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Newbies, listen to what you hear, here!


Gator
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Just a little advice to all the newbies here.

 

I know when I came here 3 weeks ago, I was looking for a place to find some advice on winning my ex back and find some sympathetic ears. Most of the responses to my posts kept telling me the same thing, no contact and there are no magic words or things that you can do that will make your ex run back into your arms.

 

One thing that took me a little while to grasp is that no contact is NOT a tactic to win your ex back. It MIGHT have that result as a side effect, but the primary reason you go no contact is to get on with your life.

 

You grieve your loss, its ok to be sad, its ok to cry, but don't do these things on your ex's shoulder. It will only push them away further.

 

Post your thoughts here, cry here, talk to your friends and family. Get out of the house, exercise more (this is a huge one, even long walks help) and most of all stop thinking about what your ex is doing right now.

 

It doesn't matter anymore, they are not part of your life anymore. Before you came into the picture, your ex had an entire life without you. Now that you have left, your ex will continue to have a life without you. BUT, the same holds true for you. You had a life before your ex, and you will have a life after your ex.

 

Take this opportunity to grow as a person. Become a better man or woman, read some books that you have been meaning to read, do things that you have been wanting to do (its ok to enjoy being alone), meet new people, date again when you are ready.

 

And again I want to stress, dont do this in order to win your ex back. Do these things for YOU. Perhaps your ex will come running back to you, once you fully decide to move on. It is irrelevant!!

 

There is nothing that you can do that can MAKE your ex feel a certain way towards you. The only thing you can do is make yourself feel a certain way and act consistent with those feelings (YOU are over your ex, and you are going to get on with your life).

 

Listen to the veterans here, I know your think that yeah this is all well and good, but your situation is different. These ideas make sense in theory, but they dont know you and your ex. I know I felt this way, and I have a feeling that most of us do when we first arrive here. Keep reading through the posts, at some point the lightbulb will click and you will see how similar we all are.

 

To quote the great Bob Marley, "Everythings gonna be all right!

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Very accurate and very true Gator. We all come here thinking we come from a very unique situation, our ex left, we are sad, we go through frustrations, etc. but ultimately what it comes down to is we are all in the same boat and our circumstances are not all that different. Our situations parallel each other in a great capacity and no matter how much we wanted to win our ex back at the onset, they may or may not return, but we will realize we no longer want them and that them leaving "WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE!"

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Good points. It is amazing how many people here want to use NC to get their ex back. I started out doing that and it doesnt work. Or if it does, the reconciliation doesnt last long, because usually the issues concerning the breakup were never resolved or worked on. And now there is the added pressure and distrust of the other person because they broke up with you once before, what is to prevent them from doing it again.

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And now there is the added pressure and distrust of the other person because they broke up with you once before, what is to prevent them from doing it again.

 

i think that this point is really, REALLY super important to note. because i know we probably all think or thought at one time that if we could just get back together with our exes, it would be perfect...we would work out all the issues, change all our problematic habits, and bam! perfection! but sometimes, no matter how dedicated you are to making a relationship work, you can't recover from someone who has betrayed you by leaving and perhaps even worse. yeah, people CAN forgive, but getting there and more importantly learning to TRUST is no small feat and is sometimes impossible, no matter how much you'd like it to work out.

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I think this is a huge issue. You want to get back with the "idea" of your ex, not necessarily with that person as they are now, in reality. As humans, we idealize all the time and it serves a purpose in allowing us to move towards goals and keeping us motivated. The problem arises when you believe the ideal to be real.

 

In your head, you have a picture of your ex as they were at their best, in the past (usually the honeymoon phase of the relationship). The problem is that they are not that person anymore. A lot has happened since then and no matter how much you project your ideal onto them, they are not it and there is nothing you can do to make them what you want them to be.

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I think this is a huge issue. You want to get back with the "idea" of your ex, not necessarily with that person as they are now, in reality. As humans, we idealize all the time and it serves a purpose in allowing us to move towards goals and keeping us motivated. The problem arises when you believe the ideal to be real.

 

In your head, you have a picture of your ex as they were at their best, in the past (usually the honeymoon phase of the relationship). The problem is that they are not that person anymore. A lot has happened since then and no matter how much you project your ideal onto them, they are not it and there is nothing you can do to make them what you want them to be.

 

The quote above pretty much sums it up.. That is what we are all missing.. Who that person "was". Its great in knowing that's the problem, but I think its the moving past just knowing is what makes it so hard..

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It doesn't matter anymore, they are not part of your life anymore. Before you came into the picture, your ex had an entire life without you. Now that you have left, your ex will continue to have a life without you. BUT, the same holds true for you. You had a life before your ex, and you will have a life after your ex.

 

Gator,

 

For my situation ever since I can remember my ex and I have been in each other's lives.. When we were kids(4 years old) our parents hung out so she was always around.. When we started dating we were teenagers. and before that We used to give each other advice on our other relationships. So its very difficult if that person has been apart of you for just about your whole life.. I've never had to experience life without her..

 

Your post was great!! I do feel that there are some situations that are very different..

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Chedda,

 

The quote above pretty much sums it up.. That is what we are all missing.. Who that person "was". Its great in knowing that's the problem, but I think its the moving past just knowing is what makes it so hard..

 

 

I think the only way we can move past these feelings is through grieving. We have to accept that person that we want to love and be with is no more. It is almost as if that "ideal" person has died. I think you need to go through all the stages associated with grief and finally you will come to acceptance.

 

The problem that we create for ourselves is not letting go. We cling to the idea that the person still exists as we wish them to. We will not accept that the person we loved is gone. We thing if this, and if that, and if we say the right things, and if we just have one more chance, then we can conjure up that "ideal" again. I think the biggest thing is just to let go. Stop fighting yourself, grieve for the loss, but accept it as such.

 

Not easy, not fun, but necessary for growth.

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