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Causing Problems?


Day_Walker
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I was asking a friend the other day who is also a member of Enotalone, if he thought it was possible that this site was the cause of any relationship tension. Now there could be many reasons for the tension, maybe this site is kept secret from your partner, too much time on the site, your significant other found the site and questioned what you posted or pretty much anything.

 

The general question is has enotalone caused any tension in your relationship or previous relationships?

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I've never had the forum cause any problems in my relationship, though I could see the potential for it if members became addicted to the site as you mentioned.

 

I think it could be dangerous if people brought all of their relationship problems to this site and tried to guess "why" their partner acts a certain way, etc- instead of communicating with their partner directly.

 

BellaDonna

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I'm sure this site would have caused me a load of problems, if my ex had found any of my posts about our relationship troubles. That's why I wrote under a secret screen name and didn't leave this site in my Internet history. Keeping this secret from him didn't cause any tension for me, because I don't see it as being much different than having a confidential convo about our troubles with a close girlfriend.

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My last boyfriend knew about my involvement with eNotalone. He thought it was really cool, he called giving advice "my hobby."

 

Of course, he's not the boyfriend I had when I first came to eNotalone, that boyfriend probably wouldn't have been too thrilled to read the things I wrote about him, lol. But by the time I started dating my last boyfriend, I was more involved with eNotalone to the point I was participating on other people's threads, rather than posting about my own issues.

 

Now, if I was on here 24/7, he probably would have been concerned that I was spending too much time on the Internet instead of with him. I could see where that might cause tension, too. But, I kept (and still do) most of my eNotalone use during the daytime when he was at work.

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My partner found me on this site pretty early on in the relationship (damn you google!) and did not really understand it or anything. But, he is quite respectful of it being "my place" and everything.

 

There have been times he "worried" about what I might put here, though his worries were calmed. I think for a while he felt a bit..hmm..like I was here to talk to people as I could not "talk to him on that level". Not that I could not share with him my feelings, but I think he felt "less intelligent" or something..which of course was not true, and I am unsure why he thought that but it related to his own insecurities...and we worked through that.

 

I however make a very conscious effort to not choose to be here instead of spending time with my partner, we only have limited time together as is with work/school/hobbies that it's important I focus that time we do have together on him. I have a feeling it may be more difficult to be here however due to that when I return to school in a couple weeks as my schedule will be greatly changed in terms of the time I have for my hobbies and family...and my family and some of my other hobbies, as well as school/work have to take priority.

 

And you may also note I don't about him/us on here overall, I post more in response to others than about myself. We have our conflicts of course now and then - we aren't PERFECT! But he is the first one I talk to about to resolve them. If they did not get resolved, I would come here and talk to some of the members I talk to via PM perhaps, but I tend to leave things like that off the forum.

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This site HAS cause some problems in my relationship though for different reasons than the ones you mentioned as possibilities. Reading the Breaking Up and Getting Back Together forums really caused stress on my relationship. Other forums did to but not as much.

 

It really had more to do with my OWN insecurities than anything else but there was a time where I personalized posts to the point where it started causing problems in my relationship. If someone's boyfriend was a cheat mine must be too.. If someone got dumped I must be next.. It made me an insecure mess. That doesn't happen anymore though.. We've reached a good spot.

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No problems/tension here.

 

He doesn't get what I get out of being here, but he respects that I do get something reasonably positive out of it, so he's cool with it.

 

If we (here on the board) happen to create an especially funny/clever thread I think he'd enjoy, I share it with him, and there are folks I PM with or who are on the RM/Mod team that I talk about often enough that my husband sorta knows them.

 

While I have gone into personal details of my own life on the public parts of the board, I do try to keep details of his personal life out of my posts out of respect for his privacy. It's one thing if I choose to divulge details of past relationships or misdeeds of mine....but since my husband hasn't chosen to participate in this board (or anything similar), I assume he doesn't want a lot of his "stuff" on here...so, I avoid it.

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The biggest potential issue that I see for my situation is my viewpoints. I believe in disclosure so it would only be a matter of time before she finds out my viewpoints and if she couldnt take them then, oh well.

I can see how this site could cause problems because of the material that I see posted on here some of it would be detrimental to a relationship. However if I was on the other side, I would encourage the person to continue posting and helping people or giving advice or whatever it was that they did since they obviously enjoyed doing it.

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A site per se can't really cause problems - it'll just point to problems that are there.

 

When I was living with X, I spent a lot of time in different forums. It wasn't his style of communicating, but he accepted that it worked for me. Even when he knew I was posting about issues I had with him (well, esp. with the way he handled his family) he knew I was careful to keep things relatively anonymous, and he saw that I was getting constructive help.

 

The only time an internet site caused problems was when I checked something personal on his work computer ... and accidentally clicked a link that cached a couple of porn slideshows in his browser files. I told the IT guy about it myself and asked for help being sure everything was clean, so no trouble for X, but still.

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I think it might have helped my relationship a bit... However I would be really embarrassed if she found out I was on it! (hence fake name, no photo, no age, no location) Mainly because of the questions I sometimes ask on it though, and what I say about her (nothing bad) and also because I don't want her to think I need advice, except from her of course!

 

Also, most of the advice seems to be very positive, tho I've only read a few of the Forums (no visits to "Break up" or "Divorce" forums), but when giving advice people always put a positive spin on things rather than "He's cheating on you" or "She's a * * * * *, dump her!" or whatever

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