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Baby Mama Drama


u5ername
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I have been dating this guy for 6 months now, we hit off from the start, and have not stopped having fun since! He introduced me to his daughter who I absolutley adore, and she adores me. The mother is very active in their lives but just had a baby with another man. Just recently she wrote him a long letter about how she is leaving the new bab'y father, and wants to re-kindle her friendship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has been nothing but great to me, and says he wants and cares for me and knows this is somethign special, but says he can't turn his back on this girl, and wants to be there as her friend.

 

I feel so hurt, I tried so hard to look past their relationship, and he assured me all they have is what they share with their child, but now I'm concerned.

 

DO I let this happen, and set boundaries, while my mind wanders everywhere, or do I get out...since this will be the beginning of probably many issues to some.

 

HELP!!!

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What you have to understand is that this woman will always be apart of his life because she had his child. And since they have a child between them they need to learn how to be cordial with each other and at least be able to talk about they child and all the things that include the child. If you begin to set boundaries on his relationship with his child's mother you may lose out on a good relationship because if he's a good father he will more than likely pick the situation that includes his child. However, you can let him know that you don't feel comfortable with the situation. And he should reassure you that nothing more than friendship will go on between them.

 

Hope I helped.

 

Jaiva

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Do you LET this happen? Sorry honey, but this is beyond your control. She was there before you, and depending on where your relationship goes, she will be there after you. They have a child together and that's not going to change.

 

He's most likely going to do everything within his power to make things awesome between them. Having two people who are close and get along is the ideal situation to raise a child. This relationship might not include anything romantic, but it seems like it will probably make you uncomfortble.

 

It is not fair to make him choose between you and her, the mother of his kid. So if you cannot deal with them being close, leave. I doubt he needs more drama in his life to deal with anyways.

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Hi There and welcome to enotalone!

 

This is a tough situation. He and she have a child together, so she is always going to be a part of his life, (and yours if you are with him!) and I am sure he feels a certain loyalty to her because they share a child.

 

However, does your bf want to work things out with her? How long have they been split up? What were the reasons and who initiated it?

 

I don't think it is your place to try and put boundaries on his relationship with his child's mother, she is always going to be someone important to him, and he likely will not accept any restrictions you try to place on him. If anything, he will likely choose his child and her over you, if you force the issue.

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I don't want him to choose...I just feel that I may not get past this...but yet I don't want to push him away. I know a good man when I see one. However, I don't want to make his life miserable by always being upset about this...how can I help myself learn to deal?

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I don't want him to choose...I just feel that I may not get past this...but yet I don't want to push him away. I know a good man when I see one. However, I don't want to make his life miserable by always being upset about this...how can I help myself learn to deal?

 

have faith.

If he is a good man, trust him. He says he has something special with you, believe him. a friendship with the mother doesn't have to be a terrible thing (unless she is a terrible women) In the past things may have been different between them, but in the past you weren't there. So believe that you do make a difference in his life & cherish what you have. Don't run cause it might be hard.

 

My finacee feels the way you do sometimes. I have an almost 4 year old son with another man ( been separated for 3 years, did the on & off , and just recently became better friends than what we used to be) So being on this end of it, seeing things from the parents side. Please believe that he wants what's best for his daughter, which is a friendship between parents. But what he wants for himself, is a true love, something special. That's YOU! and to be the women that can understand & support the friendship between the parents, is AMAZING & hard to find. I am so blessed to have found a man that can do that for me, and I cherish him more everyday for it. and a friendship with my ex, well contrary to what you might think it is actually a constant reminder of why we never worked & why I'm so lucky to have the wonderful man i do have (:

Stand by him, trust him & believe him when he tells you you're special.

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Yes, I agree with flower99 here - he sounds like a good and trustworthy man. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but trust is the fundamental basis of all good relationships.

 

It sounds likes he's been very honest with you: he's informed you of the letter, has introduced you to his daughter, and has told you you're very special to him.

 

Your post resonated with me, in that my ex boyfriend did the exact opposite to what your boyfriend is doing: he didn't inform me he had a daughter - it was only after his ex girlfriend turned up at his flat with her little girl that I began to put two and two together. My ex blatantly lied and said the girl wasn't his daughter, even though she was the spitting image of him (same colour hair, eyes etc). It took a friend of his to inform me that the girl was indeed his daughter! (this happened after we'd split up). I was devastated that he'd lied to me, and to this day I don't understand why he couldn't be honest with me, as I wouldn't have minded at all and would have respected him even more for being truthful.

 

Now I have no respect whatsoever for my ex.

 

So in a nutshell, be pleased that your boyfriend is so open and honest with you, and trust him!

 

Lies are hurtful and can be detrimental to a healthy relationship - your boyfriend doesn't sound like a liar.

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Pikey1972 I am so sorry to hear of your past experience with this situation.

 

Thank you for your kind words. They actually inspire me!

 

I have never done a post like this before...the response has been great and I actually feel better. I am so happy i stumbled upon this site.

 

And you are right. He is a good man. Actually do trust him...I think I'll stand by him and see what comes of it!!

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Flower 99...I have faith. I do. I like what you said about how things may have been different with them in the past, but I wasn't there. And you are so right!! I see the way he looks at me...it's very sincere and special.

 

I think I will take all your advice and "do this for him, not me" and support their friendship. Afterall, everyhting happens for a reason.

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I'm debating on initiating meeting this girl...and trying to have some kind of relationship with her.

 

Or should I stay out of it?

 

Or should I ask him what he wants.

 

I think i may feel more comfortable if i can be a part of this "friendship" in some minor way.

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p.s I was just thinking, You are so right everything happeneds for a reason (: think about it...had she wanted to rekindel thier friendship 4 months ago you may not have had the strength or faith to stand by him....but now, 6 months to develope your relationship...timeing is perfect

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I'm debating on initiating meeting this girl...and trying to have some kind of relationship with her.

 

Or should I stay out of it?

 

Or should I ask him what he wants.

 

I think i may feel more comfortable if i can be a part of this "friendship" in some minor way.

 

 

I'd ask him what he wants just to be sure.

but personally I think definetly meeting her & initiation some kind of relationship is a great idea. after all you are now a part of her daughters life so she may be intrested as well.

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Yes Flower99...you are so right!! 4 months ago she was involved with another guy which is the ONLY thing that got me through it! Then she had the other mans' baby and now wants out...however my boyfriend and I have become so VERY close especially in the past two months! I like your thinking!

 

Thanks so much...I'm walking out of here with my head a little higher today

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You'll have to decide for yourself if having another women as a permanent part of your life, (and part of your marriage, should you get married...) is acceptable to you. If you have children with this man, they will do without certain things (and so will you), because he has other children with another woman to provide for financially, emotionally, and in terms of time spent. If it is something that you can live with, then I agree to try to make a friendship with the woman. Just keep in mind, she will be there, so if that factor causes you too much stress, then you owe it to yourself to search for someone who meets that standard.

 

Good luck.

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