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I don't think I'm normal anymore!!!


kaamos
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Backround: 2nd marraige (for both of us), I have two children from 1st marraige (they are grown now) and we have two kids together who are 11 and 9. We've been married for 12 years, and it's had it's rough spots. The last three years I thought things were going very well. Our sex life had re-energized, we were closer emotionally, etc.

 

The past few months, my husband has decided that our sex life is too boring.

We've done the naughty pictures, done homemade porn, bought toys, things like that over the past two years or so. Now this is not enough for him. He continually talks about having a threesome (a specific one of his friends, him, and me). I'm not judgemental about people who do these things, whatever it takes to get you off is great- but for myself, I'm very unsure it would be something I could do. Sure, it'd probably be extremely erotic and arousing in the moment... BUT the after part would probably freak me out a bit.

 

The problem is not that my husband brought this up. The problem is that he will not let this idea go- even for an hour!!! Right now, I have 22 text messages on my cell in regards to the subject, and that's just today's from 8 a.m. to now (it's 11 am). This goes on EVERY day. When he comes home from work, this will be the main topic of conversation (if you can call it that) until bedtime. My husband has also sent this friend of his topless pics of me (I agreed to it because he wouldn't stop bugging me to do it).

 

We're planning on travelling to this particular friend's house this weekend, and already my husband is picking out my wardrobe (keep in mind that there will be children present, but my hubby wants me to wear a sheer lace shirt with nothing under). We've had big fights over this kind of thing over the past 6 weeks, and the last big one we came very close to divorcing.

He claims I need to be sexually open, while I feel he's not listening to me at all

and really, I feel that there is almost zero emotional connection between us now. He pushes the issue almost constantly and then says it's my choice to do it or not, and then two minutes later he's right back on the same topic.

 

I find myself getting very angry, annoyed, and hurt when he won't let it go. I've kind of shut down my feelings because 1. he doesn't listen to me anyway, and 2. I feel like some kind of "toy" that he thinks is so great he just has to share. I feel as if I'm not in a relationship anymore, I'm just something to be used to make his life "enjoyable". He doesn't care how I feel emotionally or physically, or what's going on in our "real life" (my oldest child is getting married in two weeks!).

 

Let me say, I consider myself a very sexual person, I love sex. I'm very glad my husband is still attracted to me after all these years together. I'm flattered his friend finds me attractive. I don't get jealous or weirded out by his fantasies, but sometimes I think certain fantasies should stay fantasies. But he insists that a lot of other people are doing the things he wants me to do, and somehow I'm just not "normal" for not being more open.

 

I just want to know if I need to change somehow, or if it's acceptable for me to be "open" to doing certain kinds of sexplay with my husband (like making a video, toys, etc.) but drawing the line at including other people in the bedroom.

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if you're not into this, and it sounds as though you definitely are not...it will tear you marriage apart. you will feel cheap and filthy and you will never trust your husband again. you will never be enough for him. either way, he's a selfish person, who only cares about what he wants when he wants it. so on one hand, if you say no, he shows you no respect and harasses you about it, ... wouldn't want to be married to a guy like that....or 2, if you do it, he may think you're the cheap one afterall, or always want it or leave you for someone else. anyone who pushes another like that, has no boundries. this is, of course, just my opinion!

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You have absolutely every right to be as open as you want to be. Everybody has a line they won't cross or certain activities they don't find erotic or interesting.

 

I'm pretty much the same as you, and even had the pushy bf too. I ended up telling him flat out that if he wanted a threesome, that was fine but not to expect me there.

 

Your husband needs to respect your boundaries.

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I just want to know if I need to change somehow, or if it's acceptable for me to be "open" to doing certain kinds of sexplay with my husband (like making a video, toys, etc.) but drawing the line at including other people in the bedroom.

That is not a line, that is a canyon he wants you to jump accross with very fast moving treacherous waters running through it. I doubt a 3some is a good idea for most marriages, and If you have any hesitation, it is not for you. Sometimes you have to put the lid on us guys!

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I am biting right along with Dako.

 

If the partner you husband wants to share you with is a female, then No, I would advise not to do it. Once you bring another person into your marriage bed, they will never leave it. You will see her face everytime you lay your head on your pillow and wonder everytime he does make love to just you whether he was picturing her.... There is no good outcome if you have even the SLIGHTEST doubts.

