OH boy.............

[zipacna2006]

Ok here's my story: I've been dating a great girl for almost a year. Things went so well she actually took me in to her home, and things went on swimmingly for quite a while. However, over the last couple months, since she took a trip back to her home for a couple weeks, she's changed. All of a sudden there's pressure to get married and have a child, and I am the bad guy when I said that I wanted to not rush into that. I had a previous relationship where we got pregnent and married right off quick, and it didn't work out. I don't want to put myelf, her, and another child through that, it is not fair. Besides, her previous relationship, she was with a guy for 7 years (they are still in contact and he has some strange hold on her, which I also am wary of) and she never pressured him ot get married, etc. But, I am the bad guy for not wanting to pop the question after less than a year. She accuses me of 'playing house', for instance.

 

Also, seems like whatever I say to her, gets taken wrong. For instance, she is constantly late to work because she is clinging on to me, and I advised her that she should be careful so that she doesn't lose her job - this was interpreted as I don't care and I think she is a slacker. Whenever I do not come right home after work, it is a crying fit. She works a different schedule than I do, so there are times when we have a couple hours a day for each other, although weekends we have all to ourselves. We both knew this going in. She's also been kinda short with my child sometimes, more so than I could consider just a bad day or something.

 

Well, last night there was an incident. I recently came back into contact with a female friend I've known for almost 10 years. We were always platonic friends, although there was a subtle undercurrent there. However, she was married at the time and there was no way I was going to destroy a family over a potential relationship. We faded out of touch a few years ago, while I was in the process of getting married. We ran into each other by pure happenstance in a store and caught up on old times. She is now divorced, as am I. We exchanged numbers and have been emailing. calling usually every few days/1 day a week or so. She had a boyfriend but it didn't work out. We met up for lunch last week and had a blast, jsut shooting the breeze about work, life, etc. So,we decided to have a bite to eat sometime this week. We agreed on yesterday.

 

My girlfriend got all upset when she found out I was not coming straight home after work (nothing new, even if I stay at work late she gets like this) and I get all sorts of emails about how come I don't wanther, do I love her, etc. About 7PM last night, whilst I was getting ready to leave work and meet my friend, my girlfriend calls up and says she had a bad dream; this becomes a 1 hour conversation about how come I don't want to have kids with her, I am her life, etc. I calm her down and meet with my friend. We had a bite to eat and a glass of wine apiece, then headed over to my friend's restaurant for a couple beers and watched a ballgame.

 

During the night, I have to be honest, there were some sparks flying. On the way form dinenr to my friends place, she held my arm, and on our way from my friends place, we held hands and kissed. It was electric!

 

I am really torn now as to what to do. On the one hand, my current girlfriend has been increasingly needy and trying to keep me with her by hanging on too tight, and not understanding that these things take some time; but she is truly a great person and only deserves the best. On the other, my friend is someone I have felt a connection with for a long time and, apparently, it is mutual. We even remarked after our kiss how it was 9 years in the making. This could be something really special.

 

Anyone ever been here before?

[annie24]

I am most concerned about this:

 

Also, seems like whatever I say to her, gets taken wrong. For instance, she is constantly late to work because she is clinging on to me, and I advised her that she should be careful so that she doesn't lose her job - this was interpreted as I don't care and I think she is a slacker. Whenever I do not come right home after work, it is a crying fit. She works She's also been kinda short with my child sometimes, more so than I could consider just a bad day or something.

 

Let's put this new woman totally aside for a while. As for your current gf, do you really want to marry into this situation? she is short with your child, is risking losing her job so she can spend an extra 20 minutes with you, and throws a fit if you don't come straight home after work. It sounds like she has massive control issues! The situation with her doesn't sound healthy at all.

 

Do you want to marry your current gf (regardless of this new woman or not).

[RayKay]

Well, aside from this situation with your 'friend' (which I think you should set aside for now, and continue only if you do end things with your girlfriend), I saw several large glaring red flags in some of your comments about your relationship.

