Don't Marry Career Women???

[tylercdurden2004]

Huh. My response was my own personal thing.

[justpaisley]

I think that is somewhat insulting to all the single fathers who do a great job raising their infant children. It is surprising how many men actually do that and do it as well as any mother.

 

I was raised by a single father who did the best he could, but nothing could replace a mother, just like nothing could replace a father. A single parent can do his or her best to imitate the missing parent's qualities, but seriously, there's only so much a single dad can do when his daughter starts her period. Trust me.

[CheerfulSprocket]

In my experience, this preference for non-professionally-achieving women has been the case, as a general matter. However, in the subset of men (and women, for that matter) whom I admire, 100% of them have seen achievement, both in and out of the household actually, as a positive and attractive quality! Of course, my subset is limited to less than 10 people. kidding kidding!

 

Spro

[DN]

I was raised by a single father who did the best he could, but nothing could replace a mother, just like nothing could replace a father. A single parent can do his or her best to imitate the missing parent's qualities, but seriously, there's only so much a single dad can do when his daughter starts her period. Trust me.

I think you were originally talking about nurturing a young child.

 

I was at a place the other day and two gay friends were there with their three adopted children. When I saw the youngest hold his arms out to be be picked up and cuddled just because - I had no doubt that nobody could be any more nurturing than that father was.

[justpaisley]

DN - I am a mother. I am a good mother. For you to imply that anyone could do my job as well as or better than I do is an insult. Someone else could do a good job, and I'm sure my husband would do well at raising my son if I were to die, but there is no replacement for a mother. Period. Similarly, there is no replacement for a father's influence, love, guidance. Do you think that I would raise your children better than you can, or your wife?

[Juha]

Well I went out with a very smart career woman and like a man her career was the most important thing in her life. She loved me and wanted to be with me but her career came first and I was always pushed to the side...

 

If you are never together are you really going out? I said no and ditched her... Unfortunate though as she was a really good person and we had a really good connection...

 

It is not career women but career people. They put the job first and life second....

 

I want a women who is happy at what she is doing, no matter what it is...

A women who has balance in her life...

 

Career oriented people do not have balance and never will...

[Batya33]

Well I went out with a very smart career woman and like a man her career was the most important thing in her life. She loved me and wanted to be with me but her career came first and I was always pushed to the side...

 

If you are never together are you really going out? I said no and ditched her... Unfortunate though as she was a really good person and we had a really good connection...

 

It is not career women but career people. They put the job first and life second....

 

I want a women who is happy at what she is doing, no matter what it is...

A women who has balance in her life...

 

Career oriented people do not have balance and never will...

 

Hmm - interesting generalization about "career women." Because I realized my dream of a particular career, I don't have to worry about finances (read - how much $ a man has or makes is not a priority for me in looking for a relationship). Just because I have a career doesn't mean it comes first and it won't come first if I ever have or adopt children because I will want to stay home to raise them for at least a few years (and unlike people (other than trust fund types, etc) who just chose to have a job instead of a career, I am more likely to be able to afford to stay home without impacting the family income too much).

 

The person you referred to in your post sounds like she did put her career first and thereforeeee was not right for you. I hope you reconsider your broad statement that she was typical of all people with a career. As someone who now supervises others, workaholic types don't make the best workers because they lack balance and perspective - they also might have trouble being team players if they do not spend time outside the office interacting with people socially.

[Momene]

Juha is right. My boss moved his family to England and didn't give them much choice in order to advance his career. I have to say I'm disappointed at my lack of career success but reluctance to make any move that would affect my family life is only one factor that has affected it.

 

I think anyone who pursues a career to the detriment of their relationship can only be married to somebody similar and be prepared to do long distance or someone who isn't career minded but independent enough to amuse themselves while their partner is working long hours or away on business trips.

 

Now I could accept being married to someone intellectually superior and, in some ways my wife is, and I wouldn't mind being the minor breadwinner. As I'm older, the need to have a "career" is less and less as I've already seen and done most thin gs I am ever likely to do in the workplace.

[RayKay]

I think there is a big difference between an invidual having a career they love and excel in, and putting that career above their family to take it further.

 

I am a woman whom had a career, and am going back to school to make a better career for myself more in line with my interests, and for my autonomy. But while that is important to me, it is not my "all" and I will not put it above my family, or future family.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with someone whom has a compatible lifestyle and goals to you, nor is it necessary to both be in "similar" careers. My mum for example is a professional, my stepfather is a blue-collar worker and they are absolutely in love with one another.....each others career success is THEIR success, and both of them always made sure the family and home were put first.

 

People with careers can have balance too, and often they can have more flexibility if they also have some autonomy. Having a career does not mean you will not have balance, cannot raise healthy, loved children or be there for your partner.