 

If the partner is male, than I would also say no, becuase then it is possible for your husband to become jealous and then blame you. ALSO-- if it is a male, I might begin to think that the situation is more about him exploring his own sexuality. Maybe he has developed sexual feelings for this man and the only way he feels comfortable (or straight, still) expressing them is if he is in a tag-teaming my wife type deal.

 

To me, both are big NO'S, but the gender of the extra-marital partner makes a difference in how you deal with your husband.....

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V read my mind on this. I was also wondering what his motives might spring from. As a straight guy I can't imagine watching some guy boink my wife, and another woman is just sanctioned cheating.

 

In the 70s, I knew couples who were into the Sexual Freedom League scene. They'd gather at a house, grab a towel and get busy and brag how liberated and mature they were until life turned ugly. People have feelings.

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That is not a line, that is a canyon he wants you to jump accross with very fast moving treacherous waters running through it. I doubt a 3some is a good idea for most marriages, and If you have any hesitation, it is not for you. Sometimes you have to put the lid on us guys!

 

I fully agree with this. Nicely put hard charger.

 

Darling, I think that's awesome you have that line, It's wise & i agree with every reason you have for it. It's very true & I can't believe he's not hearing this.

You Need to draw a clear line for your husband. The lasting effect of this should mean something to him. If he is not listening, don't cave to shut him up (like what happened with the pictures. you will regret it & the marriage may be at risk) Make a stand.

Maybe not going to visit the friend this weekend will help him understand how serious you are about this. If he's not hearing you, and he's preparing his friend for this & arranging your wardrobe. it's almost as if he's just expecting you to do it. It's only going to be harder there & may not be comfortable for you.

I'm sorry he's making you feel like this. Please find a way to make him hear you. And Know that you are totally Right to feel the way you do & the line you have drawn is comepletly normal & acceptable. And he should respect that.

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There is nothing wrong with having boundaries...you have every right to have a line you do not want to cross! Just because for example I might kiss on the first date, does not mean I am up for making 'home vids' on the first date....

 

Boundaries are there to protect ourselves physically and emotionally and they are what WE are comfortable with.

 

I sense you know yourself a threesome would GREATLY complicate things. And yes, I have to admit while some people do the, the couples I know that have engaged in them had tremendous issues of trust, intimacy and so forth after...none of them are still together. It is NOT unusual after that HE may be the one angry at what occurred, even if he suggested it.

 

If you have doubts, do NOT do it.

 

As for his pressure, I would tell him to cut it out..you are NOT comfortable with it, are NOT going there and this pressure is just sickening already! Come on, a constant barrage of it? I would be getting ticked myself! Do not give in just so he stops it....he will just get on to something else.

 

I am bothered by his preparations for weekend...I wonder if he suggested to friend already something was going to happen? I would NOT go......

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Having read only the OP, my gf (36) and myself have unexciting sex 350+ times per year to out mutual satisfaction. We have been to the rare odd place but are happy about 49/49 missionary and rear entry.

 

We also have the odd 3some, mainly to satisfy her bi-courious needs (IMHO perhaps induced by my past unfaithfulness).

 

In our 9+ years together - with some breaks likely induced mainly by myself but enforced by her - we never used toys.

 

Thus IMHO your mate suffers from an adverse addiction to excitement without which he won't get it up.

 

You likely have done nothing wrong, it's not your fault, he needs counseling and definitely no pipe-dreams.

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No good can come from this (I speak from experience). It's not about spicing up your sex life for him; it's about control, and a lack of respect for women in general. Once you do it, he'll throw it in your face and push you to do it again and again, then call you a * * * * * for having done it (never mind that he pushed it). You can't win either way. The best thing I ever did was to go to a women's shelter and get some counseling. Good luck to you.

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I want to say thank you to all of you- for a while he'd kind of convinced me that *I* was off-center a bit for not wanting to do this. Reading things in this forum has made me realize that I absolutely do not want to compromise the person I am, and if my refusal brings about the end of the marraige, it will hurt tremendously but I will be able to face myself with a clear mind.

 

While he has mentioned the possibility of a threesome to this male friend of his, I do know this guy fairly well and I know he's not expecting it (and he may not even be comfortable with the idea himself- he's definitely a bit more sensitive than my husband). I'm not going to argue with my husband about this, so if he pushes the issue, I will just quietly decline again and resolve to be calm but firm.

 

Thank you all again, and I may be back....

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