 

She seems very needy indeed, and seems to base her sense of self around you, which of course you should know is not a good thing. Especially not if it is affecting her job, her mental stability and so on! I am not sure how old she is, but honestly she sounds very childish. She is hugely posessive it seems. Relationships are about partnerships...not controlling the other or demanding they spend every spare second with you.

 

She also seems to pull some passive aggressive stunts to get you to "give in" (like the call about the dream....while I am not going to condone that you, knowing there were sparks, are pursuing things to a degree....that still is very odd behaviour).

 

Did she ask you to move in with her? I think that now she is also being passive aggressive in saying you are "playing house" when SHE consented to living together before marriage - she can't start putting the blame on you now! I am definitely not opposed to living together without marriage, but NOT as a ploy to get more, and not if you are not on the same wavelength.

 

And no, after less than a year, you do NOT have to marry her...especially not when all these new things seem to be coming out now....

 

Also, you are part of a package - child included. And when you choose a partner, you have to also consider your child, and how they treat that child. If she is rather harsh to that child, that WILL affect your child's self esteem growing up, and more.

 

Seriously, without this friend in the picture...is this a woman you want to marry, can see being the mother of your current and future children, whom seems to be a stable partner when it comes to the hard work of marriage and parenting?

 

Personally, it sounds more to me like you would end up "parenting" her to some degree.

 

P.S. Again, don't kiss or pursue things with this other women UNTIL you have made a decision to end things in your current relationship. It is better for all involved if you wait until one door is closed before you start going through another...cheating is not another weight you need to add to this whole situation.

[zipacna2006]

Let's put this new woman totally aside for a while. As for your current gf, do you really want to marry into this situation? she is short with your child, is risking losing her job so she can spend an extra 20 minutes with you, and throws a fit if you don't come straight home after work. It sounds like she has massive control issues! The situation with her doesn't sound healthy at all.

 

Do you want to marry your current gf (regardless of this new woman or not).

 

Annie24, thanks for your reply. I was worried I was going to come off as some sort of creep or something. To be honest, the late at work and crying fits didn't start until after I moved in. And to be honest, it really concerns me. I take my job and career very seriously, I worked very hard to get through school and get things going, and I couldn't imagine being so cavalier about it. She'll have to go in for 9 or 10 but will instead lay by me till about 2 or 3, then wake me up with all sorts of questions (marriage, love, kids) before going to work. That's starting to get to me too, as when I get up in the morning I am not refreshed. And you're right about the 'shortneess' thing too - a lot of times she is great with my child, and she buys things for my child and such, but then there are times when she's short. Not that I am saying my child is a saint, but if you want to be a parent you have to learn that little ones don't go by schedules and cannot see the big picture.

 

At first I did think marriage was an option, but for it to be at this point there has to be some changes. I am not perfect, not by any stretch, but this is really starting to drain me.

[zipacna2006]

RK, you have good insights here. I do think the needy thing is starting to get over the top. I totally understand wanting to be with someone sooooooo much, but you can't "capture" them and wall them off from everybody, ya know? A tip-off to the currect situation should have been, when I would feel like, say, going to the book-store after work, I would have to make up a story about helping out my mom on a project or something, to avoid a conflict.

 

I hear your point about me pursuing things, and I think you made a good point on the passive-aggressive thing. I actually had not thought of it that way.

 

Also, yes, she was the one who asked me, as my lease was coming due and I was going to have to move out anyway. And ya know what? You're RIGHT - it's not proper to have someone move in and then try to foce them into more. I have a say too. It's got me started to talking with my old place to see what I can work out with them, to be honest with you.

 

Admittedly, my child isn't at the reading/writing level they ought to be at, but she comes out with these comments sometimes about my child that rankle me. Just becasue the child is not Einstein yet doesn't mean they're destined to not go to college - could be they're a slow starter, just like their old man - me

 

 

To be honest, I have become more and more concerned about marriage with her - at first it seemed like it would be a real possibility down the road, but I simply cannot continue to put up with this stuff.

