GF lashing out at me & bipolar

[CNS9]

Hi all,

 

My girlfriend of under a year is amazing. bright, beautiful, funny, intelligent. We get along very well, sex is great, etc.

 

BUT

 

1) she's bipolar and is not in therapy or on meds

2) as a result of small depressive phases she's lashed out at me a few times with hurtful things that prey off my insecurities.

 

I know that people have mental issues and it's no reason to break up with someone, but bipolar disorder can be devastating to a relationship. I haven't been around for a deep manic or depressive phase yet, but am worried that one might come soon and she is unwilling to go on meds or be in intensive therapy to deal with her issues.

 

The lashing out is extremely hard on me. i'm a pretty sensitive and open guy who values trust and transparency in a relationship, and she's used certain deep insecurities against me when she lashes out (during the few arguments we've had). It's almost like a bout of tourette's sysndrome - she immediately regrets it, but she does it in moments of extreme insecurity (in her defense it's only happened a few times- but they were devastating to me). the worst part is, sometimes they're not even totally true- they're inflated or exagerrated to get me as hurt and angry as she's feeling at the moment.

 

I don't want to break up with her as I love her, but this is starting to affect how much i can trust her- i mean she's using my deepest insecurities as ammo against me.

 

What's a guy to do?

 

Thanks

[RayKay]

So she is diagnosed as bipolar then?

 

I would not agree that it is "no reason" to end it, I would say there is a HUGE difference between someone battling a mental health problem, taking meds, going to therapy and showing a very concerted effort to help themselves - and someone whom is NOT doing those things, and in a sense uses her mental illness as an 'excuse' for bad behaviour. Bipolar or not, it is definitely NOT right to lash out, criticize and turn things you told her in confidence for example against you.

 

I think you can gently again recommend she get into therapy/meds as you care about her, and want to help your relationship...but if she refuses, you have some big decisions to make as to the long term future of this. Without treatment, bipolar has a SERIOUS affect not only on romantic relationships (and your own emotional health) but on any future children, and so forth.

 

You can't "save her" from herself.

[DN]

I think this situation will get worse and not better and that you should insist that she see a doctor and get help or you will have to leave the relationship.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I pretty much agree with the other two posters, coming from someone who is bi-polar the longer this girl is off meds or atleast not in counseling the worse its going to get and believe me you dont want to see a major break down. Thankfully I have been able to ween myself off of medications and am now able to function day to day without them but there are still days that I lash out at people and just go into crying fits or rages and it's not intentional by any means but someone who is bi polar cant control it.

She's lucky to have a bf as supportive as you seem, I would just pretty much be up front with her and tell her that if she doesn't see a specialist then you will have to end the relationship. Im going to forwarn you it's probably not going to be pretty her reaction but it's something you have to do for yourself and for your life in the future. She could be in denial, it's not easy being told you're "crazy" but she can seriously harm herself or you, if not even physically but mentally and emotionally. Tell her how much you care about her and you only want whats best and if she still refuses then you have to make a hard but necessary decision to stay with her or not.

Good luck!

[tylercdurden2004]

So she is diagnosed as bipolar then?

 

I would not agree that it is "no reason" to end it, I would say there is a HUGE difference between someone battling a mental health problem, taking meds, going to therapy and showing a very concerted effort to help themselves - and someone whom is NOT doing those things, and in a sense uses her mental illness as an 'excuse' for bad behaviour.

 

Man I was just thinking the same thing. In fact you could have told this to my ex. She wasnt lashing out per se but she would get depressed as she said even though she wasnt diagnosed. She would start being real naggy etc. Thing is I just finally said this girl aint doing nothing about it. And that is a reason to dump someone.

[monkey1]

Yeah, I'd talk to her and tell her that you're concerned about her well-being as well as yours because you're having a difficult time with her moods. If she doesn't, then let her know that the longer the relationship goes on the more it wears you down and you're considering leaving the relationship.

 

Maybe she can go see a thearpist who can diagnose it.

 

But I agree that if someone isn't willing to take steps to take care of themselves that that can be a deal breaker.

[CNS9]

thanks for all the replies. wasn't expecting any this soon.

 

I should have been more specific. She has been on meds before but stopped taking them.

 

i think the relationship instability bothers me most- i can deal with the occasional lashing out (although it is painful) but I guess I don't know how bad it can get and honestly I don't want to find out. I think telling her that she needs to get help or else I leave is the right idea. I just need to do it in a gentle and supportive way that doesn't make her feel threatened or hurt.

[rikka]

I am torn on this one. I also have bipolar disorder, so I can empathize with your girlfriend. Remember that she cannot help her behaviour. The disorder will cause her to do things that she would not normally do, as you say - she regrets the incidence as soon as they are over. It isn't easy for her.