 

I know a lot of people whom just have a job whom are not so able to be flexible...they can't afford to take time off, or they don't have flex time, or vacation schedules that coincide with the childrens time off, or they have pitiful or non existent benefits so need to work to pay for dentists, doctors, and so on.

 

As for when I do have children, I think that EITHER of us would be great stay-at-home parents if we chose to go that route for their early years, and I don't think that is something that needs to be exlusively the mum or the dad, as I have seen both raise children either as single parents, or as gay or lesbian couples and had wonderful bonds and great children. So we would very much like to be able to do that for their early years, or at least have careers that allow for that autonomy.

[Momene]

Personally, I'd love to find a job where I could maintain or exceed my income, while being able to spend more time at home.

[laboheme]

I'm only 20, but a year ago when my ex and I had a conversation about values, I said that for me career is far more important than family. Now, over the last year that changed (after meeting a family that actually does things together, unlike mine, after meeting his adorable cousins and seeing him interact with kids) -- but of course I refused to acknowledge that, and at the time (and after the breakup), he said that he doesn't agree with putting a career above family, and that was definitely one of the reasons for the breakup. Even with my level of dedication to my daily job (which is hardly a career, but it's a good resume-builder), I found myself kicking everything else to the side -- that included friends, family, fun, free time, and my boyfriend. I think that's a pretty good indication of what kind of wife and mother I would be...

 

Also, the way I see it, I'm going to get a PhD if that's the last thing I do, and I don't think I can marry or start the family until I do, so marriage for me will have to wait a while...possibly until/if I get my dream job and am secure enough there to know that I can take time off for a honeymoon or maternity leave and still have the same position. I think that's offputting to some men -- especially those who'd like to be young grandfathers and don't want to start having children in their 40s.

 

(I think terminology kind of makes a difference here, too...Job vs. career, the former being something that you do for financial income, the latter being heavily rooted in social status, upward mobility, and recognition.)

[markfromark]

I am trying to date a woman who thinks her career is very important. I told her my wishes to have children and her answer was she might be willing to adopt children. Needless to say I am disappointed. Maybe she will change her mind but I doubt it.

She also is smarter than me and I am afraid once she finds out that I am only faking intelligence she will dump me anyways.

My ex was intellectually not up to par with me, the new flame is way too high, how do I find a woman who is in my range of intellectual capabilities?

[Aurian]

My thought is the reason why marriages with carear women are more likely to fail is because carrear women have OPTIONS. Take the old-fashioned marriage. Man earns money. Manages the money. Pays the bills. Etc. Woman stays home and pops out babies. Conflict. Woman is stuck in marriage because she has no money, assets or ability to live independently. Divorce rates are low.

 

If a woman earns her own money and has her independance in a marriage, when it goes bad, she has options. She can support herself. She can deal with the various tasks such as bills, taxes, support. Divorce is now an option. Divorce rates soar.

 

Marriages may have the same level of happiness over the last 100 or so years. Divorce rates are just higher because women have jobs and can support themselves should things go bad.

[Juha]

I apologize I did not mean to paint everybody with a broad brush.

 

I was just telling my story and what happened, I have also noticed that many career people are very single minded when it comes to work, they have no balance and that is not healthy.

 

I was not looking to marry but what kind of relationship do you have when all you do is work?

 

Life needs balance, it is important to work hard but also enjoy life.

 

What fun is life if all you do and all yo worry about is work and money?

[Batya33]

I apologize I did not mean to paint everybody with a broad brush.

 

I was just telling my story and what happened, I have also noticed that many career people are very single minded when it comes to work, they have no balance and that is not healthy.

 

I was not looking to marry but what kind of relationship do you have when all you do is work?

 

Life needs balance, it is important to work hard but also enjoy life.

 

What fun is life if all you do and all yo worry about is work and money?

 

I am not sure why having a career is somehow linked to single mindedness and that all we do is work. That would be a workaholic type and not all workaholics have careers, anyway. As for me, I do volunteer work, see friends for lunch, dinner, theater, movies, museums, art galleries, shopping, walking in the park, parties, etc. I have a serious boyfriend who also has a great career and it's the same deal with him and with my friends. We are very proud of each other's accomplishments and take off our "career hats" when we are not working.

 

Although you seem to have no interest in having a career - which is fine (or were you just characterizing women with a career in that way??) I hope you meet people like the ones I know who have that balance. In contrast, I know people who do not have a career, have a 9 to 5 job and seem to have little balance either because they are struggling financially or even if they are not, they seem to feel that they haven't accomplished enough in their lives/have a chip on their shoulders about that.

