gf is going to Cancun Mexico for new years for a week

[Massari]

this driving me nuts.. we have been together for 3 months now. and she decided this today and then she told me she is going. she is going there with 2 of her best GFs. I dun trust them.. they are B*** who sleep around with guys. Now we have never been on a trip together and she didn't even suggested that why don't I come along. My gf is 18 turning 19 in December and it just made me feel sick to my stomach how my gf will go there where there is potential for sleeping around and kissing guys. I do not trust her cause of how younge she is. And especially her slu** friend. What do I do guys.. I feel like I can't breath.. I dunno what to do here.. my hands feel tied from behind.

[avman]

If you don't trust your girlfriend then your relationship has far more problem then a simple trip to Mexico.

 

You also seem to have a problem with control. If your girlfriend decides to cheat, there is nothing special about Mexico that makes it more or less likely. You are going to have to let go and not be so jealous that it drives her away.

[BellaDonna]

Well I can see why there would be trust issues. In one of your other posts she had lied about things having to do with her ex and virginity. But if you decided to forgive her- then you need to move on and you can't hold it against her anymore.

 

there is potential for sleeping around and kissing guys

 

Only if she desires to partake in that kind of behavior. She's a big girl and is responsible for her own actions. Her friends will not "force" her into anything. Gee.....I have friends that have done things I would never do in this lifetime.... ....they do not and have not influenced my own behavior.

 

Her friends do not count in this situation- what really counts is if you feel that SHE (as a free-thinking person) can be trusted.

 

 

BellaDonna

[jimthzz]

those mexican resort trips are by design set up for drinking a lot and getting hit on for $ex and knowing that nobody back home has to know about what you might do when you get your freak on.

 

On the other hand, she might just want a sun tan.

[chai714]

You don't trust your gf because of her gf's. Unless you've got more evidence, the mere speculation of her cheating is not reason enough for you to NOT trust her.

 

Encourage her to have a good time. Showing insecurity is an unattractive trait. Ex. woman I've been dating told me she's going to Vegas with some guy friends. I tell her, "that sounds like fun, Vegas is good times."

 

Of course I don't like hearing about things like this, but getting insecure or possessive will drive her further away.

 

Have more self-control, trust her, but always, always, always keep a look out for yourself.

[RayKay]

If she is someone whom would cheat, she would have as many opportunities to do it here. I personally would not cheat no matter what environment I am in, because that is who I am. I don't care if all my friends were doing it (not that they would be friends if they urged me to cheat...), I wouldn't.

 

She is a big girl, and can make her own decisions.

 

Are you more upset she is going with her friends, or that you are not invited along?

 

I went to Cuba a few months after my boyfriend and I started dating, the trip was planned before that, but I sure was not going to back out. Due to the circumstances (I went with my siblings, parents and he had to work and so on) he stayed at home (and booked himself for Lasik to keep busy I guess!). He totally trusted me, and I him. There was never a question of me not going, or him not allowing me too....I would of loved for him to go along, but we just planned a trip for the summer together instead.

 

My boyfriend has gone away without me too...including to Vegas. Sure, I was a bit uncomfortable because of a couple of the people he was going with, but ultimately the bottom line is I trust HIM absolutely, and encouraged and supported his trip.

 

If she is THAT easily influenced by friends, she is not the girl for you anway.

[Massari]

the reasons why I am upset

1st she didn't invite me along

2nd its our first christmas together, I have been looking forward for it for a long time

3nd she made the decision without even telling me

3th I would NEVER ever go somewhere like that without her.. hell whats the fun in that ?? like for the new years ppl kiss someone I guess she would some other guy,,

4th I find myself compromising so much more in our relationship then she does.. and many more .. ppl who have read my posts know.. these 3 months we have had so many problems.

 

I wish I could have been more like the A** hole type who wouldn't give a crap about her..but unfortunately I am not..i cherish her and love her to death..

[BellaDonna]

and she decided this today and then she told me she is going

Also keep in mind that you've been together for a mere 3 months. She does not need to consult you to make decisions or ask permission. There is nothing wrong with telling you she's going.

 

 

she didn't even suggested that why don't I come along

 

If a group of 3 female friends were going, it would seem strange for one of them to bring a guy/BF along. It's ok for her to have activities with her friends outside of the relationship.

 

Bottom line: If she wants to cheat- her friends have no influence- she can cheat in her backyard or she can do it in Cancun. Stopping her from traveling will not change a desire to cheat.

 

You should not be getting physically sick and nervous about this. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship if it is imparing your ability to breathe. Try to calm down. You must keep in mind that the situation is out of your control. If you act possessive or angry you will drive her away.