[RayKay]

RK, you have good insights here. I do think the needy thing is starting to get over the top. I totally understand wanting to be with someone sooooooo much, but you can't "capture" them and wall them off from everybody, ya know? A tip-off to the currect situation should have been, when I would feel like, say, going to the book-store after work, I would have to make up a story about helping out my mom on a project or something, to avoid a conflict.

 

Yikes, that is kinda scary if you can't even just say you are going to the bookstore....do you think she would of reacted badly based on other experiences then?

 

I suspect she feels that because you have your own life, hobbies, passions....she feels that you choose "them over her". Does she not have hobbies of her own? I think she is very dependent, maybe somewhat "stunted" in terms of her individual growth and personality. Not a slight against her, but until she is her "own person" she will be dependent in this way.

 

 

Also, yes, she was the one who asked me, as my lease was coming due and I was going to have to move out anyway. And ya know what? You're RIGHT - it's not proper to have someone move in and then try to foce them into more. I have a say too. It's got me started to talking with my old place to see what I can work out with them, to be honest with you.

 

Yeah, well, then...that is definitely not right for her to be saying things like that....you have been together less than a year after all, and when you moved in I am assuming you did not decide that you would get married within a certain time frame and so on?

 

Admittedly, my child isn't at the reading/writing level they ought to be at, but she comes out with these comments sometimes about my child that rankle me. Just becasue the child is not Einstein yet doesn't mean they're destined to not go to college - could be they're a slow starter, just like their old man - me

 

That is definitely over the line if she makes comments, granted yes it is important you both encourage and support the child, them being a bit behind does not mean they are not capable. Children learn in different ways, at different rates. If you are concerned, you can make sure to rule out any learning disabilities (like dyslexia) that may be hindering them as it is better to know now rather than later, however, the child needs support...not to feel low because they are behind. I guarantee they probably already do feel somewhat frustrated as is.

 

I am assuming the childs mother is still in their life too? This is something you and her need to work on together.

 

To be honest, I have become more and more concerned about marriage with her - at first it seemed like it would be a real possibility down the road, but I simply cannot continue to put up with this stuff.

 

Well, I assume that was in the honeymoon stage it felt that way too? You are approaching..or in the...end of the honeymoon as true personalities come out, and you start to see the true relationship/person.

 

I can't tell you WHAT to do, but I think if you have a lot of doubt, it's clear you should not be going another step with her yet....and only you can decide if this is something that is workable (with her agreement) or not.

 

I suspect though from what you wrote, and about this other woman, your heart and mind are already kind of checking out though. I also think because of your previous marriage/relationship you are probably pretty aware of things that can "destroy" a marriage too....don't ignore that gut of yours.

[zipacna2006]

Yeah, there's been times when, after working for 12 hours (doing month-end stuff and such) I'll stop off for a salad/sandwhich and a couple beers, then head home, and I hear grief about it. It's like, can't I even unwind after work without being the bad guy?

 

The thing is, you're right, no real hobbies outside of being with me. Getting frightening actually, because I need a certian about of down time and such, and if I don't get it it starts to chafe me.

 

As for moving in - yes, correct. There was no discussion of marriage/kids, whether in a certian timeframe or at all.

 

My child's mom is still involved, my child actually lives with her. As I said, kids learn things attheir own pace, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think that, since my girlfriend hasn't had kids (she was pregnent in college and terminated the pregnancy, and miscarried once when she was married, about 10 years ago) she doesn't see the less glamorous parts of parenthood. Not everything comes neatly wrapped, so to speak.

 

Unfortuately I think you may have hit it on the head with the checking out, and you're right, time to trust the gut on this one. Starting to set off pretty big smoke signals.

[jimthzz]

So she is correct about the playing house thing.

 

But she is overly needy and that is a turn off.

