how can i relax?

[abbett]

i've posted a few messages on the site.....about me and my gf/ex-gf. i'm not really sure how to categorize her right now. we've not said we are back together but we are saying i love you and talking of the future.

 

to try to make a long story short, when we first got together, i thought she was wonderful (still do) but i slowly learned about a lot of complications in her life and a lot of lifelong issues she has battled with and still is.

 

when i met her, she had no job, no car, and was living with a family friend. she was also associating with some pretty bad people - people who weren't friends but pretty much called her when they were bored. she was not interested in them, but i guess talked with them out of loneliness.

 

she had been broken up with her ex for about 6 months and i had been broken up from my long-term gf for 4 months.

 

we hit it off, and soon after, i realized i didn't know much about her. red flags went up, but i decided to ignore them. i felt there was more to her than just her recent bad luck and problems.

 

a couple months after i met her, she enrolled in a job training program that lasted 3 months. she completed the program in late june. she also began therapy and was put on anti-depressants for the first time in her life.

 

she now has a car as well. her mother helped her get it.

 

however, her mother is very controlling and insecure and really messed up. she's the reason my gf has so many problems now - she gave her a very traumatic childhood and adolescence.

 

since she's been back living with her mother, for the past 2 months, she seems to be unhappy. also, it's stressed our relationship because i am a threat to her mother's control over her.

 

my gf started a new job yesterday. it's the first time she's worked since i've known her for 6 months.

 

so, in a lot of ways, she's accomplished a lot since i've known her.

 

however, her living with her mother makes me uneasy. now my gf, since we have broken up, is afraid for her mother to know we are back together.

 

i talked with my gf the other day about moving up here and getting a job up here. she said something about not right now - she wanted to pay her mother back for the car and thought it would be too much drama right now. i think she's also uneasy about thinking about that, because since we have had recent problems, i'm not sure she trusts we'll always be together like she used to. i think i've disappointed her or something.

 

she mentioned maybe after christmas. and then i told her that i would need to know by late november if she was going to be moving here or not because i would have to line up a new roommate if she's not. when i told her she would need to look for a job in october and have a job lined up by november, she said that seemed rushed. she said she didn't know and she'd have to think about it. it makes me very sad because i don't know why she is saying that.

 

anyway, what do you guys think?

[robowarrior]

Its obvious that the misery in her life derives from her mother. She might never get over the trauma, but the more she is away from that woman the better, or in other words she has to MOVE OUT!

 

Its the difference between life and death for her. She needs to take control over her own life. Just use a bunch of force and drag her into your own life.

[heloladies21]

By handling the situation this way you are setting yourself up for very much heartache because even though you sound confused by the title of the relationship (you call her your gf even though you two are broken up), one thing is for sure and that is her view is that you two are NOT in a relationship anymore.

 

Her mother has nothing to do with this. It's just an excuse for her loss of interest in you. She won't make up her mind for good unless you make her, so do this. Lay all your cards out on the table and tell her you want a relationship and nothing less will do. Either she's with you or not, because this game of warming her back up into your life never works and only leads to false hope and misunderstandings until the eventual final break.

[abbett]

hey, since all this, we have come back together. i think she was hesitant to let her mother know because her mother would, and she told me she would, harp on her about how we were not going to work out, etc.......and my gf just didn't want to hear it. i think she wanted to know we were back together for good before telling her mother again.

 

well, after some growth on my part and some realizations and all, we were able to work things out........and she did tell her mother. and she told her mother she would continue to see me, etc.......to which her mother responded in the fashion my gf knew she would - she told her she didn't want her seeing me, that we would just break up again, etc.

 

anyway, i am just glad now that we are working things out and that her mother knows that. and we do have plans for her to move out of there soon. she recently got a job and she's going to live there another couple of months and get some things paid off and we have discussed her looking for a job here starting in october and hopefully being able to get a job and move up here by year's end.

 

but it's been a while since she has worked - almost a year - so i think having this job there under her belt before moving in with me will be a good transition. not so much change at once.

 

she's taken control back of her life, even while living with her mother - her job makes her feel more confident and like she does have authority over what she does with her life - thank god.