 

If you love each other then you are going to have to have faith in her commitment to you. If she goes to Cancun and cheats- then she wasn't the right girl for you to begin with. If she has a cheating mentality- giving her grief for going on a trip won't change anything. She could find someone in her own neighborhood to cheat with if that's what she really wants to do.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

Masari, she's a young woman, she needs to have some experiences with you. She needs some freedom. If she was going to cheat, she would do it now.

 

Let her go, in fact, tell her to go. Then tell her that if she does cheat, she needs to let you know, so you can be free for someone who won't.

[Gracelove]

Maybe you should discuss the trip with your girlfriend, ya know, let her know how you feel.

Without, of course, calling her friends, unpleasant names.

 

Your relationship is new, so there is still a lot you guys have to learn about each other.

 

Maybe she's used to having trips or spending special time with girlfriends.

 

If you want to spend time with her during the new season/New Years, then discuss that with her.

 

You have to be open and considerate in relationships. You'll also have to compromise from time to time, and the two of you can reach a decision together.

 

I do know that relationships vary as due people. Some people believe that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is just like dating.

If you want to go to the movies, or dinner, then that person is there for things of that nature.

And that person also has priorty over any other people you might be dating.

 

I personally view a boyfriend to be someone you are in a committed relationship with, but that's just my perception.

 

Depending upon the way you and your girlfriend percieve girlfriend/boyfriend relationships to be; you may or may not have to worry about her kissing other guys while in Cancun.

 

If you are both on the "same page" in regards to what "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" really is, then you shouldn't have any reason to worry.

 

Unless that is, she isn't trust-worthy.

 

And if you can't trust her, then you don't really have a stable relationship to begin with.

 

And if you want to stay with her for the long run, then you need to discuss the trust issues.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I can see why you might be upset about her just going ahead and booking the trip without telling you. But she is going with her girlfriends so I do not think she is going to invite you. She did not mention the trip at all before she booked it? She did tell you that she was thinking about it or planning it at all?

 

I am sure things will be fine. Just because the types of girls she is going with does not mean she will do anything wrong. You have to trust her to do the right thing. Either you trust her or you don't.

[Massari]

She did not mention the trip at all before she booked it? She did tell you that she was thinking about it or planning it at all?

 

she did mention it before but every time it gave me a headache so I though she wouldn't actually go..

[RayKay]

she did mention it before but every time it gave me a headache so I though she wouldn't actually go..

 

Well, I think that was your opportunity to discuss it then, but she obviously DID make attempts to talk to you about it beforehand. You can't assume she would then decide not to go because of this.

 

It's not a positive sign if you get "headaches" everytime your partner talks to you about something that you are concerned about though...ignoring things does not make them go away, you know?

[kellbell]

I hate to say it dude but you goofed. She brought it up many times and you did want to hear about it. I suspect you assumed because you got headaches about talking about it, she would not book the trip. Sorry my friend, it does not work that way. She most likely kept you in the dark about it because of your feelings towards the whole trip. This is a consequence for not talking about things. Sometimes it is not easy talking about matters that make you uncomfortable but you have to, that is what being in a relationship is all about.

 

You have no choice at this point but to let her go on this trip. Sweeping it under the rug was not the way to go. Take this as a learning experience.

[Massari]

ok this is what she said. she said "do you wanna come?" nothing is gonna happen there but if you wanna come .. come, cause I am going"

[melrich]

So in fact she told you about the trip and asked if you wanted to go. So really it should not be a problem?

[avman]

So now I am not getting what you are so upset about. She asked you to come with her.

[Beec]

Massari, let her go on the trip without complaining.

 

I recently read an article about a man and when he knew he was going to marry the woman he did marry. He said it was when he was on a beach somewhere in Mexico, I think, and she was in the U.S. in Midwest. She had basically insisted that he go to Mexico to go surfing wiht his friends, and standing there, in large part because she told him to go, he realized she was the one for him. It could work for you. Nothing else will work as well.

[chai714]

Big picture: She's 18, likely won't be your last girlfriend ever, wants to experience life which involves being wild and getting the party phase out of her system.

 

You might be a bit more serious than she is right now. While she's gone, keep your butt busy or plan a trip yourself with the guys. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have fun too.

[Massari]

So in fact she told you about the trip and asked if you wanted to go. So really it should not be a problem?

 

she told me this after our little argument, she didn't tell me this from the beginning.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Something like that happened to me. When I was dating my ex, my girlfriend and I wanted to go somewhere and we decided on New Orleans. Of course my ex and her finace were invited. But both declined to go. So we booked the trip with just the two of us. I am sorry, I am not going to duck out of a trip with my friends because my significant other does not want to go.

 

Why don't you both plan a nice getawy weekend in the near future?

[Rabican]

Is this the same girl that had a bunch of guy friends that wanted to be 'more than friends'?

 

Sounds like you still have some serious trust issues there man. If she is doing stuff that is breaking, or has broken that trust then you need to deal with that. But if you are going to start freaking out when she wants to go on vacation, or telling her what FEMALE friends she can hang with... that relationship is doomed.