 

You have to move out if you do not feel as affectionate as one should feel in a moved in situation.

 

And if you are already trying to date another woman, you owe her the respect implicit in being a live in boyfriend. Stop dating another woman while you live with her.

 

Move out and then be free to do what you want.

[zipacna2006]

"So she is correct about the playing house thing."

 

Respectfully disagree on this one. It is not fair to out of the blue start pressuring for marriage, when before we even moved in I had stated that I wanted to, at the very least, take time before getting remarried. I did not state that in my initial post and for that I apologize.

 

"But she is overly needy and that is a turn off."

 

And it is a shame, because she has a lot going for her. I try tellign her that all the time, she's got a good job, nice home, good career going, there's no reason for her to build her whole life around one person.

 

"You have to move out if you do not feel as affectionate as one should feel in a moved in situation.

And if you are already trying to date another woman, you owe her the respect implicit in being a live in boyfriend. Stop dating another woman while you live with her.

Move out and then be free to do what you want."

 

Here I agree with you 100%.

[annie24]

I also disagree - If the girlfriend didn't want to be "playing house", then she shouldn't have invited him to move in with her. I know several women that don't want to "play house" which is why every single one of them insisted on getting married BEFORE moving in together. That was a conversations that was had prior to moving in together.

 

Have you talked to your gf about how she's smothering you? I agree with you, everyone needs to unwind without being yelled at for it. I couldn't marry into such a situation.

[zipacna2006]

I also disagree - If the girlfriend didn't want to be "playing house", then she shouldn't have invited him to move in with her. I know several women that don't want to "play house" which is why every single one of them insisted on getting married BEFORE moving in together. That was a conversations that was had prior to moving in together.

Have you talked to your gf about how she's smothering you? I agree with you, everyone needs to unwind without being yelled at for it. I couldn't marry into such a situation.

 

Thanks - abd the thing is, she already knew I wanted to wait a while before 'tying the knot', but it's like, well, you're here now and this is how it will be. I am not one to be forced into anything, especially not something as serious as marriage.

I was trying to talk to her last night after my child went to sleep, but it was coming in on the time she had to go to work. So, an hour after she's supposed to be in, she's still there clinging on to me, asking me things like "am I a terrible person", etc. I finally got tired of the passive-aggressive stuff and told her I wasgoing to bed. After I got in the bedroom, she left. Then, I went back downstairs to read for a little while. Isn't that bad, I have to do that to get 30 minutes to myself?

[RayKay]

Well, it may be she was alright with it, and then pressure from family/friends have made her not alright with it. To be honest, she sounds like a woman whom is very dependent on what others think to figure out whom she is....so it would not surprise me.

 

However, if you discussed beforehand that moving in did NOT mean marriage, and she was agreeable to that, then she cannot force it now.

 

I also sense maybe she is now realizing she is pushing you away, maybe in the way you act around her...and she is reacting even more strongly by becoming MORE needy, and forcing the marriage issue to "keep you".

 

But, man, it is VERY bad that she just decides to be late and irresponsible for work all the time....especially if she is supposed to be a responsible partner, and a "stepmother" to your child.

 

And no, it should not be that hard to get 30 minutes to yourself!

[zipacna2006]

But, man, it is VERY bad that she just decides to be late and irresponsible for work all the time....especially if she is supposed to be a responsible partner, and a "stepmother" to your child.

And no, it should not be that hard to get 30 minutes to yourself!

 

And she got kinda ticked last night when I brought it up to her, how if I had a staffperson, or a supervisor, who constantly did that I would think it unprofessional. And then of course I got the whole passive/aggressive guilt thing "I wish you wanted to touch me and hold me" I'm thinking 'sounds good, but you gotta be RESPONSIBLE AND GET TO ^%&&^*&^ WORK!!!!'. She supervises a staff of about 10 people, and her department has become bottom of the barrel in the last few months, coincidentalyl when she started showing up whenever she pleased. Also is a month late in getting her staff's salary reviews done; I suspect a revolt soon. If I ever got into that situation, I would probably work 16 hour days until it was fixed.

