ex is in town and i'm having a hard time. :(

[joyce1412]

i need to vent about something just to get these crazy feelings off my chest.

 

well, it's been 4 months since my breakup. i just found out a couple days ago that my ex will be in town for over a month. he's a musician so under normal circumstances he's gone almost all the time...but now he's on a long break, and in his apartment less than ten minutes from me.

 

it's been very difficult, and i've been mentally going to places i hadn't gone in a long time. i feel like i see him on every street corner. i wonder what he is doing, now that he is located mere minutes from my house. i even wonder if he'll finally come around and come into my work, like he once said he would months ago (before he came clean about only wanting to be "friends" ). see, that's the thing...it's bringing about so much hope in me in ways that i never anticipated feeling again. every time my phone rings a part of me really thinks it's him. before i hadn't checked his website or anything...now i'm doing that, googling his band, all the bad stuff that i had sworn off long ago. there's a part of my head that thinks that since he is back in town for a while (his constantly being gone was one of the main reasons he broke it off with me), he'll have time to miss me, be reminded of me and the places we used to go, and realize his mistake. and there's a small part of me that longs for this more than anything.

 

yet at the same time, my emotional moments are more intense. the times where i feel like crying are more frequent. this morning i woke up angry as HELL about the way he broke up with me and the things he said...if i had seen him at that moment i would have wanted to punch him! yet hours later i can find myself thinking, "maybe we'll get back together?" it's so stupid. i wish he hadn't been so good to me in our relationship so that i could say "good riddance!" to a guy who has caused me SO much hurt in these months. that's the hard part: reconciling the person whom i genuinely used to think was the best, kindest, most moral person i knew, with the person i've experienced lately. some moments i think to myself, "he's horrid, i'm never speaking to him again," and other moments i think, "i could forgive him."

 

it's completely irrational. i'm thinking only with my heart and not my head. i'm even ashamed to be admitting all of this because i've tried so hard to give off an aura of "who cares, screw him, his loss." also, i think i have a very good understanding of the situation and why he is likely to never come back. i am the first to admit that he has shown me NO SIGNS of wanting to be together again. my rational mind comprehends this. and anyway, if i were in someone else's shoes and i heard this story coming from someone else i would tell that girl to toughen up and never think about this guy again. but here i am.

 

thanks to anyone who read this, feedback is appreciated. and NO, i am NOT going to break NC no matter how bad it gets.

[HOPELESSINCT]

I know exactly how you feel. It's only been a little over a month for me and I have kept the NC going but truthfully, I think that if I did have contact, he would want nothing to do with me. I live a a small town and I see my X almost once a week. Either passing on the highway or in town but each time, I just act like I don't see him. It breaks my heart cause I'm doing just what you are. I'm thinking the same things and remembering the person that I fell in love with. That good, kind, loving, your the only one for me, I've searched lifetimes for you person. I tend to forget the ugly, mean, very cold person that dumped me. Why do we do this? I don't know.

 

Last night, after a full day of crying, non-stop, I dragged my sorry butt into the shower, got dressed and headed to our local WalMart to pick up a few things. I was kinda proud of myself that I was doing something other than sitting around crying. On the way, called my mom to see if she needed anything and was still on the phone with her heading into the parking lot and as I pulled in, there was his jeep. I lost it. Starting crying again and my poor mom didn't know what to do. I froze. I couldn't get out of the car. I couldn't stop crying. I decided to leave and as I'm heading down the highway to go home, he came flying pass me. I was a mess and still am.

 

I wish I had words of wisdom to share with you because I believe that your heart is where mine is right now. All I can say, is that you are not alone. I wish for you what I have been wishing for me. An understanding and some peace within myself that if this were meant to be, it would be. Nothing I can do or say will make him come back. So I have to grieve, move forward with my life and hope someday that I can look back on this and know that it was the right thing and it was meant to be this way. I will say a prayer for the both of us today. Best Wishes.

[jue]

hi joyce.

everything you said you feel and think its like your reading my thoughts,your break up as been the same amount of time as mine..

he also was good to me in our relationship.did anything i wanted always out to please me..then it went sour two months before he left .i know im not the easiest person to live with with..i was mean ,and i if i were him i would have thought i didnt care either..anyway sorry for rambling bout me..

 

i really dont know what to say except your not on your own,i know its hard but im sure you will get there..i would say hope is a killer just like loneliness..well done you for sticking to nc.i have no doubt that is hard..

sorry i have no words of comfort for you ,just to say im thinking of you

[Rainz]

I just felt like I had to respond to this thread.

