old relationship issues resurfacing

[fifregister]

i do hope things work out for him. there's a huge age gap between us (he's 42, i'm 24) and we're just not at the same stage in life. he needs to be settled and i'm just starting to explore. i tried to tell him that i'm willing to take the chance, but i guess he'd rather do that with someone else.

 

i just wished...i don't know. i thought we could date casually forever and see where things go. i'm just so disappointed, even though i see that this probably the right and inevitable conclusion...

 

spent all night dreaming about him. why is this so hard for something i thought was so small?

[annie24]

well... most people don't date casually forever. most people will make up their minds within a few months if they want to keep the relationship moving forward or not.

 

i think it's for the best. I think he really did this with your best interests in mind. You are young and have so much of the world to explore. I think he didn't want to keep you from doing that.

 

good luck

[fifregister]

GOSH I'm feeling so anxious right now. a part of me is at peace with the decision. a part of me just wants to scream "why wasn't it me?" I would've seriously considered a relationship with him.

 

I have to do NC again. I so much want to text/email him right now. PLEASE STOP ME!!!

 

DAY 83 of NC with the ex

Day 1 of NC with guy i was seeing.

[annie24]

i understand. but... he made his decision. it's not necessarily that you weren't pretty or interesting enough for him... he may just have thought this other woman was a better match for him, maybe they are closer in age, goals, values, etc...

 

haven't you ever met a great guy, but didn't want to have a relationship with him because you just felt the two of you were too different in some way?

[fifregister]

yes i did...but not one i liked this much...

 

i thought the feelings we had were going to grow, but i guess not enough on his part. he said that the other woman is closer to his age.

 

i just feel so sad that i spent several motnhs getting to know him, and he's only gotten to know someone else a few weeks and i'm dropped.

 

i'm just so indecisive and torn. i wish i'd given it a shot sooner and just told him how i felt, instead of waiting for him to deliver the hard talk.

 

no use looking backwards, but i feel the loss and the regret that i was so closed off in trying to guard my feelings. they end up hurt anyway.

[annie24]

yes i did...but not one i liked this much...

 

so now you know how the guys you rejected felt. maybe they felt like you were really a great match for them, but you didn't feel the same way back.

 

I know - doesn't make it hurt any less though.

 

anyways... it will be ok. I hope not to offend anyone here.... but.... look at it this way - at least now you can go off and find a man your age. this guy - when you are 50 and young and energetic, he will be 70 and want to sleep all the time. If you stayed together with him, at some point you would become his nurse, not his wife.

 

breakups suck. it's ok, give yourself some time to heal, don't just jump into another relationship.

[Orlander]

Ah, Fifregister, I'm so sorry to hear of your newly added heartache. That guy probably just wasnt the one for you.

 

no use looking backwards

This is so true, but SO HARD!!!! You are looking back. You have been looking back. As I said before, I think that not dating anyone is what is needed for you right now. Time to reconnect with yourself and spend some time not being in a relationship.

 

Don't call this guy. Let him go! I'm sorry again for what you are going through. We are here for you.

 

 

Orlander

[fifregister]

i'm at work and i feel like crying...

[fifregister]

he texted earlier today saying sorry and that i mean a lot to him.

 

i replied that i enjoyed getting to know him and that i care about him & wish him the best.

 

he replied again that that's how he feels and call him sometimes if i feel like it.

 

i didn't reply to the last message. gosh, why do i always fall for people who let me down.........?

[Orlander]

because subconsciously you pick those types of people. Now's the time to take a step back and look into just why you pick the men you choose. I think it may have more to deal with how you act while dating these guys.

 

Any way you look at it, you are single now for a reason. You are right where you need to be. There will be other men that you will have feelings for. Don't you want to be the best fifregister you can when you finally meet "the one"?

 

 

Orlander

[fifregister]

annie24: the age gap is definitely one of the reasons why we're not a good match. i'd been in denial about it because i wanted it to work, regardless of the reasons.

 

orlander: you're absolutely right. this is exactly where i need to be.....but it's terrifying and painful, and that's why i'd been filling up my schedule with an armor made up of dates, social outings, travelling, flirtations and phone calls. i'd set myself up for disappointment by imagining that i can steer clear of facing that empty void inside myself by transitioning into another half-assed, not made for me relationship. except, he bowed out.

