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Very Overwhelmed, both superficially and on a deeper level


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I have decided to quickly type out a list of why I am feeling so funked and overwhelmed at the moment.

 

Upcoming Social Events: And even, what I'm NOT going to! I was invited to go out clubbing Thursday with good and old friends after results day (see below) but I've declined because I can't deal with environments like that, subsequently I feel like such a failure that I can't just "DEAL WITH!" my issues and be a half normal, social 18 year old.

I'm going to a friend's house party on Friday which I think I'll pull out of..oh wiat, I can't because I'm going to a Prom with her on Saturday and so faking an illness won't work (I'd feel guilty anyway). And the Prom itself...why the HEL L did I agree to go? I loathe wearing dresses. I loathe big social events, the people will be those I left behind when I switched colleges a year ago, and I almost always a) leave early b) lose it c) cry and lose it d) fall into a massive depression for days afterwards.

 

But I can't pull out of that...my mother has paid for a dress, ticket etc. Although I suppose I could just re-imburse her out of my own funds (which would be £100 in total...ticket was £40, dress £60), which is an option.

 

What do I want more... do I want to pay £100 for an evening of little mental stress...how much is it worth to me..I don't know.

 

Upcoming Academic Results: Fairly straightforward..I was too busy being ... actually, what WAS I doing all last year? Either way, I didn't do even 50% of the work I should have done, and I face no parental pressure, but I know my results will be sorely short of my true potential..for the second year, second college, running.

Hurts. I just can't get my act together where I am, I have no motivation, I'm too consumed with darkness waves/wanting to want to live.

 

Mental Health Problems: See recent thread entitled "Paranoia...."

 

Frustrations: I was within weeks of obtaining my full driving licence for my own car, then having a seizure means I can't drive for a year. I live in a rural-ish area and so this is a real frustration/disappointment, on top of the fact I worked so hard and went through so much crap with various driving instructors to reach the stage I was at. Now, I can't even practice for a year.

Also, since my seizure, my parents have become sporadically over-protective...they phoned from their holiday home to ask my grandparents to drive to my houes to check up on me! I've NEVER given them cause to believe I wouldn't be telling the truth that my boyfriend was picking me up that evening (he turned up as my grandparents were there..so HAHA to them)... I was mad.

 

I was so, so freakin mad.

 

Friendship Difficulties: See recent thread in "Friendship and Friends". And there's also a friend who is going completely off the rails and sleeping with a 43 year old, and she is barely 18.

 

 

It's one of those times where it's all stacking up.

 

University Issues: Within the next 3 months or so, I have to apply for university courses for next September, after my final stint at college. The process of visiting days, making an application, writing about myself, interviews etc makes me (I'm not joking) cry. I'm terrible at fitting things together in my mind, getting my act together, etc. For years and years I wanted to act, and my switching colleges last year was primarily so I could start a course in Drama, previously I'd done sciences. But to do it at Uni...I laugh when I imagine me applying, it's just not going to happen, is it? I'm an utter mess and I can't even go out some days because I'm so stupidly...I mean, a room of people I KNOW can make me develop a panic attack.

 

So Theology (which, to be fair, is a genuine, long held interest of mine) is what I'm going for, which still entails the application process, I'm terrified. I'm so, so scared.

 

Over and Out

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yikes! it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

 

a piece of advice a friend gave me when I was 16... is just take one day at a time. you will get overwhelmed if you think of ALL the things you need to have done by next week or so. Just look at what needs your attention TODAY.

 

good luck

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Wish I had a word of advise for you, but you know me, 9 years older than you and trying to figure out more or less the same things.

 

Loved this:

 

I just can't get my act together where I am, I have no motivation, I'm too consumed with darkness waves/wanting to want to live.

 

Aint that the truth? You remind me so much of myself it is scary.

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