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Is it me that has the problem?


Nativemetal
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Hello

 

I have been with my girl friend for over 6 years we have our ups and downs

but in recent times I worry that she is drinking to much and to often.

For a period of about 9/10 months her drinking from my point of view is excessive

When she drinks it’s to get drunk and not for social reasons

If I say nothing she will get drunk Friday Saturday and Sunday nights.

I have told her that I will not allow her to drink alcohol at all during week nights

Which she unwillingly dose follow. But she says I am bossing her around and that she can do What ever she likes.

But I hold my ground and insist that if she brings booze into the house during the week that I will thro it out the door. I really don’t want to stop her from having fun as she is only 25 years old and finished Uni 1 year ago.

 

And when she drinks on the weekend I tend to drink as well and I’m not happy about this as I tend to drink a little too much sometimes my self, but I do enjoy a drink and if others are drinking around me I find it hard to not have a drink as well.

I want to stop and I want us to stop as a couple.

There are better things in life than getting pissed.

 

I have sat her down and spoke to her about this in a calm way many times, but she just says to me that she dose not like me telling her what to do and frankly I’m tired of being the police man.

We are due to get married in October and this problem is something I would like to sort out before as I have no intension to marry a drunk.

 

Should I just let her drink when ever and as much as she likes?

Am I being to over powering?

Should I demand that she stop all together until she proves that she does not have a problem?

 

Something else that is bothering me.

A couple of weeks ago we when to my parents house for dinner, my mother offered her a glass of wine and she said to my mother that I would not let her, this was very embarrassing for me as my intension of demanding she not drink during weeknights are not aimed at taking the fun out of having a glass or 2 of wine during a meal with family or friends, but to stop her from getting drunk all the time.

From my point of view she is demonizing me and I also think that our relationship issues should be private and not for all to see.

Am I wrong? Should I ask for an apology?

Should I just shut up and let her say what ever she likes.

 

I sometime think that maybe I should just take a step back and let her make her own mistakes and maybe she will learn in her own way?

 

There are other things I find my self nagging her about like keeping the house clean and so on.

I always feel that she never takes responsibility of things unless I ask/nag her to do

I.e. doing some shopping / cleaning the house / getting her drivers license and so on.

Generally she does not nag me the way I seem to have to nag her and I’m very tired of it.

 

I would really like some opinions from outsiders

Thank you

 

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Ok first if she is getting drunk 3 nights per week that is way excessive and on most calculations she would rate as an alcoholic.

 

Unfortunately you cannot "tell" people what to do.

 

have told her that I will not allow her to drink alcohol at all during week nights

Which she unwillingly dose follow. But she says I am bossing her around and that she can do What ever she likes.

 

As much as I admire your intent, you have no right to "tell" someone what not to do, and that approach is probably just counter-productive.

 

Maybe a better approach would be to try and engage her in a discussion about her drinking habits, what she thinks of how much she drinks, does she have any concerns, why does she drink so much.

 

You certainly do have the right to decide not to be in a relationship with her because of her drinking. I think the approach you should trya nd take is "Let's work together and try and get some sort of compromise on this." rather than "demanding" she stop drinking.

 

I do see where you are coming from though.

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she's acting out of line. and what she did at your dinner with your mom was not right, that advice was taken out of context.

 

It's okay to drink socially, but getting drunk and drinking excessive is dangerous to one's health and it can become an addiction. She has to watch herself. Tell her your looking out for her health and being. Did you already tell her that it's fine to socially drink but getting drunk all the time is unhealthy behaviour? i mean it's fine once in a while, but not all the time!

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I agree with Melrich. She definitely has a drinking problem which is impacting her ability to perform necessary everyday functions. Over time this will get worse. You need to have a frank discussion with her about the issue. Alcoholics generally don't recognize that they have a problem. Your wedding is fast approaching and if I were you, I would sit down very quickly and talk this out. Her behaviour is very bad, right down to blaming you. To go ahead and marry her would be a huge mistake. If she doesn't want to acknowledge and get help for her problem, you might want to break the engagement and take a break from each other. Perhaps drastic measures is what she needs to sort herself out. If these drastic measures don't work, better to have saved yourself a lifetime of misery with an alcoholic, or land up in divorce.

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I agree with all above.

 

I think it was rude for her to try to twist your meaning around and make you look like a bad guy. She sounds like a real alcoholic. They'd say things like that to try to justify.

 

I had an alcoholic boyfriend, and it was weird because he almost never drank a drop around me. I could easily have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner, and think nothing of it but he would not (his choice). Then after a few days he'd pick a fight with me so that he could go off on drinking binges that would last from a few to several days, during which I didn't know where he was half the time. He's the one who claimed to have been 'abducted' by the FBI (that's right) when he didn't show up. Of course by the time I'd see him again his breath smelled like alcohol and you could smell it coming out of his pores so strong even when he was no longer drinking. And his eyes would be bloodshot. And I would ask if he'd got drunk and he'd always deny. And various friends would tell me they saw him at this or that tavern, and walking into or out of this or that tavern, and I'd ask him, and he'd always deny.

 

Even when you care about someone and get along with them in other ways, it can be very difficult to make a go of it with an alcoholic.

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Alcoholics often don't recognize they need help until they lose something dear to them becuase of their drinking. If you said to her: I am uncomfortable getting married unless we deal with your drinking .

She may respond. If you do mothing and allow this behavior to progress, you are enabling her. Also , this is hurting you. Acknowledging your own feelings of fear, sadness, anger might be helpful. Getting some counseling for yourself might be good. You are seeing someone you love self-destruct, that's scary. Do you want to be in a relationship where either one of you self-destructs or one where you support each other to live the best lives you possibly can?

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