[Momene]

I have a chip on my shoulder that I haven't had the recognition I deserve and I have financial problems as well. I posted as such on the Careers board.

 

For most of my career, I tried hard to get promoted, etc but it just never happened and I wish I never wasted my time and did a part-time job instead of working extra hours for nothing.

[Batya33]

I have a chip on my shoulder that I haven't had the recognition I deserve and I have financial problems as well. I posted as such on the Careers board.

 

For most of my career, I tried hard to get promoted, etc but it just never happened and I wish I never wasted my time and did a part-time job instead of working extra hours for nothing.

 

I would take a good hard look at why you feel you deserve more recognition and I also would ask people who will give you the absolute truth about your work and work habits why this is the case. It could be that it's just an unfair situation - life can be unfair - but it also could be that you are not good at networking within or outside of your company to make sure you are appropriately communicating your value and your skills, it could be because you haven't honed your diplomacy skills in the office such that people are not so keen on working with you (even if you work very hard) or it could be that you're just not a good fit for the company and for whatever reason you haven't done what is necessary to get a different job.

 

Having a chip on your shoulder is self-sabotaging - people will get that vibe from miles away and may not want to work with you or help you to get the recognition you believe you deserve.

 

Perhaps also you are giving the impression that you are entitled to recognition but ask yourself - other than work long hours - do you mentor people in your company, show an interest in improving the company's reputation by getting involved in committees and giving input to those in charge to improve the company's profit and reputation? If you have a mentor, do you reciprocate and help your mentor? Just some things to think about but you have to be ready to hear them without the chip on your shoulder.

 

Good luck

[Momene]

I don't just work hard, I produce measurable results and am very well liked by the customers. I think one reason I don't get recognised is that I'm not seen as a strong person because I don't seek conflicts and I don't tell lies or bend the truth about people to seek an advantage over them. I'm not a game-player and that behaviour is quite common where I work.

[SarahRose]

Being a game player is probably why. As we all know the most competent person isn't usually the one who gets the promotion but it is the most visible person who knows how to butt kiss the right people.

[RelaxByWater84]

Man that sure puts a damper on my plans of becoming a history professor. If I can't find a guy now I sure won't be able to now. And I want to get married, now that will never happen.

[annie24]

lol. I hope you are joking!

 

the thing that gets me about this article is that he reffers to a "career woman" as a woman who went to college, works more than 35 hours a week, and gets paid at least $30,000 a year.

 

now, I don't think that's even that drastic!

 

we are no longer living in the days where a husband can have a union job that will pay for his wife and kids! it's a financial necessity for both partners to be working. at least it is for most people.

[RelaxByWater84]

Sorry, it's just that the area I come from thinks that its ridiculous for anyone to get a doctorate unless you are to become a medical doctor or dentist or lawyer or anything. They think education is important to a point, a four degree. But my parents value education so I'm glad I got that from them.

[Batya33]

I don't just work hard, I produce measurable results and am very well liked by the customers. I think one reason I don't get recognised is that I'm not seen as a strong person because I don't seek conflicts and I don't tell lies or bend the truth about people to seek an advantage over them. I'm not a game-player and that behaviour is quite common where I work.

 

Basically, you have to be willing to work with people at your company whether you define that as game playing or not - if that is repugnant to you that's fine but then it's probably not the right career/job for you. It's counterproductive, in my humble opinion, to take such a negative view if you want to get ahead in your chosen job/career. Rather, why not consider whether you are taking that attitude as an excuse for not developing the skills necessary to excel at your job/career. If you consider that and truly believe "it's not me it's them" then consider finding a job where you feel your skills are put to good use.

[Momene]

I would like to find another job but there's so few openings. As I'm already doing my job very well anyway, doing it even better will score no points at all. In fact, there's been very little promotion anywhere in my company/organisation lately, so I am not the only one in this situation. It's a common complaint that many people are working harder without additional reward, while many are able to get away without doing much, having decided it's best to do that because they won't get anything worthwhile if they do decide to work.

 

I also think at 51 my chances or further promotion are pretty poor anyway.

 

I'm hoping I'll get made redundant soon, so I can work as a consultant and (before anyone asks), I can't start working as a consultant without getting thge redundancy payout first.

[Azual]

Honestly? I'd be slightly imtimidated by it but not to the point where I wouldn't want to have something connect if she was a great person. So she is smarter than me, oh well. I'm sure that we would find a way to make it happen, her being stressed all day at work and coming home and having the man preparing dinner or taking care of any kids you have or having a bubble bath ready? Ya know?

 

If she's got a better education, good for her, if you're sure you can make it work, even if she is always stressed, just find a way to calm her down and get to to talk about what's going on.

 

That's just my .02