 

That being said, she can help her treatment. She needs to see a counsellor/therapist etc now. She needs to go back on meds, because the alternative isn't pretty.

 

I can only speak from my own experiences, but I know that it didn't matter how many people were telling me I "needed to see someone", I did not go seek help until I finally broke down totally and completely. My parents and roommate were very understanding and patient with me, I realize that now. To continue this relationship in a healthy fashion, she does need to seek professional help. But if you are going to stick by her, you have to have a lot of patience and understanding.

 

If you'd like to talk more privately about this issue, please feel free to PM me.

[nottoogreen]

Hi CNS9,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

Well, I spent 9+ years with a woman, she was diagnosed with BPD for the last 4 years of our relationship. What you describe does not match up, how you know?

 

Please provide background info on her. Family issues, abuse?

 

How long are you together?

 

Rikka, please tell us more.

[DN]

It is important to realise that although we owe a sort of moral duty to stand by and support out partners that does not mean that we have to suffer emotional or physical abuse, especially if they won't seek treatment.

 

It is often the case that people use various illnesses or problems that they have as an excuse to abuse those close to them and claim they can't help it. And sometimes that may be true but if they cannot control themselves then they may require some sort of enforced help from competent authority. But very often they are very capable of controlling themselves when around their boss who might fire them , or around police officers who might arrest them for their behaviour.

 

You can help people only if they are willing to help themselves or accept help from others.

[rikka]

It is important to realise that although we owe a sort of moral duty to stand by and support out partners that does not mean that we have to suffer emotional or physical abuse, especially if they won't seek treatment.

 

It is often the case that people use various illnesses or problems that they have as an excuse to abuse those close to them and claim they can't help it. And sometimes that may be true but if they cannot control themselves then they may require some sort of enforced help from competent authority. But very often they are very capable of controlling themselves when around their boss who might fire them , or around police officers who might arrest them for their behaviour.

 

You can help people only if they are willing to help themselves or accept help from others.

 

It isn't an excuse, but it is an explaination. So yes, if she truly has bipolar disorder, she probably cannot help her actions sometimes. I know there are times still when I start saying or doing something that I wouldn't normally do (or don't want to do). I don't mean to do them, but it "just happens", and I am medicated.

 

But very often they are very capable of controlling themselves when around their boss who might fire them , or around police officers who might arrest them for their behaviour.

 

You apparently haven't met someone in a full manic episode. Not only do they have no control over it, they don't even realize that what they are doing is "inappropriate". I am lucky enough to be diagnosed as a "type II", this means I will probably never have a full manic episode. But I have (and had) many hypomanic episodes. Before I found my currrent therapy combination, I was capable of severe harm and danger to myself and to others. While I am in it, I cannot think rationally, I don't even realize I have swung up. It is only when I am coming down form the episode that I can look back and analyze my behaviour.

 

I'll stop now for fear of derailing the thread.

 

DN is right on one thing, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. BUT you can be persistent and patient. If you love this woman and care about her wellbeing, you will continue to urge her to get help.

[DN]

Rikka - please read my post again - I said 'many'. There are varying degrees of illness and it affects some people differently from others.

 

My main point is that no one should be expected to sacrifice their own well-being for someone else, especially someone who refuses to seek help.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well some people do use it as an excuse. Some people will use whatever it is that ails them as an excuse. I have worked with people with mental disorders and issues and I can say one thing: No matter what has happened to a person, some people will use their misfortune to excuse bad behaviour, some people will not and some people will use it to motivate themselves to do better. At the end of the day your "affliction" is in no way an excuse to treat other badly and by no means a source of entitlement.

 

Some people will want to deal with someone who has a disorder others will not. Some people will have a great deal of patience others will not. But as has been stated before if someone is not willing and by that I mean put forth the effort to help themselves and try to overcome whatever negative behaviour they exhibit, then yes they cannot expect others to wait, to have patience, to fix them. Persistence and patience is all relative and it means very different things to different people.

[rikka]

Rikka - please read my post again - I said 'many'. There are varying degrees of illness and it affects some people differently from others.

 

DN, i did read your post carefully (this is a delicate subject for me). I would like to point out that you did not say "many". You may have been trying to imply it, but it isn't specifically there. But we don't need to argue semantics.

 

We do not know the specifics in this case, aside from what the OP has told us. I can only comment on what I know from my own experience as anyone else can. I have not, nor would not, suggest that someone continue through any form of abuse. Especially out of a feeling of moral duty.

 

But as has been stated before if someone is not willing and by that I mean put forth the effort to help themselves and try to overcome whatever negative behaviour they exhibit, then yes they cannot expect others to wait, to have patience, to fix them

 

This is not a behaviour, it is an illness. You would not suggest that a diabetic overcome their illness... how about someone with cancer? Bipolar disorder is a mental illness, not a behaviour.