 

I jsut don't know anymore.

[annie24]

she sounds like she is depressed. why is she neglecting her work so much?

[zipacna2006]

she sounds like she is depressed. why is she neglecting her work so much?

 

 

Think it is a vicious cycle: hangs on to me, late into work, doesn't get everything done, comes home waits for me to arrive instead of sleeping, hangs with me until I go to sleep, drags through work after getting in late, work piles up, gets anxious......

[zipacna2006]

update - so last night she got all passive aggressive again because I went downstairs to eat as opposed to laying next to her, and a 3 hour discussion ensued, till baout 2AM. She caled out of work even. I am in negotiations with the place I used to live, to perhaps return there when something opens up.

[annie24]

I really feel for you. this sounds like a living hell. I can't imagine having a 3 hour discussion with someone just because I went downstairs to eat. this relationship is NOT healthy!

[zipacna2006]

I really feel for you. this sounds like a living hell. I can't imagine having a 3 hour discussion with someone just because I went downstairs to eat. this relationship is NOT healthy!

 

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts. It gets even better: she also stated she wants to either be pregnant in 6-7 months or be "trying". I am very apprehansive about having another child with ANYONE for 2 reasons: obviously, I pay support for my child to my child's mother. Also, when my child was young, they were seriously ill for about 3 months in the intensive care unit. For most of the time, it was a very bleak outlet and, to be honest, part of my snapped/shut down/changed, and has never really come back.

 

She can't seem to understand how that affects someone.

 

Also, here's another good one: She got all prious on me when in the discussion it came up that, the first Christmas after my break-up, I spent Christmas Eve at a 'gentleman's club' with my Christmas bonus. Not saying that was a great thing to do, and it is fine if you think I am not a good person for that, but I was in such a low place - my whole life had changed for the worse, and my child was with my ex, and they were actually out of cell phone range (my ex's family actually live in the mountains). Anyway, last night she gets all holier-then thou on me. However, she thinks it is perfectly okay that she lives with her then-boyfriend (whom she put through school) for five years WHILE SHE WAS STILL MARRIED TO HER HUSBAND! Can you believe the hypocrisy?

[annie24]

Do you think you want to leave?

[zipacna2006]

Do you think you want to leave?

 

 

Starting to think that I might have to, for my own sanity. It would be tough, I'd have to kinda 'eke it out' for a while, but it's got to be better than this.

[annie24]

Starting to think that I might have to, for my own sanity. It would be tough, I'd have to kinda 'eke it out' for a while, but it's got to be better than this.

 

why "eke it out?" What is stopping you from ending things straight out?

[zipacna2006]

why "eke it out?" What is stopping you from ending things straight out?

 

 

Oh, sorry I should have clarified - I mean financially it will be a burden to have my own place, what with the support payments to my ex and all, but in the end, it might be better than going through this every night.

[annie24]

of course it will be a burden, but like you said, you are paying to live there in an emotional way right now. but I think it's better to be financially strained rather than not be able to have 30 minutes of peace without being yelled at for something or another. Remember - you are paying right now!

 

You can always get a second or a side job. Live in a small apt, maybe forgo using your car sometimes in favor of public transportation. I think even with 2 jobs, you'd still have more time to relax than what she is giving you right now.

[zipacna2006]

of course it will be a burden, but like you said, you are paying to live there in an emotional way right now. but I think it's better to be financially strained rather than not be able to have 30 minutes of peace without being yelled at for something or another. Remember - you are paying right now!

 

I think you're right. At least I could gather my thoughts at the end of the day and not dread coming home. The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards going back to my old apartment complex.

[zipacna2006]

230 PM and I am dreading going home in 3 hours. I cannot wait until all this is resolved. I even went out, over lunch, and bought household items that I will need, assuming I do move out.