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Keuro
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My BF is american and I'm European... so if I want to stay with him indefinitely in the States, I need to either get married to him or win the green card lottery...

 

He said the other day that he will never get married, ever... I was worried because getting married is almost the only option for me to be there with him... and so I told him about it, he didnt have an answer for it.. he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to get married ever.

 

What should I do? I've been thinking of giving up... I want to get married to the man I love eventually, too...

 

We've been together irl 2 times, both over 2 weeks, and known each other close to 2 years

I'm not asking him to marry me, I was just stating that's almost the only way for me to stay in the States legally...

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Keuro,

 

Sorry honey, but if he is saying after two years he does not want to get married "ever", even if he may one day change his mind...it is very clear that he is saying he does not want to get married to you. Especially given the green card issue, to me it is also saying that he does not see being with you in person in the long term.

 

I think you have to decide what is important to you...and I imagine it is important not necessarily you are married, but that you get to live a life and a relationship IN PERSON with the one you love (and yes, perhaps choose to get married together). And he is basically saying here that that is not going to happen.

 

2 years is long enough for him to know, and you to know what the future together is...and it seems to me your futures are not on the same wavelength.

 

I would say it's time to go your own way, unless you are happy seeing him only 2 weeks a year, for the rest of your life.....or until he meets someone else.

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unfortunately, I agree with raykay.

 

let's say he wanted to be with you forever, but did not believe in marriage. he would STILL need to marry you (if only on paper alone) to keep you in the country. or he would need to move to europe.

 

if he doesn't want to marry you, then you know you can't stay in the US, so unless you want to move to the US anyways, it looks like things are over in your relationship.

 

I think you should have a serious talk with him about the state of your relationship. Do tell him that the only way for sure you can stay in the US is to get married, and if that is not what he wants, then it is better to part ways.

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in that case, time for a serious talk. if he wants to be with you, he needs to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak.... either he moves to europe to be with you, or he marries you so you can stay in the US.

 

it would be ridiculous for you to come to the US to play the "lottery game" because if this man allegedly loves you, and you moved to be with him, why won't he marry you? that is what the INS agents will say to you. how embarrasing is that?

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If he wants to be with you forever, yet won't marry you... I just don't get that at all. Especially in this case where the legal aspect of marriage would be so beneficial.

 

This is one of those rare instances where you need to put your foot down and make an ultimatum. If you say you want to eventually marry the man you're with, and he is saying he will never get married. I think you need to listen to him there and realize that you need to find a man that wants to get married.

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Did he say why he will never marry. Because I notice he did not just say he would not marry you but that he would never get married.

 

Right, but in my experience that usually means they won't marry you. They may feel they will never get married, but I have seen enough men whom professed this to get married when they suddently met the "right girl".

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I think you need to have a serious talk with him about this marriage thing.

 

I am in the same situation as you except that he is in Mexico and I am in Europe. Neither of us are very keen on marriage in general and I would probably not be thinking of marriage if I was dating someone in my own country.

However, in your case (and mine)...marriage can be the only way to eventually be able to live together.

 

Maybe what he means is that he does not want to get married for religious reasons, or moral reasons, or social pressure reasons (that would be my reasons not to get married). However, he might agree on marrying you if it is the only way to share a life with you and be fully committed to you.

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Right, but in my experience that usually means they won't marry you. They may feel they will never get married, but I have seen enough men whom professed this to get married when they suddently met the "right girl".
I know people who have done that but also know people who just won't get married period. Some neighbours for instance who say they feel marriage would wreck their relationship, and another guy at work who owns property and is worried about losing it in a divorce.

 

If one person insists on marriage and the other insists on no marriage the relationship is doomed unless one gives way and harbours no resentment.

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For my relief, my BF and I have talked, and he said:

"I said that because I was upset. I can't possibly know something like that for sure."

So I told him that I didnt want to plan or decide or future right now, I just wanted to know that it'll be there when the moment is right, and he said

"I don't know what the future holds, but I'd like to believe there's a chance. Isn't that why we're still talking?"

"Should the opportunity arise, I hope so."

 

It's a relief to me, but I'm still worried, I guess there's a long way to be together still...

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You are 23 years old, honey. Two years is a lifetime at your age and should not be spent wasting away for a man who cannot or willnot give you what you need for whatever reason.

 

 

Give him the ultimatum, but be prepared for the worst. He seems to be pretty set on what he wants (or dosen't in this case). I hate it, but you are young. This is the time in your life that you are supposed to be figuring out what it is that you need in a relationship to keep you for the rest of your life... Can you live the rest of your life with only 2 weeks on intamicy a year??

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For my relief, my BF and I have talked, and he said:

"I said that because I was upset. I can't possibly know something like that for sure."

So I told him that I didnt want to plan or decide or future right now, I just wanted to know that it'll be there when the moment is right, and he said

"I don't know what the future holds, but I'd like to believe there's a chance. Isn't that why we're still talking?"

"Should the opportunity arise, I hope so."

 

It's a relief to me, but I'm still worried, I guess there's a long way to be together still...

 

to be honest with you.... those don't sound like incredibly reassuring statements to me, especially not from a man who has been with you for 2 years and claims to love you.

 

let me translate man-speak:

 

"I don't know what the future holds, but I'd like to believe there's a chance. Isn't that why we're still talking?"

 

means.....

 

"i don't want to get married, but maybe i might change my mind in the future. yeah, there's a chance of that happening. there is also a chance of a giant meteor hitting the earth tomorrow, and of a polar bear showing up at my door holding a mango. anything can happen. i don't know what the future holds."

 

I agree with vandgsmom. how much longer are you willing to wait for a man who may or may not want to spend the rest of his life with you? so far it's been 2 years. how long are you willing to wait?

 

"Should the opportunity arise..."

 

excuse me? this isn't something that will happen by accident. to make the "opportunity arise", you have to buy a very expensive transatlantic plane ticket, and let me tell you ... that doesn't happen by accident. it is something that must be set in motion. he cannot sit around and make it sound like he is "waiting for fate." there is no fate here. just action.

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I've known him for almost 2 years from an online game, we've been together as couple since 4 months ago. Not 2 years as a couple.. sorry for not making that clear.

 

Also, I think I'm his first serious GF... and the first GF ever in 15 years.

He said he'll be the one to come over to Europe for our next meeting, and he also agreed on me coming over on an extended stay (3+ months) sometime next year, I honestly think you're all right, but I think he thought I was just pushing him too much into the marriage issue, and that scares him off too much.

From now on, I'll try to just let things flow more on their own...

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