Trusting you gut???

[Captain34]

So I 'd like to hear what everyone thinks of trusting your gut - if you should trust your intuition that your ex is still interested and there is a chance of reconciliation...

 

I am currently 6 weeks post split with my ex, and although at times it has seemed hopeless, I still feel like there is a solid chance of getting back with her...as long as I don't try to make it happen! We were togetehr for 10 months when she broke it off last winter, and after trying real hard for a while I pulled back...but still had the gut feeling we would get back togetehr. i have had many friends tell me that they we routing for me last winter, but didn't think I had a shot...but I ended up getting her back! The reasons for the second break up? To be honest they don't seem to be very substancial as before as far as me not being a good enough bf, but rather that I just graduated from school and she will be a senior, also that she may have felt the urgre to see whats out there since I have been with her the majority of her college career. I just had a good conversation with her on the phone and I 'd appreciate any input you may all have - the convo is laid out in the LC advice thread I started yesterday.

[laboheme]

I never thought much of gut instincts, but ironically, it was my ex who taught me that sometimes I need to stop overanalyzing and go with what feels right. I'm in a similar situation myself right now, where my intuition tells me that we still have a chance -- but a lot of people have told me that I'm simply in denial and that denial is a natural part of the healing process.

 

In your case, I would tell you to trust your gut and go with the flow, because every situation is unique and only the two people involved really know what's going on (and oftentimes even they don't -- so how can anybody else analyze what's going on?). However, you say that it's the second time you guys broke up, which kind of makes me think that you're basing your hope for the future on the past. Sorry for being pessimistic, but just because she came back once, doesn't mean she'll come back again...

[annie24]

I do believe in trusting your gut instinct, but I also believe that many dumpees suffer from WTS (wishful thinking syndrome).

 

I think most of the time, the dumpers still may have some feelings for their ex, and they may... in some way.... regret the breakup. However, those feelings don't outweigh their choice to break up the relationship. Sure, they can miss you a bit here and there, but if it's not enough to get back with you, then what does it matter?

 

I think a lot of dumpees pick up on that "little bit of remorse" and think it means they have a chance back. However, I would say that isn't the way to interpret things.

 

From a practical standpoint... if someone breaks up with you, they are essentially saying, "I don't want to be with you anymore." The dumpee should gracefully accept their decision, even if they don't agree. There is no point for the dumper to go back and say, "did you change your mind yet? huh?" because it is the dumper's responsibility to go back and say, "I messed up, I want you back." Until then, the dumpee should assume that the dumper's initial decision (the breakup) was the final answer.

[Ms. Babydoll]

I've always trusted my gut feelings, if I feel all yuck inside I know what I'm doing/ what I'm going to do isn't the right decision.

[RayKay]

Agree with annie on this one. I also believe in trusting your gut instinct...but I think after break ups....that whole "denial" stage tends to cause people to believe their gut is telling them something it's really not.

 

I hate to break it to you....but I really don't know ANY new poster here whom has not come here and said "I KNOW they are just confused and they love me, and they really want to be with me - I can FEEL it".

 

It's important not to mix gut feelings up with emotional reactions and hopeful thinking.

 

If she has to "see what else is out there" she is being truthful...she is just leaving out the add on at the end that means "because you aren't it".

[Royltnxile]

I had the same "gut feeling" after my break up experience. Still sometimes have it at times, even after a year and a half later. However, "gut" feelings go away over time, just like tummy aches do!

 

Bottom line: Your "gut" feelings don't mean jack. Annie and Ray are right about the "wishful thinking" and "denial" feelings. YOUR feelings don't have anything to do with anything. It's not about your feelings, it's about your ex's. There is nothing you can do or say that will bring her back unless she were to be the one to make the move to do so. Until she does, you are better off not being in contact with her and dating other women.

 

Captain, I read your post about the phone conversation. I think you are looking very hard for hopeful signs and confusing "friendly" banter for concrete signals that she wants to get back together. I went through this crap with my ex. I overanalyzed everything she said in phone conversations. I put myself out there, let her know that I was open to seeing her, suggested we meet up for lunch, left the details up to her to set it up (which she agreed to)....and then she never followed through. So I left her alone and went back to NC. My point? - don't put any stock in her words. A woman will say anything over the phone without meaning to follow through on any of it. You've indicated you want to meet up with her, so leave it at that. Leave it up to her to follow through. If she can't do that, then you know that she's not serious about getting back together.

 

Dude, she's dumped you twice? And you are still chasing this girl?

[Captain34]

could any of you please take a look at the thread I started "Ladies I need LC advice..."? I recently had the best conversation with my ex since the breakup. I am trying not to be wishfully thinking, but the breakup is eerily following the same patterns that the last one did - except that this time I avoided making some(but not all!) of the mistakes that I made last time...

[annie24]

Ok, I read your thread, and I agree 100% with what scotcha told you.

 

I think you might be reading into signals that aren't there. At least, I don't see them. Reading what you wrote just sounds like a conversation between friends catching up to me.

 

I do think you are right to wonder about why she said she'd like to check her schedual instead of giving you a yes or no but really there are a number of reasons why.. It could be she really doesnt' know when she is free. It could be, like you said, that she wants to think about it. Or, it could be a cop out way of saying no.

 

oh, and to add, I think it might just be a cop-out way of saying no. if she wanted to go out with you, she would have gone through her schedule by now and said, "next thursday looks good." or whatever. if she hasn't gotten back to you yet, I think it was a cop-out way of saying no.

[skate]

Basically I am in the same boat as you if you read my earlier post (back to normal). I've had ppl tell me to trust my gut too and wait and see. There are still really down moments for me, but since having started LC w/ him (although recent), i've gotten to feeling less miserable, maybe b/c he gives me indications of something more than friendship. The hard part, i think you will agree is not trying to overthink and read into things too much when they do something that is not exactly a positive indication.

it's been 1.5yrs for me so is kinda like a different stage. I want to tell you to be patient b/c it is almost too soon for you guys (since the breakup) for her clearly figure out what she wants w/ you. When it is so early on part of the attention is based on loneliness. Give it time. Since you seem to be doing a good job of keeping situations pleasant for her and not pushing her, she will get to at least have good memories of you each time you part in a convo or meeting. You also don't seem to have anger and bitterness, like i did when we first broke up...that really pushed him away more. My ex also left on not so solid reasons of wanting to "gain experience" cuz he felt he needed it. Can someone also read my last post do give some advice?