 

Im sure she doesnt want to be in a relationship where you are being her babysitter. and im sure you are tired of being on level 5 security feeling like you cant trust your girl. So you really need to figure out where all this mistrust is coming from and either fix it, or call it quits and move on.

 

You cant go through this forever, always not trusting her not letting her have friends, wanting to control her etc. just to do so. If she has done something to warrant scrutiny, then thats fine. (example) if you find some email of her telling a guy she wants to sleep with him then obviously you have reason for concern. However, if she says hey im going on vacation and you need to freak out about it.... then your relationship is already doomed in my opinion.

 

Theres a difference between you being controlling, and careful. Try to figure out where you need to be.

[Rabican]

You don't trust your gf because of her gf's. Unless you've got more evidence, the mere speculation of her cheating is not reason enough for you to NOT trust her.

 

Encourage her to have a good time. Showing insecurity is an unattractive trait. Ex. woman I've been dating told me she's going to Vegas with some guy friends. I tell her, "that sounds like fun, Vegas is good times."

 

Of course I don't like hearing about things like this, but getting insecure or possessive will drive her further away.

 

Have more self-control, trust her, but always, always, always keep a look out for yourself.

 

Being controlling is one thing, and yes its not an attractive trait. However I would question the whole situation of your girlfriend, wife, fiance etc. going to vegas with some guys and staying at a hotel with them WITHOUT YOU. I guess if you arent exclusive, then whatever... but I wouldnt be ok with that if my girl said hey im going to vegas next weekend with some guy friends and your staying home to feed the cats.

That sorta thing would be a deal breaker for me. Dont be controlling, but your SO should respect your relationship enough to know when to draw the line.

[Massari]

Rubican.. thank you so much, you actually know who I am talking about here, yes this is my gf the same girl.. the same one with mind games.. the same one with the guy friends.. the same one who likes seeing me jealous and mad over this stuff and once she sees the relationship in danger she put herself together and acts normal again. then when things are great she does the same again...

 

the trip is no longer a problem for me, the problem is exactlty what you mentioned, its some kinda paranoia that I have I think. but when I start talking to her seriosly that I have concerns about our relationship ( my concern doesn mean that I don't love her or I don't want to be in this relationship anymore) I just want to make it better so I can actually enjoy it rather then have this high alert level 5 which is disturbing to say the least!! like sometimes I can't sleep till I get a phone call from her. maybe this all has to do with the stuff that has happned the guys calling her and she never told them to back off till me and her had a really bad argument and this is when she does it. I really wanted her to make that decision rather I tell her to do that through headache and all. plus something happened in the first week of our relationship that I am still effected by that.. maybe not a big deal maybe it is. here is a short recap. I was invited with my sister to a friends house for some fun poker I asked my gf to come with me she said no cause I don't know your sister and I feel really uncomfortable not knowing anyone except you. so I agree.. I am there having fun the she calls me she says this guy who she used to date for a week kissed her.. !!!! me and her were in the car 2days before that and he called her and they talked about cell phones so I am like.. who is he? she told me who he is and I said I dun like his intentions I know persian guys and I am persian too, so I told her I appriciate it if you minimize contact with him. so here she tells me that night he calls her tell her there is a party at his place and she goes there, there is no party and they are watching TV in his room he makes a move and kisses her and she backs off, she is mad at him she leaves the house and she calls me and tells me what happened. now my state in that time was pretty F*** just broken up with my ex whom was my first gf btw, so I was starting to develop feelings for my new gf and look what happens." I was mad and very close to breaking it off right there she comes back crying that she is sorry and give me another chance. I know this s while back but somehow I am still effected by that. I have a tendency for being hurt by women in my relationship maybe cause I am too nice to them I dunno what is it. but yea this little background might help you Rubican and kellbell to help me figure out why I feel this insecure toward her and sometimes I feel like I dun trust her even 1%. but with all that being said. she is constantly on the phone with me. so I know where she is and what she is doing all the time but I want to be able to relax and not wonder what she is doing when I am not on the phone with her 24/7

[craving_normalcy]

Here's the deal...

 

She wants to go with her friends, not you. When you pressured her and pitched a fit about it, she RELUCTANTLY asked if you wanted to go along - probably just to shut you up. She's 18, she's young, and you've only been together 3 months - she does NOT have to consult you before making any decisions, nor does she need to 'invite' you along just to ease YOUR mind. That's really selfish of you to think she should DO these things.

 

From what I've read about your relationship, it sounds like you've got more issues than just this trip. You don't trust her for whatever reasons...you are making yourself PHYSICALLY ILL over this? That's just messed up. You need to re-evaluate WHY you are in this relationship and what your expectations are when it comes to dating someone.