 

I won't even talk about the excuse thing again. Even the OP did not claim that his girlfriend uses her illness as an excuse.

[CNS9]

No she does not use BPD as an excuse (she sort of is in denial), and yes she is formally diagnosed. She does have some family issues and insecurities that add to the fire. She's tried therapy before and stopped (I think because the therapist was telling her things she didn't want to hear). She refused to work with the therapist because she didn't want to open up to a stranger.

 

She thinks that she has her BPD under control and she had horrible reaction to meds before (so she's scared of them) but I don't think it's under control- why else would she get into moods like she does and why would she abuse someone she loves?

 

I have to sort things out and weigh all the pluses against the negatives. Thanks everyone.

[DN]

It is often the case that people

That is what I said.

 

Rikka, the point about someone with a physical illness such as diabetes is not the the same thing at all unless the diabetic is being emotionally abusive because of it.

 

I am sorry that you suffer from this illness, just as I feel sorry for CNS9's girlfriend. But as I said, the fact that his girlfriend has that illness through no fault of her own does not mean he is at fault either. Because she has that illness she is putting him through emotional damage and he has no moral or ethical obligation to accept that.

 

Let me address another point that you made:

Before I found my currrent therapy combination, I was capable of severe harm and danger to myself and to others.

It is most unfortunate that you suffered like that - but don't you think that the others you mentioned have a right to protect themselves against the severe harm and danger that you may have done them?

 

By the same token CNS9 has the right to protect himself from harm, emotional or physical.

 

I understand that this is a delicate subject and that you wish non-sufferers to have more understanding. Perhaps you could also show the same understanding to the people who are adversely affected by the illness by simply being close to a sufferer.

[CNS9]

I'[ve been doing some reading on BiPolar disorder, and the symptoms, while applicable, aren't really a great match for her behavior. She was diagnosed at a clinic and after only a couple sessions, so I'm starting to have some doubts. Especially after finding this:

 

link removed

 

This matches her to a T. Anyone know anything about Borderline Personality Disorder?

[nottoogreen]

OK, my 2nd ex was like that, and oops, my terminology needs refinement as my post referred to Bipolar disorder as BPD

 

My second ex - I refer to her as a psychotic loser, - Was like that and got worse over the years and eventually tried to kill me with a broken beer bottle.

 

Read this link removed and the link at the end and tell use more about her.

[candy604]

she needs to see a doctor or take some medication b/c it's about her well-being and it seems to have an affect on her life. do her parents know about it?

[candy604]

link removed for bipolar symtoms, it can be quite serious, she really should get it checked out even though she doesnt' want to.

[RayKay]

This is not a behaviour, it is an illness. You would not suggest that a diabetic overcome their illness... how about someone with cancer? Bipolar disorder is a mental illness, not a behaviour.

 

Diabetics however have a responsibility to take care of their health and manage their condition and improve it. So do cancer patients. Of course they can make the choice to NOT do so, but that does not mean they get a "free for all" card to abuse others emotionally or physically. My mother whom is going through cancer treatment could of opted to not get treatment, and she can do so at anytime with our support and love, but she would not start putting us down, and blaming her illness for it.

 

I don't see mental illness in that case as being any different. They can CHOOSE not to manage it, as the OP's girlfriend is doing, but then that does NOT give them the excuse to be cruel to their partner. And their partner has every right to walk away if they are that way.

[abdodson]

Hi there I am also a young woman suffering from bi-polar disorder and my boyfriend and I went through the same thing until I finally pushed him to his wits end last week. He broke things off with me and I don't blame him because my obsessive thoughts and paranoia and jealousy robbed the good out of our relationship. The first thing that she needs to do is recognize taht she has a problem that comes along with bi-polar disorder which is being emotionally abusive (to an untreated person) I am also going with out treatment right now (not by choice) and at first I was really devestated that my bf broke things off with me, but now I can see that it was what was best for him becasue I did the same thing your gf did I would say whatever I could to make him mad and break him apart and then instantly feel sorry,guilty, ashamed afterwards. It took him leaving me to make me realize that I have a serious problem that isn't just going to disappear or go away it needs to be treated. I would say you should tell her flat out how you are feeling (in one of her good moments) tell her that you can't let her affect your own well-being and happiness, and taht you really love her, but if she refuses to help herself, then you refuse to let her treat you that way and break things off. Believe me, if she is not ready to get help, she is not ready for a relationship. I found that out the hard way but I would just suggest having a heart to heart with her to let her know how badly things are affecting you , because sometimes having a mental illness can make you a bit selfish and forget to think that other people are suffering also. I hope this helps good luck@