Moving On - the Power of Moving Away

[river dog]

No concept of love was mistreated or injured in any way during the making of this post.

 

In the proposition of NC there is a theoretical effect on the dumper that is rarely discussed here as we are mostly the dumped at this point and have little direct evidence to offer.

 

"People want what they can't have." That is, when the dumped removes themselves from the dumper, the dumper might wonder where they are and what they are up to. The thought that the dumped might be on a date and is OK without them will dramatically increase the value of the dumped to the dumper.

 

I am emphasising might because there are no guarantees in human behaviour, they have to be generalisations by their nature.

 

I dated a women last year who was in a right state, clingy, insecure, told me she loved me on the second date etc. I passed but she later mentioned that another guy appeared to be more interested in dating her than selling her a property - just for a moment, her value went up. It wasn't enough to pull me back because we had only dated a few times. But I got a little jealous.

 

Let's put the thought into an action. "Moving away from someone will increase your value to them".

 

I am talking here about relationships and not moving away from a nuisance stranger.

 

When we do this consciously, we call it "playing games", when someone does it to us it's called "being dumped" and we want them back, sooooo bad. Is that not value? Look at the attention we are paying to our ex now. Every word, every silence, every interaction.

 

We didn't do that while we were together, drive you mad it would. No, they are much more valuable to us now, through their action of moving away.

 

OK, if you agree in principle, I'll get to my main story.

 

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Last week, while surfing, I saw this attractive woman on a dating site and to get to know more about her, I joined. Yeah, I know.

 

In order to contact her (let's call her Esperanza) I had to put up my photo and profile. Then the first thing I did was to send her "a wink" as it is called. Not an email, just a notification that I liked what I saw and read about her.

 

I got loads of replies from other women. Most were entirely unsuitable, but no response from Esperanza.

 

Last night, after much research I decided it wasn't fair to make myself available when I wasn't in the mood for dating anyone, except perhaps Esperanza

 

So, I switched off my profile, with huge relief that I didn't have to worry about all those other lonely women.

 

Some were in their 50s and still living with their parents. Under "How often do you drink?" they had put Every day "What characteristics are you looking for in your ideal partner?" A pulse.

 

This wasn't for me, but Esperanza is different, she is the right age, in the right location, attractive and looks like fun. She is one of the few actually smiling in her photograph rather than grimacing into a cheap webcam or being a smudge on the horizon.

 

So, a week has gone by since I sent Esperanza a wink.

 

Today she must have been browsing through her contacts again. Having a peruse of the catalogue, so to speak. She is pretty enough to have had loads of responses.

 

She had another look at me and found I wasn't there anymore.

 

"Damn, he's gone. I waited too long. He must have met someone already."

 

Still, it seems one can still reply to a wink because I just got one from her. Result!

 

I removed myself from the crowd and now she will be thinking about me that little bit more than the others - my value has increased. When I do respond, she will value me more than before, just a little bit. That's my theory anyway.

 

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My takeaway: "Moving away increased my value"

 

You are the prize, even after you have been rejected and in NC. Remember that. Try and feel like one. Be it for your ex or a new date.

 

They must value your time and attention or they might abuse it.

 

It must not be too easy for them. The harder they work, the more they will value you.

 

Fake it until you can make it if you have to and in time you won't have to fake it anymore.

 

Oh, and Esperanza means Hope.

 

River Dog

[Viper62382]

I like your thinking. It is the truth.

 

side note: did you see the convo I had with her that I posted on my newest thread? I added it this morning under my first post. Tell me what you get from the convo, and If I delt with it the right way.

[hosswhispra]

Thanks River Dog....you've helped me more than you could possibly realize.

[river dog]

If you agree with this thinking, then the opposite is also true. You are devaluing yourself with this girl to a dangerously low level. If you cannot break the cycle, your self esteem will be through the floor, if it isn't already. This could have a serious impact on your life, your job, your career prospects, your credit rating, your health. You name it. You don't want to go there.

 

Have you thought that you might be turning this into an abusive relationship? This will damage relations with others in the future.

 

This is serious stuff you are dealing with here. If it gets to be about pride, you will lose and may lose your pride with it.

[Gator]

Right on RD! It is the law of scarcity, one of the 6 principles of human influence.

 

Since we are constantly being bombarded by so much stimuli and the human brain can only handle a very tiny percentage of it, we need automatic mechanisms just to get by day to day. These are emotional and behavioral shortcuts that allow us to function. Without them, we would be literally paralyzed with information. Our brains would figuratively explode.

 

Scarcity is one of these laws.

 

There is a saying that goes , "There is nothing more attractive than a rapidly dwindling supply of something you desire." This is supply and demand man, stock markets live and die on this principle.

 

The scarcity principle is more likely to hold true under two optimizing conditions

 

 

"Scarce items are heightened in value when they are newly scarce. That is things have higher value when they have become recently restricted--more than those than those things that were restricted all along have.

 

People are most attracted to scarce resources when they compete with others for them. " (adapted from Influence, Robert Cialdini)

 

If you havent read Influence and you enjoy learning new things, I highly recommend it. It really distills the thoughts you are having. link removed

[Gator]

I remember someone else here posted that the more you try to convince someone to come back to you, the more they resist and have to subconsciously come up with reasons why they shouldn't come back to you. I think it was shellshocked's post.

 

Enter rule #2 Commitment and consitency. When someone makes a decision to do something they tend to act and think in ways that are consistent with that decision. If your ex assumes the role of the dumper and convinces herself that it was the right decision, they are constantly finding ways to validate their decision. By trying to convince them otherwise, all that you do is allow their mind to find more and more reasons why they left you.