 

Joyce where you're at I've also been going through over these recent weeks and months, it has been lessebning with NC I have to say.

Thought for me, I'm so glad I don't have to go through bumping into my ex locally around town etc.....there is a nice distance between me and him, our mutual friends too.

I've experienced what it's like in a past break up, bumping into the ex more than I would have liked and it really can interfere.

 

I understand how difficult it is letting go as well when your ex was good, kind, etc didn't mistreat you during the relationship. I can relate to that with my recent ex. He didn't at all mistreat me during the relationship, the only really horrible part was the breaking up, it makes it so much harder.

 

Like what Hopless sais I too end up looking at the facts, if it was to be, it would be and it isn't so what can you do but try your hardest to keep going forward and not looking back, as hard as it is.

[valenski]

Now that you've got all that off your chest, you feeling better now? Hope you do because its easy to see that you really cared about this guy and probably still do.

[joyce1412]

thanks guys, i do feel somewhat better getting that off my chest, but especially since no one berated me for being weak about certain things.

 

it's weird...it's actually not hard for me to stick to NC. yeah, i feel the impulse to break it MORE these days, thinking it will bring him back to me, but it's a very fleeting feeling. i know he'll be uninterested in me as a girlfriend. all he wants is to make me his "friend," which probably means he'll want to hang out once or twice to feel better about himself and wean himself off me and then he'll go back to being just fine and dandy without me, maybe even seeing other girls because he's cleansed himself of his guilt and of me. i HATE that he wants to be friends. as if i'd really be okay having that as a consolation prize for my failed relationship. it disgusts me like nothing else. just him broaching the subject made me want to laugh in his face in disbelief...and then punch him for being such a dolt. just the fact that he went there is so unbelievably insulting to me.

 

i did really care about the guy, i loved him SO much. now i still care, but i don't think it's love. some days i get obsessed with his band failing or him somehow getting a taste of his bad karma because i'm just so hurt. it can't be love if i wish ill for him. it's just obsession. sometimes i feel like i must want him back just so the pain of being rejected will go away. since the breakup i've wanted him so badly, but i don't think i love him. i'm sure i could fall in love with him again, though. before him i never could have thought that i could wake up with the same person every day and still find him more attractive than anyone i'd seen, and love him more every day. and i know he felt that way about me at one time, and i just wonder where we went wrong that he stopped feeling that way. or where i went wrong.

 

why did he only have to be horrible to me when we broke up and be so great the rest of the time? and why did he need to be horrible at all?

[HOPELESSINCT]

why did he only have to be horrible to me when we broke up and be so great the rest of the time? and why did he need to be horrible at all?

Again, this is exactly what I have been thinking and you are right, why did he? These are questions I want to ask my X but just like you I'm sticking to the NC rule. Up until the day he dumped me, that morning when I spoke to him, he answered the phone saying "Good Morning Sweetie!" This is the stuff that's making me nuts.

 

I don't think there is an answer for it and if there was, would it make us feel any better knowing. Would an explaination make it hurt any less? Would it erase the fact that it happened in the first place? I really, honestly don't think so.

 

My mom keeps telling me that "everything happens for a reason" I'm trying to keep that in mind when I start thinking about the horrible stuff he said. Maybe a higher power could see what I couldn't see and felt it was time for me to see the real person.

 

I don't know and I'm sorry for the rambling, just hang in there and try to move forward, as I will, instead of revisiting the past. I'm sending you a hug, (((((hug))))) cause that is what I miss the most right now. Hope it helps. Best of Luck and remember, you are not alone!

[joyce1412]

I don't think there is an answer for it and if there was, would it make us feel any better knowing. Would an explaination make it hurt any less? Would it erase the fact that it happened in the first place? I really, honestly don't think so.

 

you're right. i guess i just wonder how someone who was normally so kind (and who actually used to be very concerned with having "good karma," believe it or not) could be so cruel. basically, how do you do this to someone and still sleep at night?

 

i've taken people i love for granted, sure. i've even dumped someone who liked me very much, maybe even loved me, because i couldn't return the feelings. but i don't think i could put someone through what he put me through even if i detested that person. and if it was a person whom i had loved and been with until recently...shoot. i just couldn't ever do it.

