thank you. I just wanted to state that i didn't lie. at first i just was interested him as a friend because he was my ex bestfriend's new best friend so i didn't want to get involved like that. but i did anyways. i am just hurting because this hurts and i don't know what to do. and why?

[DN]

I don't know what you replied when he said he wanted to break up with you but I think you should tell him that you wanted him as a boyfriend and if he doesn't want you as his girlfriend then you don't want him to contact you anymore.

 

People who initiate the break up don't get to choose to remain friends - you have a choice as well. He needs to understand the consequences of breaking up - and that means he loses you altogether.

[RRISALEE]

I am just to hurt and I guess I need to let go of the hope that I have that he will come to his senses. He said that this dosen't mean that we will stay like this forever, but he just needs to get his stuff together. he is not ready to commit. but i always wonder well he meet a new person with in two months like he did when he broke up with the other girl. i mean will the behavior repeat itself.. he said that he cried about it and that he was really thinking alot about us and i just want to know why or what was the reason for him leaving. or should i just leave it alone. but then why is he still calling me?

[DN]

It seems that he is not sure of the reason for leaving so it is probable he would not be able to explain it to you in any way that made sense. I know that is hard to accept but it sometimes happens like that.

 

I would say to him that if he wants to get back together then you will be ready to listen to what he has to say but otherwise not to call you.

[RRISALEE]

I just ask him why and he said that he rather talk about it and then i said you want to today and he said that me might not have time so i guess i will never get it then. i don't want to this to be drugged out forever. he just laid down the friends statement and the bounced., he said that still loves me but damn. did he hurt? like he said he did?

[DN]

Maybe but he could also have said that so you would feel sorry for him and not make the break up harder. Sometimes people can be manipulative like that.

[RRISALEE]

so what am i suppose to do now.? just pretend that i did not meet him? people always concerntate on other things nut it is sooo hard at the the beginning atleast for a week you know. thanks god for my cousin's wedding because i will be working as a hostes. but what else can i do? is he ever thing to give me clousure?

[rose2summer]

I agree with DN 100% here, he wants to keep you around in case he wants to return.

 

You receive the consolation prize of "let's be friends"

 

Dumpers don't get that amount of power.

 

Follow No Contact and don't accept that prize.

 

Why get the crumbs when you can have the whole cake?

 

What are you supposed to do? Take your pride, hold your head high, and walk away.

 

You need to accept that you may never have closure, so you need to create closure for yourself.

 

I would guestimate (Rose's new word) that maybe 90% of us on here did have closure, I sure didn't, my ex still wants to get back together, but shah, forget that.

 

If you really love yourself, you would respect yourself and walk away.

 

What you really need to do too, is be honest with yourself, is he valid in that you lied to him?

 

Good luck and hugs,

Rose

[DN]

Closure is a concept that is greatly over estimated in my opinion. Closure means acceptance that the relationship is over and that comes from within you - not from the person who ended the relationship.

 

If someone gives reasons why they want to break-up nine times out of ten the other person will start to argue or try to persuade that they can change. But it's either too late or the reasons given were only part of the reason or the real reason can't be articulated. So closure is still not achieved because now they think they weren't given a fair chance to repair the relationship, or wish they could have acted different.

 

Closure means the door is closed and will not open again. And to achieve that acceptance you need to go by what the ex does - not what they say.

 

I think I'll start a thread about that thought - it will be interesting to get other opinions.

[RRISALEE]

Thanks! I totally understand what you are saying but I guess it hurts to know what I have to walk away from a person that i love and have feelings for. So no contact at all? then why does he call? just have to get on with me life, and apply to grad school. but i still want him and to make it work. or is that because i am crazy?

[DN]

No, you are not crazy - love works like that. You can't just switch it on and off. But you can decide not to allow the ex to control the swtich either.

[RRISALEE]

dang that's powerfiul. So I just don't talk, email or nothing just drop everything and focus on other things? Well i am applying to grad school. and ironically i want to a marriage and family therapist. go figure. I am a very strong person in other parts of my life but relationships i am not good. i suck. how do i stop my mom says i get too attached. how can i stop that?

[rose2summer]

Rrisa,

 

I just PMed you but I am going to respond to your other questions here as well.

 

Yes, you block all contact with this man, no phone calls, emails, texts, checking online websites, etc.

 

Have you tried reading the book Woman Who Love Too Much.

 

In the book, the author discusses woman who attach too easily or as the title implies, give too much to their relationships.

 

If you are trying too hard in a relationship, then it probably isn't worth it.

 

Relationships are about reciprocation, not one partner leeching on the other (your ex).

 

I feel the same way, I think, wow, I am so good at other parts of my life, but relationships, they leave something to be desired.

 

Don't fool yourself.

 

I started looking back at my relationships and analyzing them, here's what I found:

 

The first 2 I left the guys (who were actually really good guys) so who do I blame? Me

The last one was a creep, so I won't even count him.

 

My point is:

 

Don't be quick to say your relationships aren't good until you analyze them first.

 

Figure out why they failed.

 

Then you can move forward.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[DN]

dang that's powerfiul. So I just don't talk, email or nothing just drop everything and focus on other things? Well i am applying to grad school. and ironically i want to a marriage and family therapist. go figure. I am a very strong person in other parts of my life but relationships i am not good. i suck. how do i stop my mom says i get too attached. how can i stop that?

Make a decision. That requires a rational process.

 

Many people let their emotions run their lives. But emotions should tell you what you want and then you should let your rationality tell you if you can get it, how to try and get it and when it is necessary to stop. Emotions are necessary but so is holding them in balance with practicality.

 

Your mother is right - don't get too attached too soon but don't go too far the other way either. Seek the correct balance and for that you use a rational process.

[RRISALEE]

Thanks! Just Going Tobe Really Hard. I Wish I Could Separte My Feelings And Emotions From Men Or Like Men. I Was Trying I Am So Tired Of Letting Men You Away To Mature. The Last Time I Did That I Had To Do That Four Three Years And Now He Is Trying To Come Back But I Can't Do That. I Have Feelings For The One I Just Lost.