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Setting a Date conflitcs

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So here is my situation, I have been seeing this girl for about a month and a half. It started off very well and we saw each other about 3-4 times a week in the first 3 weeks. Then she went on vacation and since then we have seen each other 5 or 6 times in 3 weeks. Now one of my biggest concerns is her honesty. I was concerned because she was having problems with an ex and I asked her if she wanted to continue to see me or part ways so to speak. She assured me that it wasnt a problem and that she was having fun with me and wanted to continue to see me. Now, since then we have been having problems meeting up with each other and the other night I got upset because she had tentative plans with friends of hers but made plans with me first. However I got the short end of that stick. So I let her know I was upset and she fired right back at me with "My ex boyfriend used to always make plans with me and cancel at the last moment, so I always make back-up plans from now on so im not sitting at home on a Friday night. If you want to make plans you have to tell me where, when and what time and ill be there." As much as I hated that retort, we made an agreement that we would promise one another to make official "set in stone" plans at least once a week. So, here is my dilemma. On Sunday evening, she calls me to make plans for the week and we make plans for Wednesday evening. Then we talk on Monday evening and before getting off she says "Oh, just wanted to let you know, im supposed to be going to the beach wednesday afternoon and then I was supposed to go shopping with my mom downtown, so if you have other plans go with them and maybe we can meet up later. I just don't understand, do you think this girl is a lost cause? She kept saying that she wanted to get to know me better but we have only been out on two real dates in the span of a month and a half, all the other times have been just chilling at each others houses. You don't get to know anyone by doing that. I mean she is very affectionate when we see each other but I just feel like she is avoiding a "date" and prefers to just see me after hours when there is nothing much else to do but watch tv or a movie in the house.


Any advice on how to talk to her about this? or should I let it slide and wait to see if the trend continues?

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Do not let it slide. Put your foot down. She made plans with you and broke them once and is now breaking them again. And she had issues with her ex breaking plans. What she is doing does not cut the mustard. Tell her to cut the crap.

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I'm with Beec. Put your foot down now or she will mess you about all the time. If she can't be bothered or thinks something or someone is more fun that you, then you should be unavailable to go anywhere or do anything with her.

She's putting you second and if she did have a problem with her ex, it's all the more reason why she shouldn't do that crap to you as she knows how it feels.


Maybe she needs to be single a little longer, and if she keeps it up, maybe you should make that decision for her.

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She has a low interest level, and likely doesn't have the level of respect for you that she should have.


Part of the problem is that you haven't put your foot down strong enough. As with her "ex problem", instead of telling her that she needs to sort that out before stepping into a situation with you, you instead asked her if she wanted to continue seeing you. Instead of making a stand yourself, you basically were passive and placed the decision making in her hands. That's never a good idea. As a stand up guy YOU must set the rules and guidelines of what YOU can tolerate. If she can't meet your guidelines then leave.

This has nothing to do with being bossy or a jerk, because your feelings are ever bit as invested in this as hers are and if something doesn't work for you, then you should tell her that this is what you can take, and if not, it's time to part ways. You didn't really do that, because you instead asked her what she wanted to do rather than say what you would tolerate. Bad move. It sets a standard of putting the pants on her for the relationship.


As far as her breaking plans, part of it may be because she appears to be more in charge of this relationship than you are. Again, you weren't firm in your original "stand" and then when she's been breaking plans on you and you attempted to make a stand by "letting her know" you were upset, which isn't enough. In response she fired back at you in a derogatory way and basically put the blame on you. She also is hinting that you are clinging too tightly because she's saying you should have back up plans. Instead of backing down to her here, you should have stood your ground and refused to let it end like that. SHE canceled plans on YOU. It is not your job to make back up plans as so much as it is her job to KEEP her plans. She should at least have been made to give you that much. Don't push over for her.


Basically, it sounds to me like you are more convienient than a real love interest. She goes out with you when she wants to, and then other times she's breaking plans, going out with the girls, and not backing down an inch when you make a half attempt to stand your ground. That's a low interest level along with not having so much respect for you.


What are you going to do now? Any plans?

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diggity dog hit right on the money...i am in the same boat as you but i just ended it with the person i was going out with, its not worth it, the dating period should be about having fun, getting to know each other, spend time together, with minimal to no conflicts at all. she clearly does not hold you in high regard, my advice to you is to walk out and let her know that it isn't working out for you. good luck confusedmale

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