 

i mean, god, if it was about getting me to go away, all you have to do is TELL someone "i don't want to be with you" and stick to your guns if she chooses to beg and plead. that's all. he knew i was still so in love...it just baffles me that you'd do that to someone who cared for you so much, no matter how YOU felt about her at the time. it's called respect. it's called kindness.

 

it just has me wondering about human decency, or lack thereof. you know? and sorry of this offends anyone, but i have yet to see in my life a male who can break up with a girl with any amount of decency and generosity. ugh.

[moonflowers]

I have a feeling that, try as he might, there's really no way to break up with someone with "kindness," so to speak. My ex is a good (albeit lost/immature) person at heart, and he knew how much I loved him, so it devastated him to break up with me - which still drives me nuts. Why would he dump someone if he knew it was going to take him apart too??

 

I can totally sympathize with what you're going through - I also can maintain NC effortlessly, but for some reason the thought of him just won't leave me. I can't help but remember all the times he was so sweet to me, even though I know right now I'm probably never going to see him again at this rate.

[need2bme]

Joyce:

 

My ex-GF CONTINUES to speak about how things should be amicable, she will always love me, we should be friends, why should it be harsh, she still cares about all the exes as people, etc.

 

CR*P, I say! How can someone just turn it off and want to just be friends. I am beginning to think all of the people on here are right. It is her way of dealing with it that doesn't hurt so much. Even if she doesn't mean to, she is using me. To have me around to talk to and joke with, allows here to see me, but STILL not be my GF. If you don't want me, leave me alone already.

 

Of course, we let it happen, because we still want them. I am a little better today, but I certainly know where you are coming from, in that I still want to cry from time to time. Recently, that may have something to do with the fact of what happened when I went home.

 

It just felt so nice, being with her and in her arms and in my house with my stuff and so on.

 

I don't know how to FULLY let go yet, either. I still have the apartment with her and will have to deal with moving my stuff out. Also, as i just started this new contract, we have a few mutual bills we are catching up on. I should just make sure we don't have mutual bills and go NC, until I have to get down there and move stuff out.

 

I know in my heart that I keep my stuff there because I don't want her to live with nothing, but I also know it keeps us attached.

 

Talk about being sad...

[joyce1412]

CR*P, I say! How can someone just turn it off and want to just be friends. I am beginning to think all of the people on here are right. It is her way of dealing with it that doesn't hurt so much. Even if she doesn't mean to, she is using me. To have me around to talk to and joke with, allows here to see me, but STILL not be my GF. If you don't want me, leave me alone already.

 

Of course, we let it happen, because we still want them. I am a little better today, but I certainly know where you are coming from, in that I still want to cry from time to time. Recently, that may have something to do with the fact of what happened when I went home.

 

i agree 100% with your first paragraph. if you think i'm so great, and are so desperate to "hang out," then why did think it was a great decision to leave me and break my heart? and how could you expect any kind of relationship with someone whose heart you broke?

 

however, i disagree with you in that i am SOOOOO never going to be his friend. i will never be his buddy. the breakup screwed up a lot of things in my head, but one thing i feel that i've always been sure of is that if he is going to reject me as a girlfriend and hurt me, i will NEVER emotionally invest in him as a friend and settle for that much less than a real relationship. never. because you're right, he would be using me. using me not only to feel better about the breakup, but about himself. my time and sanity would be compromised.

 

i know he thinks i am funny, kind, fun, and supportive of him, which is why he wants to be my friend. aside from his band members and his family, i really was his only true friend, given that he really hasn't retained any close friends from childhood or even college. and i was a wonderful friend to him. but i'll be damned if i give him that without any commitment and after he was so cavalier with my heart. if he's unhappy or feels that something is missing in his life in my absense (and i know that's a big IF), it's his OWN DAMN FAULT.

 

well, the past couple of days have actually been better. with a difficult roommate and the experience a fender bender today (my fault, UGH), i actually have REAL, immediate problems to deal with that keep me from focusing on my ex. so while life has been sort of crappy lately, ironically, it's given me a vacation from focusing on my ex. i almost feel relieved that things aren't going well in other areas of my life because i feel so distracted from the breakup sadness! how sad, that i need things to go badly to feel normal again.

 

i'm less and less bothered about my ex being in town. i've stopped focusing on running into him in town everywhere i go, although there were a few times when i thought it was him coming through the door at my work. i don't know...maybe until i hear that he has a new girlfriend, some part of me will still think about his return, even if i desire it less and less as time goes on.