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What to do?????


Wunder1n
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I have been married for almost 22 years. Have two teenage kids. One is out of High School, The other has 2 more years to go and are very independent. 3 years ago we adopted two newborn kids. Our relationship has not been too good for about 5 years or so and we have just been hanging on for the kids. She thought we should adopt, I disagreed for awhile and then gave in. Now all of her time is spent towards the kids. I knew it would happen, but I really wanted her to be happy. I am always giving in because I want her to be happy. Now, I am miserable. I had dreams of us getting closer as a couple as our time together increased. Now, I feel lonely and lost. I have talked to her many times about how I feeel. But her approach is to ignore it and go on. I need her love, but we have grown very far apart.

I know this all sounds selfish and shallow. I Love the kids and want the best for them. But what about our relationship? We have grown to have separate bank accounts because she got us into 2 bankruptcies. We seem to hang on just for the kids which I think is why she wanted more. I feel very lonely and think often about an affair. But I just can't do that! She will not go to a counselor. What advice do you have for me? I feel so alone in this. To Divorce would hurt the kids. I also think of my relationships with my family and friends. They would probably disrespect me. Do I want out? Yes I think I do, But there are too many consequences. I really need the Love though. I have alot of Love to Give.

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I don't think any of that sounds selfish and shallow. You love your kids, that's obvious. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, and I am sorry it's been so rough. The fact that she will not go to counseling and will not listen to you when you tell her how you are feeling is troubling. The obvious thing for you to do right now is to go to counseling by yourself. Counseling is not a cure-all, but it can help you see things from a more objective perspective, and will hopefully give you some clarity.

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First, you know that neither I nor anyone else can ever give you any simple answers. It just won't happen. You have spent 22 years developing your habits as a couple, and in order to change them it will take whole lot of effort. That effort, especially initially is going to have to come from you. Sounds stupid, huh? You feel like you are not getting out of the relationship what you want, and I am telling you to invest more into it? You might ask if that is like throwing good money after bad? Maybe it is, but you've got a whole lot riding on your marriage already, and you didn't come to ask questions if you were really decided on getting a divorce. Also, it is not going to be easy to build a new life for yourself after 22 years of being married.

What is going wrong for the most part in your marriage? She takes you for granted, and that happens because you let it happen. Perhaps, she feels taken for granted too. I don't know, you seem to be treated as a roommate more than a lover, and maybe you have gotten yourself into a provider role and the role of someone who asks for love. Guess what, when you ask for it, you don't get it. When you are there asking for it, you are there telling her that you are still hanging around emotionally. You are also making demands. This is what you consider this to be rightnow in your head. You are here asking if it is ok to leave because you have not gotten the attention you demanded from her. Do you see this?

So, you need to put in the effort, and that effort at first is going to be make no demands. The second thing that you will need to put effort into is to let your wife miss you. Right now when you are making demands, you are not letting her miss you. You are there for her in a sense whenever she wants. Don't be there. Be aloof, if need be find something(s) else to occupy you. In anyways, treat her like she is only your roommate. Don't say anything about it, don't let her know anything more, just be aloof, don't pour out your attention on her.

If she seems to notice it not being there and looks for it. If she then tries to give you attention, enjoy it. If not, go give her some, and ask nothing in return. In simple words, give her some love and attention, give it to her, which means not to expect that there is a this for that exchange. And then go back to being more aloof.

One other suggestion, listen to her when she talks. Put effort into it. Look at her when she is talking to you, make eye contact.

OK, that would be a start. Can you handle that?

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Beec:

I am the one putting in the effort. It doen't seem to matter to her. I have been trying to make her miss me by keeping busy doing hobby things that make me happy. I ask her to go on a weekend with me, but she would rather stay home with the kids. I buy her flowers, she loves them, but pretty much ignores who they came from. I can be more aloof, but I am still lonely. I DO talk to her into her eyes, but the moment is very short lived. Am I getting what you mean?

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I ask her to go on a weekend with me, but she would rather stay home with the kids. I buy her flowers, she loves them, but pretty much ignores who they came from.

 

No, you're not. Each of these things is asking her for something.

 

She loves the kids, and you want her to spend a weekend away from them with you. You are asking her to do something.

 

With the flowers, you give flowers to a woman when she already wants you. Not when you want her, and she is being aloof. Howeve,r you are giving her flowers as an offering of trade, aren't you? You give her flowers and expect soemthing in return? That's not really giving. When you give, give, expect nothing in return and it truly is a gift.

 

And the example of the flowers shows, she is the one who is aloof, you are the one who is not. Be aloof. Begin to act like you don't need or want her attention. Flowers are a request for her attention. They should be used to shove her over the top emotionally, when she is already close.

 

I have a good friend. Sex, sex alone is is his issue. He does not get enough. I told him to just be nice to his wife, ask her for nothing, esp. ask for no sex, and otherwise treat her as a roommate. Earlier this year, on a weekend trip, after treating her as a roommate, he was romantic (well, he screwed that up too by taking something romantic and making it a joke, but it was OK). And that weekend, he asked for nothing. He had fun, but nothing more. The last morning, he woke up showered and was twice offered sex by his wife, who never wants to have sex, before she finally told him that she would get on top and do all the work. He gave and acted like he expected nothing, and she gave back to him in turn. if you give and expect something from her in return, then you are not really giving, you are trying to make an exchange or a deal. My big problem with him is getting him to buy into it forever, because he stopped. It worked, but he wants to be right, and he stopped.

 

Now, with your family. I would not suggest weekends away without the kids. Want to impress your wife? Don't seek her attention and give yours to the kids. Send her away without you and the kids, even if for few horus, and say "Honey, I've got the kids." When she comes back, leave them and her alone. Go play golf, go fishing or do something else.

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I think Beec is onto something. Moms are already pressured enough. Sometimes we feel like: And now he wants me to give even more! You are taking her for granted that she can be all things to all people, and she is taking you for granted that you will hang around even if you are not satisfied. 22 years is a long time, a lot of investment. I can't even imagine it.

 

did you call and make the counseling appointment?

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