 

Here is a quote from a web site based on the aforementioned book:

 

"Commitment decisions, even erroneous ones, have a tendency to be self-perpetuating--they often "grow their own legs." That is--those involved may add new reasons and justifications to support the wisdom of commitments they have already made. As a consequence, some commitments remain in effect long after the conditions that spurred them have changed."

[Gator]

PS This is the law that I used (albeit unknowingly) to quit smoking. I made very public proclamations that I was no longer a smoker. I told everyone that I knew that I am no longer going to smoke. Once I identified with being a non-smoker and made sure everyone knew it, it was so easy to quit.

 

Hmm, I wonder if a similar principle could be applied to identifying with the statement, "I am over my ex. I have moved on and I will not look back."

[river dog]

"Scarce items are heightened in value when they are newly scarce. That is things have higher value when they have become recently restricted--more than those than those things that were restricted all along have.

 

Umm, hence pulling from the dating site after a week rather than being yesterday's item in a competitive market for suitable men.

 

So if you are withdrawing contact, you are reducing supply to increase value. When you respond to their contact, you are reaffirming that the supply is not, in fact, restricted. This contact would appear to be more likely in the early stages.

 

The obvious point here is that someone, who has been thinking about dumping for a while, has already moved on emotionally and is unlikely to be affected by NC other than hurt by the apparent rudeness. That would be the friendzone.

 

If they move onto another partner, you are not in demand anyway so restricting supply has no effect. They couldn't care.

 

Just thinking aloud.

 

The book is on order.

 

Thanks.

[river dog]

Hmm, I wonder if a similar principle could be applied to identifying with the statement, "I am over my ex. I have moved on and I will not look back."

 

For me, it would apply. My ex has not made it known in my community that we are done. Considering her public rejection of me, that is significant.

 

I have not because I was living in hope and didn't want us to appear weaker to my peers if I did get back with her.

 

I think the same might apply when you think "I love them" - once you have switched that switch in your head it is very, very hard to say "now I don't love them." A one way street. A diode. Human programming.

 

Perhaps we can take this discussion further to clarify NC a little more and perhaps talk about life after NC? Could be kind of fun and who knows where it might lead?

 

Anyone else? Just PM or email me under my profile.

[Viper62382]

I understand I am doing the right thing. For myself atleast. But what about a possible future with this girl? She is calling me now, and I have not picked up. Does NC get to a point where it damages more than helps?

[Gator]

The obvious point here is that someone, who has been thinking about dumping for a while, has already moved on emotionally and is unlikely to be affected by NC other than hurt by the apparent rudeness. That would be the friendzone.

 

I think in most cases it is not so clear cut. I think the dumper wrestles with the decision. There is usually a part of them that wonders if they did the "right" thing. When you start begging and pleading for them to come back, it causes them to search for the reasons why they left you in the first place and validate them(commitment and consitency)

 

Howver, when you move on and date others, you activate scarcity AND social proof (the 3rd law, which states that when people are unsure of how to act in a particular situation, they look to others to see what they are doing and then take those clues in deciding how to act. ) You are in a sense being validated and hence seen as more desirable because other women desire and want you.

 

If the ex truly has NO desire for you anymore, then the laws are certainly moot.

[Viper62382]

When do you stop making your self sparse, and re-emerge to regain their love? The whole topic of NC has been beat down. But like stated, how about life after NC, and the methods to use it to slowly but surely to bring your ex back into your life? I truly have a desire to marry this woman. And So does she. Where and how far do I go with this, and what do I do down the road when I make contact once again?

[NJRon]

I don't know. When I break up with someone, they haven't lost any value.. nor do they gain any value when they start dating someone else. They are just as valuable to me as they were when I broke up with them... that is to say, not valuable enough to be in a committed relationship with.

[Gator]

Viper,

 

This is the paradox! IMO, you can't "use" these laws to manipulate her into getting back together with you. By truly "letting go" and "moving on" with your life, these laws are activated. If you use them in a Machiavellian sense to manipulate her into coming back with you either (a) it will be so transparent that it will come accross as needy and have the reverse effect or(b) they will work and she will come back to you, but only in the short term. Without you working on YOURSELF, the same old patterns will reemerge and she will leave you (maybe for a different ostensible reason, it really doesn't matter) and you will experience this pain and hurt all over again.

 

The key is to change from the inside, work on your inner game, TRULY forget about her. If she comes back fine, if she doesn't that is also fine.

[Viper62382]

I dont want to use this as a method of bringing her back, but knowing that NC does have a profound affect on some people, how do you use it?

[Gator]

Your missing the point! You don't use NC. Your still seeing it as a technique and not as a growing process.

[river dog]

But what about a possible future with this girl?

I thought she dumped you? She isn't genuinely trying to get back with you after a few missed phone calls. Trust me, I don't answer texts from a new date the same day. I am busy. Cell phone is switched off on shoots so it's much the same.

 

We are in the days of "I want it, I want it all and I want it now". One thing my ex said about love that I agree with 100% "If it's worth having, it's worth taking it slow."

 

Any future with you is her issue at the moment, not yours. It is this lack of control that is causing you all this anguish now. You do not have the controls so just accept it for a while.

 

You have my permission to call that hot date you had the other night.

 

P.S. - no offence, stick to your own threads on this, you are all over this forum which makes it really hard for us to follow, support or advise you.

[river dog]

He is talking about short bursts of withdrawal from her game to get her to contact him again. Same technique, different reason, different result.

 

I think we all start NC to try and get them back, secretly. If not, we bargain just to hear their voice, whatever they say. Takes a couple of weeks to realise we are reaping other, more important benefits.

[river dog]

If you use them in a Machiavellian sense to manipulate her into coming back with you...

 

You must have the ear of The Pope