 

there's just so many things that i can't even articulate. it hurts, but it's liberating, but it hurts really bad still.

 

a quote that i found online that's kind of nice to hear:

 

"Focusing on the finish line is what keeps so many of us from enjoying the process of life. You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And letting his actions determine your emotions is turning you into a bystander in your own life. So let go and leave the future....up to the fates. Take back your energy, trust in yourself and get ready for the next adventure in your life....."

 

ok i'm gonna go in my car and cry now.

[fifregister]

well he texted me the very next day saying sorry about the conversation and that i mean a lot to him. i politely replied that it's not a problem and i only wish him the best.

 

day after that, he texted me again to say that he really missed me. i gave no response.

 

day after, texted me that he is really confused and wants to talk. i gave no response. hours later, he texted again.

 

went back to work after the weekend, and first thing in the morning was an email from him asking to see me. he called later that night and wanted to speak to me in person. i decided to oblige.

 

long story short: he had a change of heart and wanted to ask me to be his gf. said that he felt that i was frustrating him with my hot/cold behavior and that dating me wasn't going anywhere. but after our heart to heart when he ended things, realized that i actually cared about him and wanted a relationship and that he cared about me too.

 

i said yes...but now i'm filled with so many conflicting emotions....panic, claustrophobia, warm fuzzy feelings, doubt, optimism, etc.

 

this all happened so fast before i could even process all of my feelings....don't know what to do!

[Orlander]

You know...when I began dating my ex, I was attending codependcy meetings. I told her right off the bat that I was going to these meetings and she not only was ok with it, she asked to come along.

 

While I question your readiness to be someone's girlfriend I think it would be a very good idea to bring him up to speed with how you have felt, what you are feeling and how you are handling the "panic, claustrophobia, warm fuzzy feelings, doubt, optimism, etc".

 

Let us know how you are doing.

 

 

Orlander

[fifregister]

i'm not ready to be anybody's girlfriend....i don't think i'm emotionally equipped to do this. i'm being unfair to both of us but i don't want to end things with him either. ambivalence has always been my problem. and when others make the decision for me, i end up devastated.

 

btw right after he broke up with me, i went to my therapist and had a talk, who actually said that i am doing better and have shifted into a grayer area. i've decided to hold off on the antidepressants for now....i want to resolve these anxieties with willpower first

[Orlander]

i want to resolve these anxieties with willpower first

Would you heal a broken leg with willpower alone or by having it set, put in a cast and staying off it for a couple of months??

 

Sometimes being strong means doing the things that we think will mean that we are weak. Being strong and truly wanting to heal might mean focusing solely on yourself for a while, steering clear of relationships and "leveling" your mood with antidepressants.

 

I'm not a doctor. I'm just offering the best advice i know.

 

 

Orlande

[annie24]

I agree with orlander's analogy.

 

Me, personally, I wouldn't go back to him. After all, what happened to this "other woman" he was persuing? and now he turned the situation around back on you, like it was your fault he broke it off?

 

If I were in your shoes, i wouldn't go back to him. my pride would stop me. I'd say, 'I'm sorry that things didn't work out between you and the new woman, but you made your decision.'

 

yeah, I don't like how he is treating you.

 

he is the one who is hot/cold!

 

Ultimately, it is your decision, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this guy....

[fifregister]

yeah i'm so impatient w/ the healing process. it's been pretty long, though, hasn't it? 5 months post-breakup...

 

i was pretty hesitant about this guy. i had let him go and did not respond to any of his attempts until giving him that one final talk...then i just became so confused and decided what the hell. one thing about this guy (after 3 months of knowing him) is that he's been pretty direct and reliable with communication, with pretty short lag times.

 

it was kind of a tough call. for 3 months, i saw him but dated other people. he wasn't dating anyone else (though he knew i was). he met this other lady a couple of weeks prior to breaking up with me. they never did anything physical. he thought that if he wanted a relationship, it would be better for him to stop pursuing something with me that i did not want. thus he thought she was a better match

 

then he changed his mind after our talk. wanted to take a shot with me. broke up with her.

 

i'm seriously getting cold feet. i'm taking a long trip this upcoming holiday weekend with just girlfriends. hopefully i'll gain a clearer perspective....