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Should I see her?

Süsser Tod

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Long story short. 5 years ago I dated this girl, I really liked her, but I was too dumb to make a move on her so I was friendzoned and/or she got tired and hooked up with someone else.


I attended a self help course and one of the things I had to do there was to "clean space" (as they called it) with someone. So as that relationship ended up with a lot of bitternes (at least on my part) I decided to contact her.


A year after that she called me on my bday, and left a message. Another time she called me on my cellphone and I picked up the call, told her I would call her later (never did, until a couple weeks ago).


It was kinda hard. I called her phone number, no go. Called someone else that knew her, and they told me that they didn't knew what had been of her, other than that her family moved out of state and that she had gotten married. Wow. Finally, on a lucky strike I found her on the directory, but she wasn't living there anymore, but they gave me her cellphone.



I got to talk to her, told her I was sorry for not calling her back and I promised to keep in touch. Then I noticed she had at least one kid, and I also think she is divorced or at least separate from her husband, but that is only speculation on my part. She said "you're the friend that I never wanted to lose", for whatever that means.


Like two weeks ago I sent her an SMS asking her out for a cup of cofee. She dind't replied until last night.


I woke up at 2 am to the noise of my cellphone warning about a message and a missed call. Found a SMS with a german message that I was not able to understand from her. So I texted her back. She said she wanted us to be friends. Replied with a "I can't see why not, lets give it a try". Today she replied with a "let me know when you have time to go out".



My current relationship is fine and strong, we managed to get through (my gf was away on a trip for a month and a half), and I'm in love with my gf. But somehow this girl has got me scared to dead!


I'm afraid that the strong feelings I had for her back then will come back. I'm also afraid that she has got her life to a not so very good point and that she'll try to make me her savior, I don't want to become her knight in shinning armor. Because of fear #1 I feel extremely vulnerable to #2.


5 years ago, I can't say I was in love with her, but I may have been. Infatuation was strong, so strong I got to the point of overcoming my fears and actually asking her to be my gf. That was too little, too late, she had already made her mind.

5 years ago I knew I had lost, so I walked away to never look back. Now I'm looking back and I fear I never got over that.


Somehting inside me tells me that it is wrong to go out with her, another voice tells me it isnt, another one tells me I should and that I should also give myself the chance to finally let the past go.


I dunno what to do...

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A song that always reminded me of her back then, it is like if it had been written for her:




How I felt back then about her, how I feel now with my gf:




I've been fighting for my soul

And sometimes it takes a toll

Hope one day you'll understand

What it means to hold in hands

What they call a fantasy

It is nothing but a key

To the world that now I'm in

That they call a wicked dream

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You are in a relationship, why go out with someone else.


Your old crush will have changed a lot and no longer be like your dream.


She taking 2 weeks to return SMS does not speak for herself, likely is a) rather indecisive, or b) a rebound scenario popped up. Neither sound attractive me thinks.

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Just to meet in a friendly way? And I know she won't be anything like I remember, I know I'm not what she remembers (a lot of me was lost in the translation, sadly, darker on the inside, lighter on the outside. Heck, now I even scare myself sometimes...)


Typing my op helped a lot, realized I don't want anything to do with that girl, I don't think even friendship, but I do want the closure I never gave to myself and a chance to catch up with someone that meant a lot to me back then.

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